(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

I’m ok thanks for asking. It’s hard to get a minute to my own thoughts because he’s here all the time in the holidays.

Things have been good and he’s obviously trying very hard in the ‘good’ phase.

He showed me all the bank accounts and I can see there is nothing dodgy going on there.

Is it all as tight as he says? When counselling was expensive.

Not exactly , there’s not loads left over but it should be ok. Im going to continue to go to therapy until I get to the the top of the wait list for the SA service.

He’s also been sleeping on the sofa on the nights that we don’t have sex . He says he’s doing that out of respect, he’s trying to be better and not be inappropriate when I’m trying to sleep or already sleeping. Not that this is enough to forget it but it’s something to show he’s trying I guess

I can't believe what I'm reading. So he is saying that the only way he can stop forcing himself on you is by sleeping on the sofa?! That he has no other way of controlling his actions when it comes to sex? Does that not worry you OP?

What the heck is wrong with him that he can’t sleep in the same bed as his wife without pestering for sex? He needs therapy too. Honestly I don’t trust him at all. He’s doing that deliberately to make you feel guilty. So when he appears back in the bedroom, it’s a sign that sex is expected?

If you stay what will happen when your DDs are older? Will they be "safe" from his "needs" if you are not available?

It does worry me a bit, he admits it’s a him probably and that he probably needs therapy as well. He associates sex with feeling content and being able to sleep and he says he can’t sleep while I’m in bed next to him as he just thinks about sex and touching me and so on. He says this is what’s happened when he’s started when I’ve been sleeping. It gets the the point where he can’t control it anymore. I have also tried wearing more in bed like long pjs as skin touching seems to set him off.

@shoppingred54 yes he’ll come to bed as normal and if we don’t (because I’ve said no) he’ll toss and turn for a while and then decide he can’t sleep and move to the sofa
This has been the last night or two since we last did it

Why does he work from home so much when you are at home during the school holidays? That feels like a control thing to me, but wondering if there is an innocent explanation

I think the worst thing about what he’s saying about sleeping on the sofa is that he thinks he’s being “good”.
He is trying to blame having no self control instead of accepting he is a predator. Having no self control is maybe having a few extra biscuits or spending too much time, this is not a lack of self control as he knows exactly what he’s doing :( sorry @ByPinkPoet0 , it sounds like the next cycle of tension till he gets sex is nearly full circle again,

He doesn’t usually but he says he wants to spent ‘more time’ with us. We also visited some of his family end of last week where he enjoys being doted on by his mum about what an amazing involved dad he is … 🙄

It feels more like he’s keeping an eye on you tbh, I could not imagine working from home with 4 young dc and feeling it productive or appropriate.

This has crossed my mind too

Did the issue of getting you joint access to the accounts come up when he was showing you them? Is he still stalling on that?

I think his behaviour with the sofa vs bed situation should make it easier for you to do the same? If you really don’t want sex, and the interval (or him getting in bed) is making it clear on a particular night that it’s going that way, you can take yourself off to the sofa. You say clearly you don’t want sex tonight but it’s not fair he’s always on the sofa so you’re going to do so tonight. You can play his game and say it is all out of consideration to his difficulties!

A further point, and I’ll be honest I really hope you are out of this situation by the time this would be a thing, but even if you believe he would not touch the kids I would hope you won’t ever risk their friends sleeping over at your house.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5452347-dp-has-sexomnia?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

is this your thread too OP? @ByPinkPoet0

No that is not me. I did see that and think it sounds similar in some ways but I’ve never heard of this condition

Did he sort out joint access to the accounts or just show you them?!

Hes accepted he’s a rapist then by saying the only way he can keep himself from raping you is by sleeping on the sofa. Do you not see how far from ok that is?

And yes like a pp said, it’s nearly the part of the abuse cycle where he will rape, sexually assault, coerce you into sex, emotionally abuse, or scare you in some way. So please be prepared for that.

I think some psychiatrists say it is, and some say its a load of bull (in reference to the sexomnia thing)

anyway this isnt that, because he acknowledges he is fully concious and that he 'cant control himself/ stop thinking about sex.

That isnt normal though. It really really isnt, to be so completely obsessed about sex, to the point that you supposedly cant control yourself at all.

It would make him extremely dangerous to be around, because there are lots of sexually attractive women out there in the world, its impossible to not encounter people who would attract you, and if he says that when he gets turned on he cant control that feeling, he cant stop that train once it starts running - well where would that leave him??

So no. I dont really believe that. What I believe is that he has a really warped sexual compulsion and you are his outlet for it. He feels that this is your role. that this is just a little blip in the road until its full sexual access all the time.

And I agree that he is working at home because he is keeping an eye on you. He knows something is up/ something is changed.

It’s just the details are all very similar. Down to the length of time together, the style of writing, the abbreviations and even the ‘his hand isn’t the same’ excuse.

Anyway, did you read the thread about the emotional abusive dad and from his grown up daughter’s perspective? About how her mum allowed them to stay in that environment?

I feel very concerned for you that you have to go through this continuous cycle. I think the love you feel after sex is actually relief, being thankful that you consented and that he didn’t assault you. I feel very bad for being harsh with you the other night when you posted. But there was concern for you under the harshness and I wanted you to know that.

I googled 'Can some men genuinely not control themselves' and some interesting discussions came up on Reddit.

generally it was ' they can, they choose not to'

one interesting comment was about men using womens trauma against them, and their own trauma as an excuse. And then in therapy, using the therapists words to abuse further.

Its not just MN who knows this stuff!

@FMc208 Yes some details are similar , but it’s not me. I’ve not heard of that and luckily DH probably hasn’t because otherwise he’d probably be claiming he has it!

He showed me the bills acc and said he will put me on it. Will see if that happens.

Yes I did read the other thread. I’m not denying that it causes emotional issues. I have said I am really trying my best to do the right thing but it’s hard. The one friend in real life who knows about all this doesn’t react the same as you guys. She said I should get him to go to therapy as he clearly has mental health issues and is suffering from stress.

All of the sexual behaviour is towards me. There’s a big jump between what’s happening between husband and wife and what some people are suggesting relating to the children. That wouldn’t happen and I wouldn’t still be here if I thought there was even a tiny chance .

@ByPinkPoet0 at the moment your dc hopefully look
like little kids , but puberty can start for 9 onwards and girls bodies change ( at different paces). You are not in a position, at the moment to say it will never happen, I am affraid . I too would like to hope it doesn’t happen either, it would be awful. Surely after suffering sexual abuse you don’t want to risk anything happening to a female child? I hope in the next few months / years you can hopefully see the situation you are in and have the strength to get him out of your life.

What raises red flags for me re the kids tbh is that you were barely an adult when you got together. A man of 30 or thereabouts going after a teenager. I won't be any more specific than that because you want to keep it vague, but whilst it was legal, it's icky and the kind of thing most men would run a mile from.

His boundaries seem way out of normal both in dating you and obviously the years of sexual abuse that have followed.

You might think he won't never do anything in a million years to the kids, but you also probably never believed he would be a rapist, or that he would claim he can't control himself. I certainly wouldn't want a rapist who admits he can't control himself sexually, anywhere near kids. Even if not an issue now, what about in a decade or so when they are probably teenagers. You know he likes teenage girls...

you saw the bill account, but have you seen HIS account? do you know how much he earns? how much he saves? what percentage of his wages goes towards bills and what percentage of YOUR wages go towards bills (because child stuff is a family bill, even if it is taking them to soft play - you wouldn't be doing it for your own fun.

and if not them - because my god, Id really hope he would control himself around them - what about their friends. Ive heard many a scare story, and experienced it myself, of friends dads being horribly inappropriate.

or the other way, in trying to control them and what they wear or do - because HE thinks in overtly sexual terms, he may try to 'protect their dignity/virginity' and thats equally as damaging. How will he be with boyfriends (if you have girls) or your son's girlfriends? how will he advise his sons to behave towards other girls?