We all know that one person that always orders the most expensive thing when someone else is paying, but… extreme content 😂

[AliceR1]

What is it with men and being totally reckless with money? Guy and I, known each for about 5 years, went exclusive about six months ago. It’s his birthday next week so I said I’d take him out for a birthday meal out. He picked the place so I knew it wasn’t going to be budget but what I wasn’t planning on was him ordering a £100 bottle of wine followed by more by the glass. I wasn’t drinking as I drove there and back. He knows I’m not in the poor category but that’s essentially down to extreme budgeting, which he’s well aware of. It was a nice mea out, totally ruined by me still internally stewing over the fact that I picked up a tab the equivalent of a monthly food budget for me and two kids and totally put me off sticking around him for a moment longer. We do get on but this really narked me.

Of course. My comment was more aimed at all the people saying “why didn’t you say something at the time?!?!” As if they can’t comprehend that most people would find this a big shock to have someone they thought knew suddenly behave in such a cheeky, inconsiderate way (and in a public place on his birthday all adding to her feeling backed into a corner). She sounds like she’s processing it all now and seeing the overstepping for what it was. How is anyone saying “why didn’t you xyz there and then?” supposed to help? And it’s not just this thread, I see it all the time.

I am checking in shamelessly to see what you say to him and how he responds. I'm rooting for you! You better get half the dinner cost back before you do anything else!

That was really mean of him. You are a single mother. He was milking it. I would feel used.

I dated one of these. His date night seemed to be a Domino's at home, mine was an evening out with him ordering willy nilly with not a care in the world. Didn't last long. He was a sponger overall from other friends etc as well

Uggh so rude. I have a friend like this, hospital consultant so earns well, but at a restaurant dinner when it's clear the bill is going to be split she'll order two cocktails and drink wine like a fish, then ask me for a lift home. The last meal like that cost me almost a week's food money as I wasn't drinking but everyone else was.

On trips to the movies I will either pick her up and drop her home as she is on the way, or get an uber home and drop her on the way - she will make the driver stop for free which is mortifying. Never offers to contribute to parking.

The one time she dropped me home as I didn't have a car we had to walk for ages to her car as she didn't want to pay for parking. I do like her in many ways but the cheapness has become tedious and I've stopped meeting her for anything except walks as I am tired of that feeling of being rinsed.

I also prioritise spending on my kids and good food and would frankly rather hang out with them. I think there comes a point with someone like this where your generosity and good will are suddenly used up and you quietly pull back rather than be put in that awkward position again.

I would say something and if he didn’t immediatley send me £100 there and then I would dump him on the spot. I would never do that to someone else paying, awful behaviour.

THIS-plus I’d appreciate you paying for the wine, I will cover your meal.

If he had previous CF form, and also the fact that it was a ‘nice’ restaurant , I would have been asking him what he was planning on ordering before they took his order, and seeing what the pricing looked like, especially if I lived on a budget!! Have u not pulled him
up on this since?? I wouldn’t have been able to
hold my tongue.

Haven’t read all the responses but have read all your posts op.

just one quick thought, did he see the bill? When I was out with family sil ordered house white by pointing on menu and waiter bought wine, when bill came was a much more expensive wine which when we checked the bottle it was. She had completely thought she was ordering a reasonable bottle. we paid twice what we thought we were. Is it possible he thought he’d ordered a 30 bottle?

With his actions he has elevated himself above your children. He knows you scrimp and save and yet he decided he was more important last night than feeding your kids or paying for their clubs/days out. That’s abhorrent and smacks of a level of entitlement and delusion that feels pathological.

I actually wouldn’t call him out on it, as I wouldn’t want to spark any strong negative feelings towards me going forward. Instead I’d be more inclined to reply saying that you’re glad he had a great night, but for you it cemented a feeling of incompatibility lifestyle wise. His love for extravagance just doesn’t fit with how you live your own life and unfortunately the cost of the meal and alcohol has left you short for this month. Add in the fact that you’ve felt like this for a little while and you think the relationship has run its course. No hard feelings etc.

He might offer to reimburse you but probably wouldn’t want that. I’m sure he’s reply would be defensive and you can reply what you have here, that it took you by surprise and you didn’t want to cause a scene, plus of course it was a celebratory evening that you didn’t want to spoil.

All of the above, with the emphasis on recouping your losses. It sounds like you’re just about keeping your own household afloat and supporting two children on your own and this was selfish as well as extremely unnecessary of this man. Figure out some way to get that money back, be creative -maybe you’ll be “short” on money for a big grocery shop next week or hit with an “unexpectedly high” bill that you’d like him to help cover.

I do this all the time, giving people benefit of the doubt, but I’d bet a large sum that he was aware, and the attitude was, it’s my birthday, not my money, let’s go wild.

I'd tell him that you offered to take him out for a birthday meal - to pay for the food but the drinks bill is on him (quite reasonable seeing as you don't drink, and you were driving, so couldn't even if you had wanted to).

Ask him to transfer you £100 asap so you can afford to feed your kids this week.

That’s just incredibly bad manners. And it’s very a very immature mentality. It’s the sort of thing a 5 year old would do in a sweet shop - just grab everything because they can.

Most men I know wouldn’t do this. I know one who would and he’s rotten to the core.

When my nana was late 60s she has a male lodger about 20 years older. He drove them on days out. If it was his turn to pay it was a cafe. If it was hers it was a country house tea room. Even at that great age men can be dickish.

Yep, I think @EvangelicalAboutButteredToast nails it perfectly. Your gut was telling you to be wary, he seemed to manage to mask his tendencies for a short while and then has reverted to type. Sad but so much better to know for certain now than have him move in with you and expect to be carried for the rest of your lives.

That’s terrible of him - what a CF!

Personally
I would explain to him that you don't have enough money to feed your children and make out everything is fine with the relationship,so you get the money back for the wine he drunk then when you have that money I'd dump him.
If you dump before saying you want the money you won't get it back

Aww. Did a combo of all the great suggestions here - told him that he’s mistaken my offer of paying for dinner for his birthday for what it turned out be and that his extravagance and expensive taste, when someone else is picking up the tab, isn’t aligning with my frugal living which he loves taking the piss out of… hasn’t responded in 20 mins, though he lives with his phone glued to his face. Venting here, not contacting him first but waiting for a message and then responding to that has actually made me feel a lot better after the fiasco last night!

Why didn't you set a spending limit for his dinner? That's just foolish not to do so when you have kids to feed.

Sorry, he's an ass but if he's drained you to the point of not being able to buy food, I'd be asking for half the dinner cost. Your kids are your priority and they need to eat.

Don't see him again. You need to start setting boundaries with people.

Well done, now get some money back for the wine and dump!

When I offer to take people out at my expense, I choose the place.

At more expensive restaurants, when someone is hosting a group, it is very common for the host to advise the HW that any orders, e.g. additional wines, must be placed by the host. If anybody argues the toss, they pay when ordering. This is more to guard against rowdy piss-takers, so not the same as in your case.

Normal adults don't need a spending limit and adding a limit would make most people feel uncomfortable and would sour the whole experience. If I'm taking my friend out for a meal I know she's going to choose something in a sensible price band. Likewise if I'm being taken out for dinner I don't choose three courses and a cocktail. OP assumed that her boyfriend would behave like a socially aware, decent, non greedy person and choose options that were a reasonable price. She shouldn't need to apply a spending limit for that! It's obvious.

And then you can fuck off. Thanks 🙂 (the freeloader, not the posters)