(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

“I want to protect them of course but I also want them to have a happy life with two parents who love them and a good relationship with a dad they adore”.

Bottom line is the kids will never have a happy life if you stay with this abuser. And they will never adore him. It will always be performative for them, they will feel a fear and a need to please.

If we separated it would be hard, we’d be skint, he’d be difficult and probably have a new girl in 5 minutes

And there it is. You're not willing to make the necessary sacrifices for your kids. You'd rather spend your life pandering to what he wants.

That's fine for you. That's your choice, if that is what you want to do.

But your children don't get a choice. They have one chance at childhood. You want to take that away from them for a man who clearly doesn't give a fuck about any of you.

After multiple threads and posts over the last few weeks…i agree with this. I’m sure someone will
be along soon to poo poo this away and encourage OP to keep posting etc etc but honestly the more this goes on the more the concern shifts to the wellbeing of the children.

I know abuse victims find it hard to leave, but these poor children literally do not have a choice but to live with their abuser. The OP has made that choice for them.

Agree. The poor kids who have been bought into a toxic abusive relationship and will grow up thinking sexual physical and emotional abuse is normal. Their lives will be shaped by this and they will be more likely to end up in abusive relationships themselves.
But hey I’m sure it’s worth sacrificing their entire childhood to enjoy sex with an abuser. So the line about protecting the children was just hollow words because they’re below sex in your list of priorities.

You've made a choice - sex is more important than your children’s welfare. At least we all now know it’s time to stop wasting our time having sympathy for you

I know you’re all just being honest and I deserve it. This is why I felt very ashamed to admit I still love him after everything that’s happened.

I feel like to only benefit of asking for a month long break from sex would be like a ‘test’ to see if he’d do it again? And to piss him off. and I’m scared about that .

Just because you sometimes enjoy and consent to sex with him, doesn't mean he hasn't raped you and been sexually abusive in the past. It does sound like you're in a toxic cycle. You say you wanted it, but was there no part of you tonight that gave in because you knew he'd continue to pester you until you did?

Even abusive relationships aren't awful all of the time. That's why victims often stay for so long. If abusive men were abusive 24/7, nobody would stay with them for long. But make no mistake, he IS abusive and will continue to be so. And yes, you are modelling this for your children.

Firstly, given he's a rapist, but says he's changed, What's wrong with actually testing out whether he means it?

Secondly, a month will give you the time to step out the (approx 3 day) cycle you are in of him nagging you for sex, you giving in, then saying how much you love him because you're flooded with hormones, then the dust settles and over the next 2 days you realise again he's an abuser, and it then starts again. Break free of that cycle so you can see the wood from the trees again.

Thirdly, you're clearly not having sex because you're desperately craving it. You're giving in because you're craving things feeling 'normal' again, and because he makes life so difficult when you don't. As you said earlier today, you don't even know what it would be like to initiate sex as you don't have a change.

Most importantly, and it's tied to the first one. Knowing sex is off the table allows trust to slowly rebuild. For true intimacy to build - where a smile is a smile, and a hug is a hug, and you aren't afraid to ask for a cuddle.

I’ve asked for my post to be deleted as out of place and wrong given such a complex and dreadful form of abuse against the OP. I apologise.

It’s ok, no one can think worse of me than I currently think about myself x

Honestly I think anyone expecting someone to realise they are being coercively controlled and subject to the most insidious form of abuse AND find the courage to leave that relationship within a month should get off this thread

@ByPinkPoet0 look at it all tomorrow with a clearer head.

Progress isn’t linear … you take a few steps forward and then one step back. That’s all that has happened, nothing is lost or undone. When you are in an abusive relationships you feel grateful for scraps of respite or “love”.

You don't 'deserve' to be abused, and your children certainly don't deserve to be around such a dysfunctional, abusive relationship. I don't think you can see the wood from the trees here, you're to enmeshed in it. Just keep reminding yourself that your children deserve better x

Please know I don’t think worse of you at all.

No one thinks worse of you. The woman that have left abusive relationships before pave the way to try make it easier for others to escape. We are proof that you will not only survive but both you and your dc with thrive in the right environment. It wasn’t easy for me and yes, I now have to check my bank balance daily where as I never did when married. But my house is so peaceful. One thing I didn’t realise till recently as a victim of abuse is that I’ve been unable to really decorate my house mentally and didn’t have a desire to, I’ve started reading up on it, I am not properly healed yet either, it’s a long road. But I can help myself a bit now as I don’t have someone in my house abusing me.

Agree. Thanks for being the one to call this out.
She has no intention of leaving this man and this thread is upsetting in that now we are all aware there are children that are in a home where daddy does exactly what he wants, when he wants, gets away with it and there’s no one looking out for them.

OP keep that appointment with Rape Crisis no matter how long the wait. Don’t ditch it when your turn when it comes even if that occurs on one of your happier days.

I will x 6 months I think

If we separated it would be hard, we’d be skint, he’d be difficult and probably have a new girl in 5 minutes

Ok, so you don't even believe you're special to him or it's this amazing love and grand passion on his side - cos you know he'd replace you quickly, treat you like you're interchangeable.

OP you are not to blame for his behaviour but you do have a responsibility towards your children. These are not the same things.

Earlier in the day you were saying that you definitely did not want to have sex with him and you were asking for advice on how to convey that to him. Then a few hours later, you're posting about having sex and how wonderful and loving it was.

These are mixed messages. We're getting them and he is getting them as well.

You talk about a month of no sex as if that's a thing that could possibly happen. You know that won't happen, we know that won't happen, he knows that won't happen so what is the point?

You don't have to leave him straight away, all you need to do is recognise that you are in a relationship which is physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive and that your children are suffering as a direct result.

I am starting to recognise this. I am reading the book recommended too and I recognise a lot of things

This makes sense , thank you.
A few days in I start to worry about it again. Like how long is he going to wait before he gets angry or possibly does it again.

But as someone else said I am aware I’m giving him mixed messages and he says the same thing. I’m hot and cold one minute I say no the next I say yes type thing. He says I’m messing with him .

Anyway - reading the room. I can sense I am
Pissing people off now. And im sorry