(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

So it happened again tonight? That's two days in row that he's done this to you.

I'm concerned that he knows you're planning to leave him and he's making the most of the situation whilst he can. This is probably going to be a regular nightly occurrence from now but, even worse, I fear he will ramp it up some more.

It's imperative that you get help as soon as you can OP. I think you do need to go to the police now before, dare I say it, it's too late.

You don't have to protect anyone here, except yourself. Anyone can step away if they need some space or distance. A lot of people are here for you. Take what you need.

Poet please do not stop putting what is happening to you here as it is not so easily identified. Plus you are using this thread as a diary. We are all supporting you and wanting you to be safe along with your children.

The police are always on duty. Phone them if you can tonight and ask to speak to the rape crisis team.

Oh Poet, so he's ramped up the rapes to every night now?

Please, please, get help. Go to the Police , just get out of the house tomorrow and go to the Police.
He is disgusting, and needs locking up.

Please don't!

Please keep posting and sharing here. If people don't like reading it, they can chose not to.

Unlike you, who has no choice about anything, it seems 😞

Echoing everyone else: you don’t need to filter yourself here, and anyone who knows they would be triggered would probably have stepped away from the thread before now. I know you get lots of advice here from everyone, but we also want to just make you feel less alone too!

I do want to add my agreement with this, OP. Please continue to post on here when you need to, OP. Please don’t ever feel that you’re oversharing, this is a really important safe place for you right now.

Please please keep posting OP - you’ve put TA in the title so its ok.

I am sending you the biggest hug. I can imagine that your poor head is spinning.

Thank you everyone ❤️
I definitely feel less alone!

I guess it depends how you define it but it’s definitely happening every other day and it’s making me feel sad and uncomfortable.

And I have tried , really hard, to tell him (although I am not super assertive I think I have said it clearly more than once) that I want a break and it seems like he’s really not listening. And seems obsessed with the idea that he can easily ‘persuade’ me.

Keep writing everything on here now.
You need help tomorrow PP.
The hand on your neck is the most sickening thing.
A woman face down, frightened and unable to move is not sexy.
It is frightening.
My only wish for you is that you walk into a police station and tell them.
He needs removing from your home.
What he finds sexy is hurting you.
And men like this ramp up the pain.
Don’t leave your children without a mum.

I know I did think about that last night when it was happening. I remember someone mentioned the hands on the neck on here and so I was hyper aware of it. although it’s not like he’s choking me. It’s more like pushing down.

It’s still very hard for me to imagine that he would hurt me on purpose, hit me or hurt me like that in any way.

I have time to myself tomorrow so space to breathe and think and talk to my friend and the helpline. And a therapy appointment.

You don’t have to do that. You need support and those who can’t handle it don’t have to be on the thread x

I am very sorry to read that he has raped you again - this will continue happening until you leave and will keep escalating in nature too. I think you need to get out this week (it was me who posted about the neck before and I am very, very concerned for you that his abuse is going to escalate more quickly than you are hoping it will).

Will you be at work tomorrow? Can you talk with one or more colleagues then? When could you talk to your friend?

Then next time you're at work I would write a note and disclose to one of the savvy colleagues at the start of the day. Use the template someone wrote above and finish it: "I need help to disclose to <insert your line manager's name here> so that I can use today to contact professional services. The abuse is escalating rapidly and I am very worried that I don't have much time to get out. He has WFH all of the Easter holidays so I haven't been able to reach out for help from home."

Then ring Women's Aid and reread your note and ask them to help you to make a safety plan, if you can't get through to them then ring the police (they didn't arrest my colleague's husband then but put a marker on my colleague's house so if someone from in the property rang 999 they wouldn't need to say anything, the police would just come straight away), social services (my colleague had support from them to leave and keep him away from the children, it was massively useful they'd been involved from just before she left), the children's school, Women's Aid etc. Form a safety plan and get yourself and your babies out of there.

This cannot carry on, we all know he won't stop it so unfair as it is my love you're going to have to be the one to make it stop. Be strong for yourself and your children.

Jesus Christ this is escalating very quickly. OP, I don’t want to scare you but we are all extremely concerned for your safety now. Someone said please don’t leave your children without a mother… I just hope you’re realising quickly how much this is escalating.

Some good suggestions from PPs on how to get help. You need to do this very very soon. Please, find the strength.

Good to have time tomorrow to do some of this admin. Get onto the helpline first thing.

Sorry to go on about the GP, but you need this recorded somewhere. I know you are resistant to it, but this will help you. I think you are severely underestimating what he is capable of.

He must see you repeatedly on your phone, I know that’s normal these days, but I’m worried he’s suspicious because his behaviour is escalating.

This is very good advice from SaltyCara above.

I sense from your posts that you still feel on some level this is "not bad enough" to leave because he hasn't punched you square in the face.

You may not believe all the women posting here that it is absolutely abuse and whether or not you technically nodded/agreed to let him rape you makes no difference.

You don't need to convict him in a court of law (although what he is doing is absolutely criminal), but you do need to leave him.

You don't need him to agree with your reasons or grant you permission, you just need to get yourself and the kids out of there safely and very soon.

People leave relationships all the time and the fact this is making you sad and scared is enough. That the sex is degrading and makes you cry is enough. The financial control is enough. All of these things individually is "enough".

I think you find it hard to say get off me and stop because you’re scared if you do that he won’t stop and then it is not something you can later justify in your head and explain away as a grey area. Outside looking in it is clearly rape and he is telling you afterwards it’s making love because that’s what he wants you to believe. You were both there, you both know what happened.
Do you think you could ask him why he keeps doing it that way and that it is painful/ upsetting for you? If not, maybe it’s because you are still in the place of feeling guilty for upsetting him, or maybe again it’s because you’re scared you’ll say it and he won’t care and that’ll make it worse?

I also would encourage you to simplify things a bit by asking yourself the question - are you happy in this relationship? Don’t worry about the law, and definitions of abuse and all of that. Are you ok with things as they are and will you be ok with things as they are for the next however many years? Because if not, it’s ok to want to leave, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I disagree with asking him about it, he clearly gets off on making you upset and then gets to have sex because you want to make him feel better. Keep quiet and make plans to leave.

He's escalating so quickly, he obviously gets off on hurting you and scaring you. Echoing PP that said please don't get to the point your children lose their mum. You've got this - is there any way you can call/go to the police today?

Yeah you’re right - I think I was thinking more about OP exploring her own feelings about asking him. But yes I agree there’s no point is there, the last time she spoke to him about this (when she broached the rape when she was pregnant) it escalated it.

OP when you started your first thread you posted about a one off incident where he raped you pregnant and you were struggling with.

As you’ve opened up more you’ve revealed this wasn’t a one off and that he’s been sexually physically emotionally and financially abusing you for many years and that he’s also emotionally abusing your DC.

You were so brave to tell him how that rape when pregnant made you feel years later and rather than be devastated and take accountability, he’s used your distress to ramp up the sexual abuse and rape so that it’s now happening several times a week.

Your distress has excited him and he’s getting off on deliberately hurting and violating you. The speed and intensity of the escalation is terrifying.

He is a fucking monster, an evil rapist who thrives on total domination and control of you.

You need to speak to a professional because this won’t stop and as others have said, your kids risk ending up without a mum.

We all understand how hard this is but this is in your hands. Please save yourself from this sick twisted piece of shit

Did you get any sleep OP? How are the migraines and the anxiety?

Your migraines are triggered by him. He knows this and he wants you to take the medication so your reactions are depressed. Stop taking the medication yourself, get rid of it so he doesn't know. You could say you are going to GP for your migraine check up. If he says he wants to go with you tell him he needs to look after the DCs.