(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

no, financial abuse includes scrutiny of your spending

he has confused it because he gives you more money

However he controls what you spend, because he wants to know what you are spending ON YOUR OWN ACCOUNT, and he has added his name to your account, as a joint account holder so that he can watch and monitor that you havent spent anything he doesnt know what it is.

does he spend for food and kids on that account too, or is it just so he can watch what you are doing? does he reimburse you for any of the kid spending? because if not, what is his reason for adding himself?

Note also how he said it was very difficult and complicated to add you to his accounts, and yet he has managed quite easil;y to add himself to yours?

So in a 'normal' arrangement where couples keep finanaces seperate there is a joint account which all the family bills go out of - so like the bills account that he showed you, but also including food and kid stuff, as those are family costs.

each person either pays in proportionally to their incomes, with often a saving account too, and then they each have their own personal account which their wages go into which the leftovers can be used for anything they want. Hobbies, hairsdressers, the new fancy car that they insisted on even though it was beyond budget,,,,

a more equal partnership would look like, all money goes into joint account, from which bills go out, and an agreed savings. and each partner has access to this for day to day - ie if you are taking the kids to the zoo for the day, or he finds himself running late from work and decides to grab some food on the go. Then each partner has an equal spends account in their own name.

Or totally joint. everything into the pot, everything out of the pot. nobiody scrutinising, everyone has eyes on the pot. big decisions are joint. savings in both names, pensions for each, hopefully enough money to allow each person to have a bit of spending on hobbies. and equal 'spare time' to pursue hobbies/ days out with friends without the kids.

Think if it this way, OP. Abuse, as others have said, is about control. Your husband's financial abuse of you has put you in a situation where you are finding it difficult to access help to protect yourself (and your children) from him, because it is hard for you to buy even a cheap mobile phone without him knowing (great suggestions to get cash back at your usual shops and/or to buy a phone from the supermarket if he doesn't scrutinise the receipts though).

Thus, he has achieved a high level of control of you through his financial abuse of you (and emotional abuse, and sexual abuse, and physical abuse and so on - it's all about him controlling you). This is NOT normal. Do you recognise that your relationship is completely unbalanced in this way? He has access to ALL of your finances (and feels comfortable looking at and questioning everything you spend!) and you have access to NONE of his. Does that not strike you as odd and unfair?

He thinks he's the boss of you. He doesn't think you are equal adults in a mutual relationship. He thinks he's superior to you and that it's his right to query everything you spend, while he refuses you any knowledge or understanding of his own financial dealings. (As discussed, he thinks he's the boss of you in lots of other ways too - particularly that he is the boss of your body and you have no right to tell him no, which is of course incorrect.) He thinks it's his place to control you while you have no idea about his finances whatsoever.

It's a great point from a PP (apologies, I can't remember the username) who observed that he told you it would be difficult to add you to his accounts even though he had ALREADY added himself to yours. It doesn't add up, does it? (Because it's bollocks.)

My husband and I have several joint accounts (for our salaries, child benefit, bills, groceries, a holiday savings account, a car savings account for the annual service and MOT or new tyres or whatever) and also several individual accounts (he pays into a tax savings account as some of his income isn't taxed at source, I have the kids' savings accounts in my name but he knows exactly how much is in them, we can buy each other presents from our own accounts without the other person seeing the transaction so it's a lovely surprise etc.). Everything is transparent and fair and there are no secrets except for the present buying for one another!

OP, if you had just originally posted about the financial situation, without any of the other information, I would have said this is very controlling of him and is financial abuse. It is absolutely fine for married couples to have all joint accounts (nothing separate.) It is not normal for his salary not to be paid into it too. So he can see and scrutinise your spending but you have no idea of his. He is giving you pocket money like you are a child. Can you see the double standards here? He could be doing anything with 'his' money and you would never know. His money he sees as his and your money he sees as his.

My husband and I have our own accounts where our salaries go and then joint accounts for savings, bills, kids stuff etc. My name is on my husbands business account and I am aware of any of his personal savings he has. We obviously discuss finances and might mutually decide we want to save more etc but I can buy whatever I want with my own money because I am an adult.

You are not at all stupid, OP, this man has basically manipulated and gas lit you throughout your whole relationship, since you were young so how could you know what is and isn't normal!

Financial abuse also includes analysing/scrutinising your spending, demanding to know what you're spending money on etc. It sounds like he has total control over all of the money which is NOT normal in a marriage.

This was my question. His money is kept separate and he doesn’t answer to anything. It’s ‘too hard’ to add you but was easy to add him to yours and for him to be in total control.

If he wasn’t dangerous I’d buy lots of weird things and every time he asked I’d ask for access to his secret account. But now is survival time. I just say that because I want you Poet to see how wildly unbalanced it all is. Everything you do is scrutinised. Nothing he does is.

As otters have said, there’s different types of financial abuse and as with everything else about him it’s control and domination.

Sadly OP I think he targeted you from the start. He saw you as vulnerable and easier to manipulate. He convinced you that you were damaged goods and swooped in with his saviour act saving you from yourself.

And from the very beginning he’s groomed manipulated and gaslight you into being completely
dependent on and dominated by him. In his head he owns you, you’re not a partner, you’re a possession

If you get a chance look up Lisa Sonni on YouTube.
She's been through it all. has excellent insights.
All the best Pinky.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, it is a cycle of abuse, the abuse then the nice honeymoon period. You become somewhat numb to the abuse over a period of time and normalise it. You end up convincing yourself it’s not that bad and concentrate on the good times, it’s a way of coping with the trauma. You and your children deserve better xxx

This all makes sense now you are explaining it, thanks everyone.
My salary does go into the joint account and sometimes he puts some of it in the main household bills account (his name) to cover things but usually that’s not needed .
So I don’t go without or anything - but yes he does look at everything and say ‘oh were you in blah blah today?’ Or ‘what did we spend £80 on ?

He doesn’t scrutinise receipts so I could definitely do the supermarket however, I don’t think you’ll be surprised, he does the online food shop every week. It’s one of his ‘jobs’ and he likes to know exactly what we’re getting!

That being said I don’t work every day and if I did pop into a supermarket as we needed extra nappies or whatever this wouldn’t be unusual so should be ok

Thanks for the suggestions

Your salary should be going into YOUR individual account (like his does) and then you transfer a proportion into the joint account to pay bills, household expenses etc. Like he does.

I'd set that arrangement up asap.

Please tell me you do have your own bank account?

Oh no surprise there that he does the online shopping ! just how many ways can he control you.

The cheapest mobile phone in ASDA is £22 and you would need £1 + just to get a working sim card, are nappies as much as £22 ?

Just be careful that you don’t get digital receipts if you’re using a club card/nectar etc. For example my store card is used jointly so the detailed receipts show up in the app.

I do remember seeing posts from a woman on here who was planning to leave. She furnished the new place by buying towels, bedding, toaster, kettle, cutlery etc randomly on the joint account and stashing them at her mum’s. So she was all set up when the time came.

TW
Since I brought up the r**e with him he only seems to want to have sex with me in the same way now, face down and him behind me. It’s been the same tonight , i was trying to sleep and he started touching and quickly went straight to sex. He puts his weight from his arms on my shoulders and it made me think about what someone said about the neck because he puts his hand on the back of my neck sometimes. It’s like he does it for a second and then realises what he’s doing and moves his hand. It never used to be like this - I was more involved. But I think he does like it & find it sexy.

I said at one point I don’t think we should have sex because I’m worried one of the kids has been up a lot and he said no don’t worry I’m just touching you and then he went ahead.

It’s like if I don’t explicitly say no get off me right now he takes that as a yes - now I’ve read up on consent I don’t think that’s right? But why can’t I just say no fuck off and be more clear. I don’t know why .

Afterwards he falls asleep cuddling me and telling me how beautiful I am and he loves to make love to me. And now I’m just laying here thinking wtf . Does he see this completely differently to me? Or maybe I saw it differently before and now having posted here I’m starting to think something is off here

I don’t have one, but I’ve been looking it up and I can do it easily online so I will do that .

I don’t think he checks receipts digitally or otherwise , it doesn’t extend that far he wouldn’t have time

How he has sex with you is not loving or to be likened to “ making love”. It seems he dehumanises you, you are face down, inactive, obedient and scared. And he seems to like this more and more and I’m worried he will physically hurt you.

I’m so sorry PinkPoet. I don’t know what to say, except that this is escalating and he is dangerous.

Yes I agree with @YourOliveBalonz . It’s becoming frequent, there is no consent and it’s more and more forceful, this is another assault if not a rape.

Of course he sees it completely differently to you. He’s only interested in his own pleasure. He’s an utter bastard.

It’s ok you don’t have to say anything x
im writing it down here so I’ve got a record of it and to get it out so I’m not sat here thinking I’m losing my mind

but I don’t expect you write lots of long replies you’ve all done loads to support me !

I’d call it being pinioned.

It must be very difficult, uncomfortable and dangerous for your back and neck.

(edited for typo)

Oh dear Poet what an awful position to be in. My heart goes out to you. He could really damage you in this way. Please please make this agony for you end and take back your life.

He literally and metaphorically has you in the corner and can rape you as he wants. He sounds like he's in a state of bliss. He is disgusting and should be locked up forever. I hate that he's doing this to you PinkPoet. People are here for you. An army of MNs.

Absolutely, and a good idea to do so.

To me, that’s rape but in some ways the legal definition doesn’t matter because these are the facts surrounding it. He heard you say you want a break from sex weeks ago - he doesn’t care, and he’s chosen to replicate the position of the rape when you were pregnant too, which could mean he’s getting off on distressing you from that alone. He heard you say you were sore two/three days ago and he didn’t care, he heard you say no again before bed that night and didn’t care. He told you after his attack that night that he will continue to do this (his comment that he should have tried this ages ago). He’s done it again, and his ‘sweet nothings’ afterwards was actually him telling you what just happened, according to the official record of your relationship kept by him.

Sorry I guess I did have a long one anyway…can you call a helpline overnight, while he is asleep? I saw the Domestic Abuse Helpline linked after the article I read about that poor woman, sorry if you’ve already tried that one, but it’s 24/7. I also think they might be more useful anyway that Rape Crisis as this abuse is broader.

Do you know what though, I’ve just been thinking and actually I think I’m probably sharing too much here. It’s not fair of me to constantly dump here and it’s probably upsetting for people to read . I forget sometimes it’s not a diary!

Thank you for all the support as always and I’ll try to pull back a bit on the details.

You don’t need to hold back. You have no other outlet for the hideous behaviour you are being subjected to. We are all here to support you. There is a TW on the thread and on that post.

What you are living through is terrible. I feel you need this thread to help you understand and process what is happening. You and you DC are what is important to us all x