(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

I’ve read some of these too. The consensus is they can control themselves .. but so so many don’t! He’s not a one off as we can see from that other thread PP thought was me.

He does use trauma against me 100%. He’s said a few times that because of my prior SA that is why I’m still struggling with what happened between us. Implying that other women would not think it’s such a big deal…

I already know he will be dreadful with boyfriends. He would not cope with that at all , but isn’t that just a normal protective dad thing? He and his friends joke about it like no one is going near them . Which is hypocritical yes considering when we got together

no, its not a normal dad thing.
Its normal to be a little protective, to warn if they are complete arseholes (although that often backfires) but the best way is to treat them just like any other friend, welcome them into your home, chat to them about school or college, and wish them a good evening before they go out the door together.

@ByPinkPoet0 it would 100% be a big deal to other women if their husbands raped them. Honestly you trusted him when you were young and vulnerable and he’s used it for his own purposes. He actually makes me sick. He is so predatory, he is dangerous. There has to come a point where you stop glossing over his behaviour.

Men may tongue and cheek say no one is going near my daughter, but the reality is most men are not rapists and can behave in a reasonable way when their daughter is old enough to have a boyfriend. There has to be a balance to protect our children but give them space to grow and allow them to be their own person. But I would expect any decent dad to welcome the boyfriend home, treat him as a guest and get to know him.

Totally. It's not like you can easily explain to a teenage daughter that her best mate can't stay over in case her dad decides to rape her in the night 😳.

Look I’m starting to think I have misrepresented him here. He is NOT a pervert, never creeps on other women, doesn’t even look at other women. He often says it’s all me, it’s just me and always will be. I know I’ve said I think he’d move on quickly if we split but only because all men out of divorces seem to.

He is really not a risk around the children.
It’s very upsetting to see these comments because it’s not him at all. He’s really caring and protective of them.

There’s a big jump between what’s happening between husband and wife and what some people are suggesting relating to the children. That wouldn’t happen and I wouldn’t still be here if I thought there was even a tiny chance .

You say you wouldn't be there. But you have also said you can't leave. So which is it?

You are ok with your children suffering emotional abuse but not physical abuse, is that where your line is?

Just trying to understand what it would take to put your kids needs before your own.

Oh you have not misrepresented him, we are aware he is a rapist.

' He’s really caring and protective of them. '

No he is not.

I think it's pretty normal for someone in the OPs shoes to not fully grasp the risk to the kids - she's still hasn't fully grasped how abusive he is to her.

I believe that at some point, whether that's in a few weeks, a few months or a decade, the OP will suddenly see things for how they are, the risk that he poses to the family, and escapes. But it's not Eastenders, the pace of escaping domestic abuse often starts at baby steps at a snails pace. That's where the OP is at, and I'm proud that she's starting to take those baby steps.

Keep talking to us OP to even if it's hard. Please.

I'm so sad that you keep calling such horrible, horrible stuff 'normal'.

PinkPoet, I'm saying this really kindly. You have literally no idea what risk he poses to children/teenagers. Of course he wants you to believe that his whole world revolves around his unmanageable attraction to you - it's his get out of jail free card and makes you feel responsible for him sexually abusing you.

Everything you say about him - absolutely everything, just oozes control. He let you have a peep at the accounts to shut you up. He's going to sort it out so you have access. Try saying nothing more about this and see what he does. He's predatory and he's monitoring you, hence the WFH. I always worry about your online privacy. Please be savvy and so careful.

He’s also been sleeping on the sofa on the nights that we don’t have sex . He says he’s doing that out of respect, he’s trying to be better and not be inappropriate when I’m trying to sleep or already sleeping. Not that this is enough to forget it but it’s something to show he’s trying I guess

He's not trying. All he has to do is not sexually assault you when you are in bed. Something that most men do everyday as normally as brushing their teeth. Most men don't give it a second thought.

But him? Oh no, he has to make a huge song and dance about, it go to another room, sleep on the sofa. Look at me! Look how good I am to not be abusing you for one night! Don't you dare say I'm not trying.

He is a horrible predator and no, you cannot guarantee that every other female in the house is safe with him.

At the root of his control and abuse of you are horrible, misogynistic attitudes. He fundamentally believes that women and girls are less than men, exist to serve them sexually and be treated like objects or possessions.

Women/girls who report sexual abuse are liars (as his parents stated). The way he talks about your daughters is consistent with this, he is "protecting" them from boys because he believes they are his possessions.

Whether or not he sexually abuses them himself, he is setting them up to be abuse victims in the future. They will want to escape this toxic household into the arms of the first guy who is "nice" to them, just like you did.

How will he respond if they are abused or raped by someone? - he will disbelieve them, blame and shame them.

I guarantee you, you are not his first or only victim. His partying phase likely was full of sexually coercive behaviour, abuse and sexual assault. You have no idea how he is with other women at work or whereever, because someone with those awful attitudes about women will treat women badly.

Of course it's really upsetting.

But he doesn't have proper sexual boundaries- he gropes you etc when he thinks the kids aren't looking.

He has this weird banter about future boyfriends, which is and isn't normal. It's not unusual in some men, but it is coming out of misogynistic attitudes about women & girls as property, as the sex class, as being spoiled or devalued by sex. He's not running round joking about protecting his boys' virginities or from girlfriends, I bet.

And I agree with pp about him sleeping on the sofa - it's performative and is about making you feel bad.

Unless you have sex, you're denied the normal comfort of sharing a bed.

And re hiding skin, most men are not apt to pounce on their partners the moment they see or feel flesh. And if aroused, they might like to do something about it, but they don't unless it's wanted. I can be as naked as I like, with my bf, but he won't jump me unless I want to be jumped.

So you know deep down that he CAN control himself then?

One thing I would say is the one person in real life that you’ve told about this, did minimise what you are going through. Maybe she didn’t know what to say and it’s a shame she hasn’t gone away, thought about it and came back with a response that is more appropriate to what you are going through. Her suggestion that he needs therapy is very far short of the mark.

TBH it is very tricky being the friend in this situation and jumping immediately to "your husband is a rapist and you should leave him", if the OP was herself minimising and defending his actions as she does here.

It is quite possible the friend didn't get the full severity of the issue when couched in "but he's really wonderful and I love him so much"

Caring and protective dads don’t drive dangerously, deliberately, with their kids in the car. Nor do they get annoyed when their newborn’s need for milk gets in the way of the sex they think they should be having with their exhausted postpartum wife.

You are the one who doesn’t see him accurately I’m afraid. You had not identified until recently that he has been raping you, and you had not identified that his monthly outbursts were abuse. You believe he loves you, and that he’s a great father. There are so many things that you have come to believe are normal that are not normal. You have been very confused about how he acts towards you, and how he says things that can’t be right - but somehow you can believe some things he says and be completely sure of the risk he poses to others? How?!

I agree he may not be a risk to your own children in terms of SA. Enough children are abused though and I’m sure the wives of the perpetrators would also say their DH would never, but that’s by the by. You absolutely cannot be sure that your husband who is completely motivated by sex would pose no risk to an unrelated 14 year old girl who looks old for her age though can you? You can read threads here about the many people who have been abused on sleepovers, would you not say your husband has a few more risk factors for being a sexual offender than most, given the fact he already is one?!

Put it this way, if your friend told you her husband was wanting sex all the time, has to sleep on the sofa to control himself, and that you have woken to him raping you on various occasions…are you happily sending your teenage daughter to that house?

As I said before I don’t think it’s beneficial for anyone including the OP to be giving advice while she’s in this part of the abuse cycle. We’ve seen it ourselves in the real world, we’ve seen it over the OPs threads. Nothing goes in while she’s in the’high’ part.

Unfortunately the next part is to come whether it be another rape, sexual assault, emotional abuse, manipulation. Once the OP enters that part of the cycle it seems she’s more receptable to advice.

Watching this all unfold in real time while the OP continues to go through this cycle is horrible. Even more so for the children.

I do have experience in DA so I know how difficult it is to leave, but there does come a point where as a mother you need to find the strength for your children’s sakes. Unfortunately OP has admitted she won’t do that, so I’m very concerned for them.

^I’m afraid I agree with this, OP, and you very likely wouldn’t know if it did. My DM had no idea what my F was doing, as I said before. Once again, I’m not saying it will happen but it’s not a chance I would take in your shoes.

Even if he isn’t an SA risk to your DDs, he’s abusing them (and your DSs) in other ways. And you do need to think about what they will
be learning about sex and relationships.

OP please don’t delude yourself. I’m sure he’d be described as really caring and protective of you too (by his mother). This is not on you, it’s all him. I know this is mentally exhausting but you need to keep your wits about you.

The one friend you told, there is absolutely no way you’ve gone into the level of detail that you’ve shared here. No way would anybody say this is down to stress if they knew the full story.

And him blaming your previous SA on how you feel now is insulting. I mean you have a straw poll here of hundreds of women who are horrified about what’s going on. Sadly DA does happen all the time at every level of society, but that doesn’t mean it’s right or that it has to be tolerated. I would hope that your head is not living in the same era as the nearly 90 year old woman on the AIBU thread, because that story is going to be yours unless you take action.

I assumed you were assured that there was no threat because you had sons, but now I am concerned because there are daughters in the house. You have a man who openly admits he cannot control himself, I suspect uses porn to excess, and at some point he’ll be surrounded by teen girls and their friends. You will be an anxious wreck by that point. You’re already treading on eggshells.

I understand this is overwhelming, so much to comprehend. It must feel like a pile on and you are getting more defensive, probably because he’s been nice for a few days.

This isn’t going to get any better unless you do something very brave. You came to mumsnet because you know it’s not right. You do need to seek help from WA and confide in the other friend who knows you better. I believe that you do have the strength to do this.

It’s unfair to repeatedly suggest that OP’s husband is a threat to their children. Please give her the credit of being both aware of the risk and willing to take immediate steps to do something if there was a whisper of a threat.

All anyone is doing by suggesting this over and over is to ramp up her anxiety, which is already extremely high. The goal is to help her, not make her terrified and mistrusting of everything in her life. She’s aware, let it drop.

you also dont want to be all 'yes leave him, he's a monster' if you suspect that he is controlling her. Because when it goes back to the lovely cycle, you run the risk of being cut off, especially if she tells him what you said at some point - and these blokes are very good as sniffing someone out who is likely to offer support, and turn you against them.

How many friends, possible checks and measure support, gauges as to whats normal, or just people to have fun with are gradually lost because the drip drip of poison about them happens. It can be so subtle that you dont notice.

I’m sorry but I don’t agree. He is a threat to her children regardless of whether he will go on to SA them too. He’s emotionally damaging them. He’s shouting, he’s playing with their lives by slamming on brakes or driving fast because they dare to make a noise. They’ve also seen him grope her and her cowering in a corner while he shouted over her.

OP is aware of this, and she still says she won’t leave him because she ‘enjoys sex sometimes and he’d find another woman in 5 minutes anyway’