(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

He does realise it. He even told you the last time that seeing you upset turns him on more. He’s told you this to your face.

Monday is a long time away in your situation. Are you saying that you can’t even get away for 5 minutes to make a phone call? If so the situation is a lot more dangerous and immediate than you think. I don’t want to scare you, but you must try and act now. Not Monday.

It’s fair enough that you don’t want to dis uss this with men. But the police absolutely WILL help with this. You just don’t realise how serious this is because you’ve been abused for so long.

I'm so sorry PP. Well done for calling RC and I'm sorry they were rubbish. Did you tell them he's raped you before? I'm not blaming you - if you didn't, they should have been much more aware of the possibility. They should have done better.

I'm worried. He's obviously escalating. Please stash and medication and passports for you and the children in a safe place. Also some basics if you can do that safely. He 100% knows what he did. You did not consent. You were coerced.

Do you have a local DA organisation that has refuges? It's time to consider this. What he's doing to you is unbearable 💐

I think if you want get help that you try and carry on till Monday so he pisses off to work and you can breathe. Then go to the police. It’s not a husbands right to rape his wife. Don’t think rape and husband n the same sentence makes it ok. If you don’t feel brave enough to go to the police, go to your gp, document all you injuries and escalation x

Is it rape though if you technically ‘consent’?

At the absolute least he sexually assaulted you - forcing you to consent is not consensual sex.

It’s rape. You were asleep, he was wanking over you with his full weight, even if you didn’t not your head he would have done it. You were so scared and you would not have been able to fight him off. It’s not normal. He has a history of coercion and rape. You did not consent: please document this with your gp. You told him several times before this that you did not want to. He’s sick, it’s a turn on for him when he gets his own way.

It's rape because you were coerced and could not freely give consent. You've told him you're sore and want a break from sex. You woke up and he was sexually assaulting you. You were physically trapped. You said okay, because you couldn't stop him and he was going to do it anyway, as he has done before.

I know you are doubting yourself at the moment. This is a normal part of the cycle. You are anxious and very distressed. Your calmness and clarity will come. You know what he did.

Police forces have a sexual assault unit which is managed by specially trained officers and you ssn request a female officer to speak to.

Rape and sexual assault is taken far more seriously nowadays.

He realises and gets off on the fact he’s abusing you. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you because he’s showing you who is in charge.

Its not about sex it’s control control control

Agreed. He quite possibly planned that this is what he would do that night when you told him the same evening that you were sore and didn’t want sex. He didn’t say anything to you then, because his internal response was ‘we’ll see about that’.

You wouldn’t have to sit in a room of men being interrogated. You’d be able to speak to a woman officer. They are trained to deal with reports of sexual assault. Their priority would be your wellbeing.

Most importantly, they would help you and the kids to be safe.

I know it seems like the nuclear option but I really think you need to get proper help now.

And, yes, it is still rape even if you nodded and “let him” do it.

Even if you don't count the actual sex as rape (which it absolutely is), him leaning on you with his full weight and masturbating on you is, on its own, sexual assault. He didn't have your consent, you were asleep. You cannot consent if you are asleep.

He absolutely planned this. It's no coincidence that the abuse is escalating after you tried to put boundaries in place. He is exerting his control over you, saying 'look, I can still do whatever I want'.

I think the best and most accessible source of help immediately may be your local domestic abuse organisation, most places have a service which is affiliated with Women's Aid but may be known locally by another name, for example "Newcastle Haven" or something like that.

Search on Google, e.g. "women's aid Cardiff" and see what comes up. There may be an online chat service that you can use right now.

Key points:

• Your husband has sexually assaulted you repeatedly and this is escalating

• He is controlling and this is also escalating rapidly with him WFH and checking your emails, to the point you are unable even to make a phonecall

• He has been violent (punching inanimate objects, driving aggressively) including around the children

There should be immediate help available for you and your children, support to get safely away from him and then to rebuild your lives free of abuse.

You were unable to consent freely last night. You had very, very clearly told him in advance more than once that you did not want to have sex. Asking a woman if it's OK to f* her when you are lying on top of her masturbating is not asking for consent, it is threatening.

You nodded because you knew that if you didn't he would physically force you anyway, because this is what he already did when you were heavily pregnant. He has created an environment where you know that he will do it anyway if you say no, so you feel forced to say yes because at that point that feels like the least worst option. Note: one of the options should be that you say no and he stops, but you know that isn't one of the possible outcomes with him. This is coercion.

Yes, this is right, OP. When I reported my historical abuse to the police, a very experienced female officer took my statement. She knew exactly how to put me at my ease at a time when I was traumatised by flashbacks.

You really won’t have to give your statement to a group of men.

I’m so sorry to hear what happened, OP, I agree with other PPs that you need to get away from him, and going to the police would be the best way to achieve this. With support from Women’s Aid.

this 100%.
he was completely pissing over the boundary that you set, He is showing you who's boss.
And he knows that you didnt consent and were frightened to say no.
And we all know you were frightened to say no, and it is no surprise that he did it the same way that he did it before and forced you into consenting this time, so he had, what HE thinks, is a 'get out'

One would ask - given his previous song and dance about having to sleep on the sofa because he cant control himself, why he chose to come to bed with you, unless it was because he planned to do this to show you that your boundaries mean nothing.

IF you casn, can you say that you need to see the Dr today - possibly you feel a UTI and need antibiotics before it is the weekend and access to them limited and harder? given what he did its unlikely to be untrue

And Im sorry, so so sorry.

This is a good idea from Nettle
He already knows you’re in pain, a GP appointment would be easily explained away today.
If you can please go x

If you do go to the GP today, he will insist on coming with you. In that case, please write a note 'I need help - I'm being abused by my husband' and pass it to a GP or nurse, or to a receptionist. They will act and not allow him into your appointment.

It all just feels really hard. I just want to lay in bed and sleep. I feel like im sort of floating through the day. Everything is normal

But not :(

Please, please do this OP. It is excellent advice. Bring a note with you and do this.

Write it before you leave somewhere he can’t possibly see you.

He is escalating because you’ve tried to put firmer boundaries in place. The email checking and last nights assault are rebate of this.

Him escalating is what’s making you feel extra panicky.

You need to get help from some professionals now, it’s time x

And he is putting the worm in her brain that she was up for it last night and her behaviour was ‘proof’.

This really is classic gaslighting - working on your mind drip by drip.

What happened last night was also definitely sex through coercive control. Rape.

This is a very common trauma response, sort of dissociating from today’s reality as facing it is so hard. But it’s time now, he is escalating and that means the danger has increased x

I'm so angry for you. Literally the same day you told him you needed a week or two break because you were physically sore, when you've been repeatedly saying you need space.

To then wake you up sexually assaulting you (by him lying on you wanking - that counts), pressure you into sex that you clearly didn't want but with just enough leeway that he could argue you consented, it's like he's setting up his defence in advance if you ever complain about it.

His remarks after show truly how twisted and unpleasant he is.

It's also like he's set up a follow on for himself - when you inevitably have another big talk about this, because that's what tends to happen next in this cycle, you get upset (understandably), he'll get turned on by how upset he has made you (shudder), and you'll have sex again.

It might help you recognise this cycle.

He is truly awful, and whether or not this technically was or wasn't rape is irrelevant. He ignored your wishes that you'd expressed multiple times, was sexually coercive, manipulative and unpleasant. This is incredibly serious domestic violence and you need to get away from this man.

Also, isn’t it at Boots pharmacy that you can “Ask for Angela”?

(Though perhaps tgat is a last resort in case it necessarily backed up, and maybe there would not be a female pharmacist there.)