(TW SA) 2nd thread (support)…

[ByPinkPoet0]

First thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5497497-trigger-husband-sa-why-cant-i-tell-him-and-why-do-i-feel-guilty

Huge thank you to everyone who has supported me in this so far. If you’ve got this far I really appreciate it. I read all the advice even if it seems like I don’t take it on board straight away. It’s been a difficult time of realisation for me.

I am making another thread so I can continue to post.

This is such a helpful outlet for me I’m so grateful ❤️

Thanks for your thoughtful reply 😊. I'm just really wary of people who say if you tell your parents what he was really like, they'll support you, because so often that's not the case. I want PinkPoet to have support and if there's a chance her parents will make excuses, it's best they're not involved.

Completely agree x

Especially because as you mention, often people who are in abusive relationships have grown up witnessing poor boundaries / covertly abusive behaviour from their parents and therefore their parents either don’t recognise abusive behaviour in their adult children’s relationships or simply don’t think it’s a ‘good enough’ reason to leave.

There are so many layers to it and I suspect from what OP has said that she was made especially vulnerable to a man like her husband by at least some elements of her upbringing.

I feel so proud that she has been clear she doesn’t want to have sex over the last few days. It takes so much courage to stand up to your abuser x

My parents are very into keeping up appearances.
They would place a huge amount of importance on keeping the family together for the children.

Not saying they wouldn’t care but they would struggle to accept that it was reason enough to break us up.

His family would never believe it of course. In conversation his mum and dad have both expressed exasperation at women who come out in the media about sexual assault. I remember when the Prince Andrew stuff came out they openly discussed how she was clearly lying for attention and money .

I would be framed as the awful wife making up accusations.

So I don’t have many people I can trust with this.

I really feel for you right now. You can feel the tension and it seems he’s making it know he wants sex. I don’t think that’s all he wants, he wants back control more than anything.

”Needing “ sex isn’t normal how he explains it. I don’t live with my partner so maybe we may go 5 days without sex. His first instinct isn’t to complain or initiate. If it’s been a long week for both of us it’s Netflix, cuddles and bed, and we do have sex when we both feel less tired and more relaxed. We can read each other and non sexual touch still makes you feel love and connected. What your husband wants is complete domination of you, it’s very far from normal, it’s like he’s asserting himself as “the boss”.

do you have a plan of anything you can do apart from give in? Sleep with kids? Or would he try and come and get you?

I’m so sorry you’re frightened OP. I think @throwawayimplantchat had good suggestions about phrases you could try. As others have said - if it comes to it, can you walk out the room? Would you feel safe doing that?

It looks like the apple didn't fall far from the tree!

I don’t know. I’ve never walked away
I feel uneasy about it

@bigboykitty - exactly! And can you imagine what they’d say about me if this ever came out.

Once you don't give a flying fuck what people say about you, it gets much easier. If you're a people pleaser, this takes time. You probably can't imagine getting to this stage - nor could I - but you will get there.

You did, you got up and walked away in the morning the other day.

My ex told everyone I left him because I was menopausal, having a breakdown and wanted to meet men off the internet and have sex with them. Anyone stupid enough to believe that frankly deserves his friendship.

Maybe he'll tell his family that you denied him sex and he loved you so much, he couldn't live without it. The truth is he's a rapist and sexual predator. It gets easier when you understand that abusers never tell the truth and always blame the victim.

It must be very difficult @ByPinkPoet0 to try to stand up to this, as you’re used to doing what you’re told/coerced to do (this is not your fault).
As @DropOfffArtiste says, you have started to say no and walk away - that’s huge!
I agree also with PP who’ve said that anyone who puts appearances above actual abuse aren’t worth having in your life, but you know that at least one of your friends will believe you and there will be others.
There are hundreds of women on this thread who all believe you and want to support you. You’re not alone - keep posting when you want/need to.

IIRC OP you implied in the last thread that your H's dad was abusing his mum so they're hardly good judges of what a healthy marriage is. And also fits with their revolting warped views about Virginia Giuffre.

Just my opinion -
if a friend said her husband cheated but they are going to work though it, I would wish them well.
if a friend said her husband raped her but they were going to work through it, I would tell her to call the police.

OP I think you’ve made some excellent progress since your first post.
I think it’s really clear that the sexual side of your relationship won’t change. He won’t stop. So it’s a case of accepting that you have to have sex with him as often as he likes to stop him violently raping you. The only alternative is to leave him. There’s your 2 options - you desperately want a third option but sadly there isn’t one.
I wish you well on your journey wherever it takes you.

OP I think you’ve made some excellent progress since your first post.
I think it’s really clear that the sexual side of your relationship won’t change. He won’t stop. So it’s a case of accepting that you have to have sex with him as often as he likes to stop him violently raping you. The only alternative is to leave him. There’s your 2 options - you desperately want a third option but sadly there isn’t one.
I wish you well on your journey wherever it takes you.

I am worried about @ByPinkPoet0

Home is a place to feel safe but I feel home for you is the opposite right now.

Please don’t feel any shame coming back here as we all understand the reason you give in x

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe
I am starting to thinking maybe there is something wrong with me. The truth is that although I do feel a certain amount of fear and anxiety around sex (especially when I have flashbacks to that night and think about what he is actually capable of) - I do actually want to have sex with him. I feel like I want to.

I love him, find him really attractive and , I like it , most of the time. It’s so messed up.
Apart from the times I have described in the past.

So that makes me think , especially compared to some peoples reactions about never wanting sex again etc, then maybe this is something I can move past.

We’ve had sex tonight and it was loving and trusting and I enjoyed it. It felt like it was for both of us not just him.

The truth is I feel a bit ashamed to admit it but I feel like we’re in a bit of a toxic cycle relationship now. Like how it used to be at the start.
I used to tell my friends I can’t live with him but I can’t live without him

sorry for the brain dump

Staying with him is the easiest option, I get that, I understand why you want to do that because it's easy for you.

But what about your children. No matter how much you want to stay with him, surely you know you have to protect them?

Why should they have to live with an abuser just because you enjoy sex with him?

It's good that you can brain dump here, OP. You have an awful lot to process and this is a good way of doing some of that.

Please don't feel ashamed of your conflicted feelings. Your survival instincts are screaming at you in opposite directions at the moment (part of you knows that this is all terribly wrong and part of you is trying extremely hard to deny that fact). You desperately want to believe that all of this can be made to be OK, you are very invested in that idea and that is understandable.

And maybe in that way I’m just as bad as him and we deserve each other?

I want to protect them of course but I also want them to have a happy life with two parents who love them and a good relationship with a dad they adore.

If we separated it would be hard, we’d be skint, he’d be difficult and probably have a new girl in 5 minutes

@ByPinkPoet0 I think you have to stop comparing yourself to others who don’t want to have sex again that have been through a similar experience to you. They have a different coping mechanism to you. The facts are that the rapes have happened and yourself and others have made different choices that help you cope with it. Just because you do sometimes enjoy sex, it doesn’t minimise him waking you in the morning for sex of expecting it twice a day.

I am glad you feel ok and happy. However if you read back your posts from that last few days, you were in fear, anxious and it started to sound like you didn’t even like your husband. Your body has released lots of feel good hormones right now. It kind of lets off a false sense of security that there is trust there.

You say it’s getting worse that he wants sex on demand - that that’s a worry. Sometimes you won’t be medically well enough. I’m having surgery in a few weeks and I’ll have stitches in three different places. If you were in my position, could you trust him not to force sex onto while you are vulnerable like that? Because if he did that to you, you’d end up in hospital! He’s never held back so why would he?

I’m afraid I agree with this.

I do agree, you are in a toxic cycle . You need a new therapist to discuss this with.
One thing though, when you give into him do you feel powerful? Like it’s not giving in and that you are “letting” him?

I don’t think it’s beneficial for anyone for posters
to be giving proper advice, sometimes based on their own experiences, while OP is in this part of the abuse cycle. It seems nothing goes in, untiL the next part of the cycle starts - which unfortunately happens after a rape, sexual assault or emotional abuse. :(