(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

Another option if the idea of going to the GP doesn’t feel right - your kids are still little, how about the health visitor team? They will know what to do and it’s very hard to object to seeking help for your kids if you needed an excuse / pretext

Oh my god, that’s even worse than I thought. I thought he’d just kept the finances separate with separate accounts knowing that gives him control in terms of not sharing his higher income and what he does with it with you. So he really has full control where you might struggle to squirrel away an emergency fund? This all really supports financial abuse, and I would hope when you do speak to support agencies they can give practical advice here. A private account is a must.

I don’t have one . I feel stupid now
After we go married and started having the kids he put himself on it and he does monitor it
Like if he doesn’t recognise a transaction name he will ask me what it is

If he was not abusive or controlling, you opening your own separate account wouldn't be an issue.

Does he run every spending decision he makes by you? Why would you have to justify what you spend and him not?

He's financially abusing you. This is a recognised aspect of domestic abuse.

You realise this is financial abuse? So more control from him monitoring everything you do

He’s not a partner he’s your prion warden keeping you under surveillance.

The list of ways he’s abusing you gets longer and longer. I hope you’re starting to realise this isn’t how normal relationships work

What would happen if you did just open a basic bank account of your own online right now?

Of You don’t have cash for a new phone, could you ask a friend at work to borrow one?

Then could you call your friend to whom you’ve sent this thread and ask her to get a phone (you’ll pay her back when you can) and send it to your work?

That is financial abuse, no two ways about it. This is something else you should absolutely disclose alongside everything else.

You are not stupid, you have been groomed and manipulated by an highly controlling man, and you can get a new private account alongside this one. There is no justification for him getting added to that one and not reciprocating, none.

I would say open a new account, get your salary paid there and tell him you’ve done it as he keeps his accounts to himself and you don’t think it’s fair he can scrutinise your spending (and it’s not like you’re not earning either ffs) BUT I’m not sure that’s safe right now. I think you need qualified advice from Women’s Aid or similar.

Don’t feel stupid, you’re a victim of serious abuse in a number of forms.

From your recent posts it’s clear you are being financially abused and that this is part of his coercive control.

It’s unthinkable in a healthy, happy couple that one partner would scrutinise and question every transaction made by the other person if they didn’t recognise it.

This is another thing that is so, so far from normal but I think he’s normalised it so you maybe didn’t realise that?

Verbal abuse, coercive control, sexual coercion, sexual assault, rape and financial abuse. That’s just what we know about so far. Im so sorry and so proud you’ve told your friend.

It’s time to act on this now, to keep your children as emotionally safe as possible. Growing up under the same roof as this relationship means they’ll think it’s a normal, acceptable and healthy dynamic and they’ll replicate it themselves as adults.

You need to dig so, so deep for them as well as yourself and start to acknowledge to yourself that the only option best for your children is for you to end the relationship, whatever else happens x

I thought financial abuse was restricting access to money and not giving enough for basic things ?

If the joint account runs out I can just ask him and he will send more over . He’s not tight like that.

but he is quite particular about knowing where it’s all going and what the spends are , yes

Can you get a little bit of cashback every time you grocery shopping?

(I think financial abuse has already been mentioned your thread(s), hasn't it?)

Sorry, just spotted all the posts before mine saying financial abuse.

@NettleTea · Today 11:54 you are so very right.

OP I am sure everyone on this thread will agree that Nettle has brilliantly analysed what has been going on. You should trust this.

Could you ask someone at home for a spare old phone from work? Op I know this is an anonymous forum but I have a spare old iPhone 10. I would be happy to send it somewhere where you can remain anonymous like an Inpost locker or something. Whatever works. It’s a genuine offer, I don’t need it and you do. You can pm me if you wish to x

This is a good idea thank you

It’s the control where the abuse lies. You have to ask him for the extra, regardless of how much he obliges it’s still you having to ask (he may enjoy that little moment of feeling like the generous boss). He is able to scrutinise your spending - and does - without that going two ways. He could be spending thousands on anything and you wouldn’t know but you can’t even get a burner phone without worrying he will find out about it.

She is amazing and I always have a bit of a cry when I read her replies as they are so close to the reality for me

and it is helpful for me to read it back

A very insightful person
You all are x

Could you buy a sim and cheap phone at the supermarket and leave it at work?

Your colleagues at work already suspect something, so send them a text or write a short note telling them. You could leave it on someone's desk when you are leaving. Tell as many people as you can. Doesn't matter who, but make sure it's people he doesn't have contact with/know.

Poet, I’ve just read that Women’s Aid can give donated phones to help survivors stay safe.

I think it’s best @PinkPoetAgain keeps the phone at home in case there’s an emergency or incident where he’s taken the phone away from her so she can’t raise the alarm for help.

Poet all of this is too much of a head fuck for you to take in. That’s why you need help from specialist services to coach you. It’s too much.

He’s treating you the way I treat my young teens with money. You aren’t able to have any savings or spontaneous treats. You’ve to ask him for money to pay for therapy. He’s given you a glance at a bills account, but you haven’t seen the other accounts he has. You don’t know what his salary/bonuses are, do you?

it’s too much to rock the boat just now but all of this is serious abuse. You need real life help with this.

As pp have said, it's the control aspect.

Having to explain your purchases puts you in a subservient position. He's not explaining his purchases to you, is he?

If you were being treated as an equal, you wouldn't be under scrutiny in this way. You can't just go ahead and get things you want or need without feeling you have to be able to justify it.

Are you perfectly happy and relaxed when you ask him for more money, or do you feel awkward/bad about it?

If he is only looking for unusual vendors not going through receipts (if you are sure about this?) you could buy a pay as you go sim from any supermarket as part of the weekly shop. Some also sell phones (eg the big tescos and sainsburys do).
Other possibly non-suspicious places selling phones - John Lewis (not the cheapest and they don't sell sims), also Argos if that's somewhere you might get regularly.
You could also for example get a PAYG sim from a supermarket and then buy a v cheap phone from a high street stall for cash.

So his salary gets paid into his account, which you don't have access to and have never seen.
And your salary gets paid into the joint account, which he scrutinises?
Do you have any credit cards?

If he asks to see receipts you could say you lost the one you have used to get a phone at the supermarket.