(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

Hey @ByPinkPoet0, how are you this morning?

I wonder if his sexual behaviour has changed since you talked about the rape because he feels like he is losing control of you?

You are going to therapy, which is risky to him because the therapist will be able to identify the control and coercion that you are subjected to even though you can't always see it.

You are more anxious and upset because your body and mind are sending you warning signals that the situation you are in is unsafe. He senses this change.

He is literally pinning you to the bed so that he can have sex with you which shows he thinks he needs ultimately to control and dominate you.
That's not making love. Making love requires connection, eye contact, gentle moments, reciprocation, enjoyment, fun and vulnerability between two people who love one another.

What he is doing to you is not love.

https://www.lancashiretelegraph.co.uk/news/25895263.abusive-chipping-man-jailed-attack-left-partner-paralysed/

I have been following this lady’s progress on an Instagram account she recently set up via her children.
I know there are differences - this man was openly violent and was not the father of her children. But the need to control and eventual damage to her neck are similar. It is a common theme - once men start to go for a partner’s neck when they are vulnerable, they are more likely to kill.
After the fact, this lady’s family were perplexed. How did it happen? Why? She kept silent out of shame. Even in hospital it took her weeks to tell a nurse the truth.
Now she says she wished she’d left sooner. If she had, she would still be physically able.
Trudi will require 24/7 care for the rest of her life.
I haven’t posted this to scare PP. it is more to point out that while what she is going through is horrific, she still has physical ability and some level of agency.
This man is very dangerous. He is ramping up his behaviours every day now.
The fact is while PP thinks everyone thinks he’s fantastic, some people will not.
At this point, it’s gone past what anyone else thinks it’s about preserving a life.
When a man ramps up these behaviours and takes away the mother, and then goes to prison, the children have lost both parents.
PP has a chance here to keep being a mum to her lovely children who so much need her.

I agree with @TwistedWonder . You are in real danger to your life at this stage. He has accelerated his abuse. Do not be surprised if he works from home tomorrow. Have a plan in place for this. Accelerate your plans.

Thanks for linking @ThisJadeBear such a brave lady.

This interview with her on C4 news is heartbreaking. 7 mins long but deserves a full watch.

I agree I’m worried he will say he is working from
home tomorrow OP. Are you due in your workplace soon? I’m hoping that you are tomorrow. He is escalating at a worrying pace, this can’t wait any longer than absolutely necessary. It’s now an immediate safety issue x

I just worry that there is a lot of pressure on her to leave him - which is very valid, anyone can see it’s vital at this point - but I don’t think OP is going to do that, at least not any time soon. She’s been in this situation years, I think if there is a happy ending coming it won’t be for a very long time. I hope I’m wrong.
My concern is OP will stop posting because she can’t “please” this group by leaving him. Or that she’ll start saying things to “please” the forum that aren’t true. Again, I hope I’m wrong.
OP, people can leave this thread any time they like so please just continue to use it for support for yourself.

Agreed @RS1987 this is a safe space for @ByPinkPoet0 to work through her feelings without judgement or pressure.

She is already being pressured and controlled in all aspects of her real life, she will become non-responsive and disconnect from this space if she feels controlled here.

It will be one step forward and several steps back and it may take years for her to be finally able to leave him.

Pinkpoet has already started laying the ground work now. She has told this forum what is happening. She intends to speak to her friend about what is happening. She is having therapy. She wants to make a connection with some domestic abuse charities.

All these steps are her walking towards a new life without her husband.

@RS1987 we are trying to warn her she’s in danger and that she’s not alone. It’s not about pleasing anyone. I don’t think anyone will be angry with her if she stays but we will all be very concerned for her and the safety of her children.

@PinkPoetAgain please know that if you a scared at any time, you can call 999. This is the quickest and safest way right now.

I understand this, but it's a balancing act because his behaviour is escalating so fast that he could actually kill the OP. Lots of us are saying this. We want PP to be safe and I don't want to see her cunt of a husband on the news claiming in court that PP liked rough sex and it was a consencual act that went wrong.

Brilliant reminder above here @PinkPoetAgain . If you need to, don’t overthink it - just dial 999. Don’t worry about consequences, don’t feel it’s ‘too much’… and I know you must feel let down so far by the services you’ve encountered which haven’t been helpful. However, if you properly disclose that you are scared, your husband has repeatedly had forced sex with you and you feel you are a victim of abuse (financial and sexual) - the situation WILL change. You just need to tell your truth.

I’m here and I’m absorbing it all. I am ok thanks for asking @Capricornandproud , feeling better and no headaches today.

Today is a good day. We are having a family day. I won’t be able to be on my phone too much today.

I am not sure if he plans to wfh, he hasn’t mentioned .

Then you know what @PinkPoetAgain just take each hour as it comes. Only you know your reality right now. You’re no doubt heading for a burnout type situation (if that makes sense, and at times I’m sure that may be how it feels - and veers from total disassociation to panic)… all you can do, is what’s in front of you. Speaking from experience, just deal with what you can, what’s right in front of you and take your breaks/reprieve when you can. You’ll have those bigger picture life changing worries constantly in the back of your mind, I’m sure, oscillating between ‘Is he really a rapist?’ To ‘must remember Joey/Jane needs a new school tie’ and its a total head fuck, as a working mum.

The judge summed up perfectly how this ‘intelligent articulate woman’ doubted herself because of how he controlled her by alternating very loving, with violent, behaviour.

Thanks for linking this. I looked up the sentencing remarks too after watching it.

What is notable is that although this man was violent before this attack it was different but on a par with what PinkPoet is experiencing. He didn’t use his fists either but was aggressive to her; I think a different coercive controller using sexual violence is just another form of that. His goal with this was actually psychological -he enjoyed her being frightened.

He also insulted her during his sporadic angry outbursts, and drove erratically on one notable occasion before slamming on the breaks before head butting her and dragging his stubble across her face to hurt her. PinkPoets husband wouldn’t do the head butting bit, but we know his form of violence towards her would take place later.

Here is the direct quote from the judge (also referred to by previous posters):

”It is the hallmark of a sophisticated abuser to intersperse violence and cruelty with false kindness and care. Your behaviour was so extreme and confusing that you, as you intended, led this intelligent and
articulate woman to doubt what she experienced. We see her thought
processes in the apple notes which she wrote to herself. It is a chilling insight
into your manipulation and control of her.”

Edit: just to say I’m not trying to frighten here but to legitimise. It’s notable that outside court Trudi is not just saying she’s warning of the dangers of violent partners, it people in relationships where there is coercive control.

I totally get it - and maybe I’m wrong - I’m just thinking from her perspective. She has said herself she is a people pleaser and also it’s clear she isn’t going to leave him. I agree warning her is very important, but we aren’t going to get a post that says “hi all, I’ve left him” and we all cheer. All that can be hoped for is she keeps posting for support, and I just wonder if, if all she hears is “you are going to die - you must leave him now, have you left him yet?”, she might stop coming on to the thread. Again I hope I’m wrong, but I think this one will go on years.

Totally agree and yes it is a balancing act.

This is a bit strong! “Big mental problems“? Not the most supportive language.

And why would she report to Wetherspoons? You sound like you’re taking the piss.

You do not have mental problems OP.
whatever you are thinking and feeling and doing is a completely NORMAL reaction to horrendous abuse.
it is what he has done to you.
please do keep coming back.
things are escalating and we desperately want to support you to find a way to leave this man x

Another one here offering support. There’s nothing wrong with you, you are juggling young family life, home and your husbands abuse all while having to show the outside world you are ok as well as putting on an act in front of your husband. It’s very hard while all this is happening to see the wood from the trees.
I know when I was in this situation I tel there was no way out and didn’t think I could cope on my own ( but I did). It took me several times to leave.

Have you not been privy to DA. I was at primary school age. Mum thrown downstairs for asking for ironing board, having hand cut with keys and dripping blood on my bed ...etc. This was in the 1950s and was part of every day life then before internet porn.

This scenario will definitely escalate. Her children will not forget what has happened. Poet needs to know that what her children witness and remember will affect them throughout their life. I am nearly 80 and still carry the vivid memories.

Hi everyone
Evening thoughts - I find it incredible that he has this ability to just switch and be completely normal and well balanced person on the days when he is ‘happy’ . When he’s not stressed, it’s a weekend, we’ve got nice plans and the kids are behaving and (usually) he’s had a shag and been to the gym he seems to have no pent up aggression and he’s the perfect partner.

its like he’s not even ‘acting’ he actually is. He doesn’t put on a perfect facade and then give me a ‘look’ like I’m in trouble later like you imagine a typical abuser. He’s just lovely all day, affectionate, helpful and taking the lead with the children so I can have a ‘rest’ and generally reminding me of all the reasons why I fell in love with him.

this morning my friend was messaging me (as I had the children) and she is obviously concerned about me. She has been very supportive. She said , and other posters have spoken about this too, it sounds like I am waiting for the ‘smoking gun’ in a sense, that I can been like THAT is absolutely 100% abuse and cannot be twisted or presented in any other way. And I feel like she is right. She has seen signs all along but she didn’t like to say.

I deleted the messages

She won’t be the only one who saw the signs.

Maybe … but I’m not so sure

she is the only one I ever told about some of the drunk behaviour early on, I would show up to her house with a bag crying my eyes out. I’d stay there a few days and then go back. This happened a few times

I always felt too humiliated to tell my mum or any family , I’m not sure why

I think partly because I worked so hard to convince them that it was an good idea to date and live with this older guy, that he was a good day etc , that I couldn’t face the embarrassment of them seeing the issues

Maybe you had to work so hard to convince them because they knew or suspected he wasn't a good bloke from the start.