Boyfriend asked for space after first argument, is this a breakup?

[ForOpalEagle]

me and my boyfriend of 2 years have a really loving relationship, we were both in quite abusive relationships before we met and due to his previous relationship he struggles with communicating his feelings, he said it mainly stems from his previous girlfriend often invalidating how he feels. He hasn’t had any therapy for this issue but it hasn’t been a problem until a couple of days ago, I will try to keep the next part shot but I want to give as much info as I can.

last week he was really off, everytime I asked he said he was fine and it was just tiredness, fast forward to 2 days ago he starts telling me he isn’t happy, he doesn’t get any time to himself and he feels unstable in life, I ask if there’s anything I can do to help he says no because it isn’t us he feels unstable about, stupidly I asked why he didn’t just tell me this week and said I kinda felt lied too… this leads us to our first ever argument, by my standards it didn’t seem bad, we wasn’t shouting at each other but it was late at night so we both went to bed angry…

the next day he says he needs space to reflect, I understand this and agreed to leave him be, 24 hrs of no contact pass by and I start to feel anxious as he never stated how long all he said was I won’t be seeing you at the weekend, so I reach out and politely ask if he had a rough timeline in mind for us to talk. He says no because I made him feel how his ex did and he feels like he can only express his feelings as long as it doesn’t upset anyone, I feel terrible for this I apologised and explained that I felt lied to, I accepted responsibility for not communicating better and said in hindsight I should’ve just listened instead of fixating on the idea of him potentially lying to me, he then said I should stop trying to justify it, I sensed he was still angry so I apologised again and I said I was here if/when he was to talk.
im now back in limbo with no idea what’s going on.

my question is really is this a soft break up or does he genuinely need time to process?

my anxiety is telling me that by waiting for him I’m just delaying the inevitable, but I love him so much I dont think I can walk away.

It would be a break up for me if my boyfriend behaved the way he is. Adults in a healthy relationship are open and discuss issues not behave in the way he is.

Sounds like he's met someone else he plans to be with this weekend

He sounds incredibly immature, OP. You were wrong to feel lied to just because he didn't immediately tell you he was going through a difficult time. He obviously felt uncomfortable sharing with you, and he was right to as instead of offering support you got angry.

But this doesn't excuse the silent treatment he's giving you. You will have many more arguments if you stay together, and this is not how adults behave to resolve issues. For me, it'd be a huge red flag that he's stopped contact over a small argument. You've apologised and acknowledged your mistake and that's all you can do. He should have accepted that and moved on as we're all humans who make mistakes.

Don't apologise again. Stand up for yourself. You don't deserve this immature, ridiculous silent treatment.

Nah, he has his daughter every weekend who plays online with my daughter, plus we are still sharing locations, this one isn’t a cheating matter. Be a lot easier if it was!

I know 😩 it was one of those where you calm down and instantly think why did I do that.

It sounds like every time you slightly question or disagree with him, you will be 'invalidating' his feelings and you will get the silent treatment as punishment. He comes across as self absorbed and difficult.

Oh god, I thought from the sound of this you were both in your 20s but no, you have kids old enough to be gaming together.

For me this would be enough to send him packing. It’s not how a mature adult handles an argument.

Ooh no OP.

Can you read your post back to yourself again. Maybe pretend it was someone else writing it.

Look how many times you talk about apologizing to him. Yet he is still in his sulk, and milking it by the sounds of things.

This is your first disagreement in two years. Have a think back as to whether there have been any brewing before, and you have swept the matter under the carpet to avoid any conflict.

His behavior does not bode well. He is a grown adult who should be able to deal with some conflict. Most adults (old enough to have older dc which it seems you both have) should know how to cope with some uncomfortable conversations without a sulking session. This is a major red flag OP.
Going forward consider this will be his reaction to anything minor situation he doesn't like. And in the process causing you major anxiety.

No @ForOpalEagle this is not healthy and you might very well find you are in another abusive environment now.
Give him all the space he needs, and during this time really think hard about if this is how you want to live going forward.

Honestly it’s the first time we’ve disagreed, which I think is why I’m so shocked by it. Everything else has been amazing, he shows up, isn’t controlling, never raised his voice to me or made me feel bad in anyway… until this argument, it’s so weird to me

Yeah, sounds like it

For me a crucial part of a healthy relationship is that you can disagree or argue but be able to move on quickly and be back to normal once the dust has settled ie within a few hours.

Silent treatment and needing space after 1 minor disagreement isn't healthy and isn't reasonable.

You’re thinking about and worrying about and analysing his feelings while he doesn’t appear to be making any effort to reciprocate. Don’t contact him again and see what his next move is.
Maybe he’s just after some more time to himself and wants a more casual relationship. Up to you whether that’s something you want too.

He was open when he was able to articulate it. The craz person he was with labelled it lying for daring to not be able to say it instantly. He should run for the hills.

This has crossed my mind! But literally a few hours before we had the argument he was talking about us moving in together. It’s honestly the strangest situation I’ve ever been in

Also keep in mind that you don't really know someone for a good 18 months to 2 years. If you have a look at any research on abusive relationships, masking is a very real thing.

You say you don't want to break up as you love him too much. Has there been love bombing thrown into the mix too?

I've been in a relationship where there was silent treatment. I see now it was a punishment for disagreeing. It fucks with your head OP, and if I were to go into another relationship, the first sign of this, I would be out.

Try to seperate your feelings about him and his behaviour towards this minor occurrence. Better still, think about if your young adult daughter came to you with this situation. What would you advise her to do?

I don’t think there’s been love bombing, I haven’t really thought about it as there’s been no conflict up until now.
I will take that advice on board though thank you so much

This isn’t a healthy relationship.

From what you are saying about your boyfriend’s behaviour and what he has said about his ex, I am wondering if it was quite as simple as there having been just one way abuse (presuming abuse took place). Silent treatment in itself is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse. You’ve already apologised multiple times and he is doubling down.

However, if this is a case of him struggling because he is very damaged by some terrible abuse, I would be equally wary because you don’t want this type of behaviour around your child.

Either way, it’s causing you a great deal of anxiety and understandably so because his reaction seems very disproportionate from what you’ve said.

By the sound of it, you’ve been ‘trained’ to apologise profusely instead of looking at the other person’s behaviour as well. If you are able to step back a little and also expect him to act as an equal in your relationship, you will gain more perspective.

Sounds like he's had second thoughts after talking about moving in together....

Maybe. Who knows. We’ve never had an argument before so I have nothing to compare this situation too unfortunately, this could genuinely be how he handles conflict or it could be something completely different. It’s hard work lol

I think you've done well to not have any arguments in 2 years. That suggests you're pretty compatible and both low conflict people. He's not someone who sets out to have an argument and make life difficult. It sounds like he's been triggered and the need for space could be a trauma response. I think it's fine to support him in taking space but also say how you feel and ask if you could have a conversation after the weekend. This could be a really good opportunity to learn about each other.

Thank you, we genuinely do get on so well, even when we had the argument there wasn’t any raised voices.

Often, when men ask for something that essentially helps them process emotions or in any way admits their vulnerability, women can assume that they are lying because a lot of women think that being a proper man means not needing things like emotional space or feeling confused or hurt.

If I respected and loved someone, I'd believe them when they said they needed space and I'd respect that. I wouldn't doubt them and then turn their need into an attack against me. That sounds like something a narcissist or just abusive person would do.

It all depends on what type of person you want to be. Do you want to be the person that cannot accept when someone says they need space. Do you want to be part of accusing them of being predatory and manipulative for needing a moment?

What do you think a therapist would say to their client if they reported that they'd asked for some space after being triggered by their partner, and then their partner accused them of awful things because of their request? Who do you think the therapist would say is more problematic?

If it is the way he handles conflict, then you're in trouble.

If it isn't a break-up, going forward this isn't something you should accept. It doesn't matter where it comes from, it's an emotionally abusive behaviour.

If he was the victim previously, he should want to do better for you and for himself.

I would want him to do individual counselling or therapy if you're going to stay together.

It's not OK to visit your past on your current relationship. He needs to sort himself out, not you accept poor treatment (and vice versa).

Don't just be so glad he returns that you smooth things over and no progress is made. If you want a life together, there will be conflict sometimes and you are worth more. It needs him to do the work.

I’m a bloke, I think he just needs time to process. You can carry lots of trauma into a relationship & blokes tend to take longer to process and understand how they feel, how they could deal with it better, even working out what it is they said / did to make you annoyed and felt like you’d been lied too. Any longer than 24-48 hrs of no contact would be concerning though. Perhaps suggest going for a walk the kids can play and people find it easier talking when walking / not having to make eye contact etc