(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

Him saying your historic abuse means you’re “over reacting” now is truly horrible. Plus it’s dead wrong - people abused as children are more likely to put up with abuse as adults, perhaps because it feels like something they already recognise.

OP, you're either not getting it or just wilfully ignoring it.

It isn't just about what he could potentially do to the children in the future. He is ALREADY abusing them now.

They are living in an abusive household, with a fearful mother who walks on eggshells. Do you not think they pick up on your moods as well as his? They are also witness to him sexual assaulting you, to his moods when he doesn't get what he wants. They are also learning to walk on eggshells and to diminish themselves in order to keep him happy.

Living in a home where dv is taking place is hugely detrimental to children, and as much as you insist they are unaware and not involved, you are massively mistaken.

Could not agree more. On average it takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship.
Are people just planning to fill this thread with messages haranguing the OP because she won't immediately leave, or do people actually want to provide support here. Disappointing to see what's happened to this board.

Ok yes @PinkNosy I think I am guilty of this as was thinking we should guide and listen to @ByPinkPoet0 of what her current need for help and advice is. Like getting her through or out of this next cycle of abuse instead of predicting. In a way the most helpful thing to do is focus on the immediate problem or I fear we’re will scare her so much she will stop asking for the much needed support she is asking for. For my part in this, I am sorry.

Not related, but I just watched an episode of Coronation Street where a guy is being abused by his male partner. It has come to light with his loved ones and the more they try and help him, the more he withdraws.
The more his loved ones criticise his abusive partner, the more the abused person defends him. It is all done out of fear.
OP is very clear her husband is not a pervert. Well, he’s looking at a lot of porn so that’s an issue. But it seems he’s not leering at other women in public because the issue her is control of his own wife, rather him having no control of his urges.
Sadly, there is a huge correlation between a man who constantly rapes his wife and children in the home being sexually abused. That is too much for OP to accept, but it is factually correct. If he sees the children as people he owns, it’s an issue.
He can be a caring father but the children will crave that, but they always know it is temporary. They will be hyper vigilant to changes in his mood. The stress of this on a child’s health is huge - as well as mental distress it can lead to a lifetime of physical health issues. Children who aren’t at peace have a lifelong battle as adults.
I am sorry if that is upsetting, but there are children here who need safeguarding.

You have been deceived by him using the "bill accounts". That is not a clear view of all your marital assets, it is only a pinprick. As you already know there are other accounts that are hidden from you completely. Do not request to see all the accounts, DEMAND to see them. It doesn't matter whose name they are in, you are Married, and ALL ASSETS are joint. If he refuses start your own (secret) account (open one on line) and put small amounts in, so you will not be so vulnerable financially.

Wasn’t my intention to harangue her, but I think my post and others were a pushback to some dismissive assertions of the OP. I think for as long as she sees the risk and damage as being to her, and to her only, she is also less likely to act. I also think OP thinks he is a fundamentally good man with a particular issue and I am trying to challenge that because I do think it’s necessary to do that and helpful in the longer term.

I have been posting here from some time and I’ve never expected her to end this immediately or blamed her for the situation. However I take your point, I certainly don’t want OP to feel she can’t post here, so I’m stepping back.

@YourOliveBalonz I hope you will still be posting on this thread. You have been very insightful and supportive x

I would encourage you to stick around @YourOliveBalonz and I agree, your posts are hugely helpful and balanced. The OP (sorry to talk about you as if you're not here PinkPoet) is in a perfectly normal cycle where she clearly starts to see the abuse and then moves into idealising and denial. Classic cycle of abuse. We are all walking a line here. Many of us know from lived experience how hard it is to wake up to abuse and leave. It's also not okay to pretend that the children live in any kind of ideal situation where they are not harmed by their dad being an abuser and a predator. I think there's a huge amount of goodwill on this thread and a lot of care and support for the OP, even if it sometimes feels like really tough love.

It’s unfair to repeatedly suggest that OP’s husband is a threat to their children.

How is it unfair. He has repeatedly put their lives at risk, how is that not a threat?

Please give her the credit of being both aware of the risk and willing to take immediate steps to do something if there was a whisper of a threat.

She sat with him whilst he drove like a maniac. Not a whisper, an actual dangerous driving incident, more than once and she absolutely did not take immediate steps.

She watches him behave aggressively towards the child all the time. Not just a one off but as a regular routine in their home.

So don't tell other posters that OP is willing to take immediate steps. She is not.

OP is prepared to accept 90% shit for 10% not shit. That's her life, she can do that if she wants but her children don't have that choice.

They are so little and vulnerable and she is allowing him to hurt them.

I am in no way expecting OP to immediately leave but she won't even acknowledge the harm she is doing to her own kids. All she thinks about is herself which is incredibly upsetting to read.

Agree with all of this.

This. The bill accounts, does his wage go into that account? Because I don’t think it does.

yes I mentioned this earlier - if you dont know what his wages are, and can see that you are paying equal proportions as a minimum, from your respective earnings, its not sure that its an equitable arrangement.
OP may be paying 75% of her potentially lower wages to cover all the child stuff, which should be a family outgoing. Much of what you do for kids may seem like 'fun' but you sure as hell wouldnt be doing it out of your purse if you didnt have them - ie play groups/ days out in the holidays/ soft play / friends party gifts.

He meanwhile may only be paying 40% of his much higher wages covering the bills, giving him alot more spending money, and possibly saving himself a nice nest egg at her expense.

many people keep seperate finances, so that their personal / hobby spends dont need to be scrutinised, but they make sure that all bills are covered, some joint savings is going on if possible, and each has equal spending /fun money

me again, changed my account again as he was looking in my emails today under the excuse of looking for an invoice.

Ive now changed to an email address which I don’t use.

Please know I do accept everything you say and I am trying so hard not to stick my head in the sand

I’m just trying to get through the day at the moment. The bank stuff can wait for now. I need to keep the atmosphere level for my own anxiety more than anything

I have told him this evening that I would like a break from sex for at least a week or two as I’m feeling sore afterwards and that might be the anxiety. He didn’t reply he just gave me
a cuddle but he definitely heard me.

Sending hugs and strength to you Pink Poet xx

I must admit a bit anxious to go to bed tonight. Things feel a bit off

Thank you @SharpSheep x

I’m worried about your browser history, Poet. It’s not as easy to cover your tracks these days, just even app usage etc. it all shows up. He’s definitely WFH to keep an eye on you. Be careful.

I’m a bit anxious for you too :( I just want this cycle to stop for you x

Be careful, but please don't be so scared that you can't talk to us, as then you'll have no one.

What can I do about this? I don’t use the app I’m on my phone
I’ve got such a headache today

I’m rubbish at technology but i asked chat gpt so ill post my screen shots

Thank you xx this is helpful

You were all right. It’s getting worse again. I feel sick writing this but I know you will tell me honestly what to do. And if this is not ok from him? I feel like it’s really not.

Don’t read this if it will trigger you

When we went to sleep I told him again I would like a break from sex as I am anxious and still a bit sore from sex we had two days ago. He said ok. As I was drifting off to sleep he asked if he could masterbate next to me. I said that’s your choice but I’m going to sleep. He tried to move my hand to get me involved and he said it doesn’t work without you, but I turned over and I heard him stop and he must have gone to sleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night , I was face down, and he was laying on top of me masterbating. I felt really scared. All his weight was on top of me. He started to touch me intimately before he knew I was awake. Once I woke up properly I said what are you doing and he just got really close , leaning on top of me and said ‘is it ok if I f**k you?’ And I know I should have said NO but I just nodded and he did it. I was face down the whole time and he was pushing down with his hands on my back and it hurt but I didn’t say anything .

afterwards he said ‘well if I’d have known you were up for it in the night i would have tried that ages ago’ and I just wanted to cry. I said ‘I was half asleep when you started that’ and he said ‘no way, I asked you if it was ok and you consented so you’re not telling me you didn’t want it’

He’s now gone back to sleep and I feel like I’m going to die of anxiety

I managed to get onto the RC 24hr online chat just now and I am not joking (you’re going to think I’m making this up) the lady said:

That sounds really tough and like you didn’t want to say yes. But if you nodded he probably took that to mean you consented.

so now I feel like im being dramatic. Am I? Please tell me :(

Coerced sex is not consensual. He was already on top of you. You "agreed" to it, but you did so because you were afraid not to, not because you wanted it.

What should you do?

Split up with him.

He's just going to keep doing this to you while you stay.

I'm sorry the Rape Crisis person wasn't very good or didn't understand the full picture.