(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

I’m so glad you’re deleting the messages well done OP. Are you at your workplace tomorrow? Or at home? I have everything crossed for you that you have some time to yourself and can use it to reach out to a professional of some sort. We are all genuinely worried about you, not trying to pressure you. Please keep talking here if it helps. It also acts as a diary of what’s going on which is helpful for you as everything feels so confusing I know and it’s normal for you to second guess what happened and when in these situations when an abuser has such a hold over you x

Yes I can see that - I think they were mainly concerned about the age gap. And the fact we moved in together quickly.

but we are talking 10 years ago now they love him like a son now

I suggest they only love him like a son now because they do not know the truth.

They do not know about the rape, nor the financial abuse amongst all the other things.

They love the person they think he is, not who he actually is.

And remember what many of us said earlier, even if they didn’t think you were ‘justified’ leaving him due to his rape, sexual assaults, emotional and verbal abuse of you and the kids, dangerous driving to punish / frighten you and the kids, financial control, coercive control etc etc… it doesn’t mean you’re wrong to leave him. It just means their standards might be dangerously low and their boundaries might be dangerously weak.

You deserve to have a peaceful life. You are never going to be at peace living with someone capable of causing you the terror this man has done, even if there are some good days (when you do as he wants to keep the peace). That is not true peace. You deserve so much more x

its like he’s not even ‘acting’ he actually is. He doesn’t put on a perfect facade and then give me a ‘look’ like I’m in trouble later like you imagine a typical abuser.

Right, exactly. It really can be that simple. When people explain some of his actions around how he's keeping you controlled, or how he sets up a situation to sexually assault you, I don't think they mean to say he's some kind of evil genius. He's not consciously psychoanalysing you and developing a strategy, knowingly. He's doing these things instinctively and because, over years of abuse, he's learned what to do to get the result he wants, unconsciously. That's part of who he is. I can also quite believe another part of who he is can be helpful, non-confrontational, outwardly supportive. But when he wants sex or you aren't behaving how he wants or he's stressed or whatever other reason, he behaves abusively. That's just who he is, OP.

But can you live the rest of your life wondering which side of your husband you're going to get each day, and remain mentally and physically well?

Speaking from my own personal experience and following on from @PinkNosy post, I did become mentally and physically unwell from my husbands abuse. I became a size 4 and I lost my job after returning from Mat leave which is possibly the worst thing that could have happened to me. My ex ramped up his abuse and at one point told my parents they were not allowed to see or contact me for a month. Some days I was so numb. Not when I was with my dc but when I was alone. It does grind you down, the mental gymnastics and the walking on egg shells.

I am very glad your friend is there for you now. And I’m glad you are ok x

Honestly, not everyone loves him. It’s not possible - it’s human nature to be liked/disliked by others for varying reasons. Nobody is universally liked. You’ve mentioned before that your colleagues may have an inkling. What makes you think that?

When you said your friend mentioned a “smoking gun” moment that cannot be denied as being abusive, what would that moment be to you?

Colleagues don’t know him, most of them haven’t met him. I think they just pick up on me coming in stressed sometimes. I don’t think they’d expect it to this extent.

Honestly, I feel like something ‘bad enough’ to really make me realise i can’t do this anymore. Physical abuse, hitting or something which I can’t see him doing. He admits he has a temper but hes always said he would never hurt me . In a physical way i mean. For example if I say to him ‘that scares me when you threw xyz at the wall ‘ (not near me or the kids) his reply is ‘I’m sorry, I know I’ve got a short temper but I only throw things, punch the bed etc I would never ever hurt you’

I do believe he addressed this particular issue in therapy in the last few years as this side of things has probably improved not got worse .

or if he ever assaulted me again like the first time, held me down while I was crying , I think I’d end it.

I now remember thinking at the time this should ask him to leave but I was 4 weeks away from giving birth I think my brain just went nope I’d rather forget about this and pretend it didn’t happen

Rape is physical abuse, as well as sexual abuse.

Is that actually because he's better at managing his temper - or that you're better at pre-empting him so he doesn't get to that point? 🤔

I'm going to bet that just like you plan sex to appease him, you do a lot of other smoothing of his way.

Do you realise that hitting the bed and other displays of violence are meant to intimidate and are forms of domestic abuse, also? Like roadrage etc, they're part of the abusers playbook.

Are you saying yes to him now in order to avoid this, do you think?

I’m at work tomorrow yes . Will give me a bit of breathing space and think about something else

Oh Poet, With my first husband I used to agree to almost anything he said, to avoid his verbal, physical, sexual abuse.

When I finally didn't, he violently assaulted and raped me.

I left him. In an ambulance.

Please, please, please seek help.

I can't bear the thought that he's going to rape you again, tonight or tomorrow.

Definitely sometimes. Especially like the other night when he’s already started and it’s quite clear he won’t take no for an answer

Really gently OP, what's the difference then between that and your smoking gun moment, if your smoking gun moment is him explicitly raping you again?

Because that is subjective to my opinion of what is happened. He could , and probably would, say - of course I would have stopped and got off you if you’d said no, but you nodded /didn’t say anything

He could , and probably would, say - of course I would have stopped and got off you if you’d said no
Is the smoking gun for you, or for him?

He doesn’t put on a perfect facade and then give me a ‘look’ like I’m in trouble later like you imagine a typical abuser.

What do you mean? He's doing exactly what typical abusers do.

Remember, they are not abusive all the time, they do the nasty/nice cycle. You know this. Surely you must have expected everything to great today after what he did to you last night.

When he’s not stressed, it’s a weekend, we’ve got nice plans and the kids are behaving and (usually) he’s had a shag and been to the gym he seems to have no pent up aggression and he’s the perfect partner.

Well yes, he clearly at his happiest just after he's raped someone. He likes to hurt you. He likes to see you scared and upset. That makes him feel euphoric. No wonder he has a spring in his step.

A woman in bed in a deep sleep after taking migraine medication. She has stated before that sleep that she does not wish to have sex and that she is sore.
A man then touches her intimately while she is still not conscious. When she stirs and is face down he asks can he fuck her?
He is on top of her, has control of her arms and neck.
She nods because what options are there?
This is the most sickening, vile act I have read about on here.
It is sexual violence and rape.
And the rapist is genuinely nice the next day?
Even though when he hits things at other times and punches things? That is a threat.
If the above is not a smoking gun I don’t know what is.
If the abuse of these children in cycles is not a smoking gun I don’t know what is.
I fear PP will shut her friend down, she won’t pursue support and she will stay with this abuser who will ruin her children’s lives.
There is so much support here, I know it is very complex but PP is in almost complete denial and I don’t feel any of us have the professional capabilities needed to help.
It is the saddest thread I’ve seen on here.
I wish PP the very best and I hope one day she chooses peace for her children as well as herself.

He is not the judge of whether you could or should leave him. You don't have to convince him you are right, you need to just go.

Your perception of the situation is valid and enough to make your own decision. You don't need his permission.

Becauss that's what domestic abusers do- as dozens of pp have already said to you on this thread, it's a well known cycle:

He's nice for a bit and then he's awful.
As long as everything is under his control and he has got what he wants then he can play nice daddy and dutiful husband.

As so many pp have already said, if he was awful all the time you would have left ages ago?

I think this is a really good question. If you twist yourself like a pretzel to avoid abuse (understandable) you may never see a smoking gun moment, not because he wouldn’t do it and be capable of it, but because of the accommodations you have to make to keep that at bay. I think you will continue to bend to his will to your own detriment, diminishing yourself and denying your own bodily autonomy, trying to outrun the gun. I also think the line will continue to move.

OP I’m wondering what the difference is in the latest incident because you were scared, he’d pinned you down from behind and had his full weight on you. The only difference seems to be that you didn’t cry. But you’ve trained yourself not to cry because you tolerate these acts. To me this is the same thing as the rape whilst pregnant.

I think it’s the small nod she gave while being woken up pinned down, which we can see does not equal proper consent. It was the only small action that she could take to protect herself in that moment from that being the identical situation to what happened before. It is also the reason she can’t justify this to herself now as a good enough ‘smoking gun’ moment, sadly.