18 months chatting but never met, now rumours online about him

[AlphaKat44]

Hey all!
I need some advice.
I've been involved with guy for 18 months, I connected with him on Hinge.
We've never met in person, only facetimed a couple of times, and its mostly Whatsapp.
He says the reason we haven't met yet in person is because of his anxiety, and his general mental health after witnessing several traumatic experiences.
He lives an hour away from me, but everytime he tries to drive over he has panic attacks behind the wheel when he gets to a certain place due to an accident where he and his mate were hit by a drink driver, and his mate was killed(It was a hit and run)
He also says he is "worried I won't like him" and constantly doubts himself because his previous relationship was volatile on her part, she cheated and when he confronted her she cut him.
Last week a person who I thought was a friend posted a picture I had showed her on Facebook (without his consent)
onto a group called "Are we dating the same guy?" and its made things worse for us.

Apparently this so called friend got anonymous comments on the posts from other women saying they had arranged to go on dates, and he never showed etc, but wouldn't tell me or show me the post/comments to "protect these womens privacy" so I asked him about it.
He told me that after we had a huge argument he went back on the dating sites as he thought we had broken up for good, and that yes he had reached out to other women but never went on the arranged dates.
He said it was because his love for me stopped him, and I'm the only woman he wants.
Ironically the post got deleted after my friend "told" me about it.
Was it malicious to try and drive a wedge between us?
We were really strong and now he is doubting himself again.

Your friend was trying to help you see sense. Read what you've written and imagine someone else was telling this to you.

Dump and block, this bloke is playing you for a fool and even on the very outside chance that he isn't, you have no future with him. You only live an hour away yet haven't met in 18 months. This is not a relationship.

For perspective my daughter met her now husband online. He lived in Canada, she lived in Scotland. She had anxiety around flying yet they were so keen to meet that after a few months she made a transatlantic flight to meet him and the rest is history.

@AlphaKat44 Why can't you meet halfway? Or get a train to him? Or him get a train to you?

I don't drive either but I still visit people and places . I take the train/bus/taxi. It is possible to to travel without driving. You could have met him in the nearest town/city and both taken public transport.

@Iloveeverycat

"Probably married then"

Yep

He has had trauma in relationships.
He is getting therapy for his "issues" currently.

How much money have you sent him?

You cannot be in a relationship with someone you have never even met. This is not even dating, let alone a strong relationship. Stop letting this man string you along. If you are old enough to have raised kids alone for 16 years, you are old enough to know better.

Sounds like you've got the wrong walls up if you've let this guy in and swallowed all the crap he's peddling. Why on earth would you let this go on for so long without meeting up? His reason is the most bogus flannel and you fell for it? And you're still questioning whether it's your actual friend you should trust over him?? You really need to drive a wedge between you and him yourself and start over, at least taking your chances with a real life person.

Oh op, is that really the way you see this?
You honestly class yourself as his girlfriend?

The good news is you have a lovely friend who is looking out for you, that can't have been an easy thing for them to do knowing they might lose a friend in the process. Treasure your friend and maybe apologise if you need to, for having 'shot the messenger'.

Also, dump the man who is lying to you and making excuses. You deserve better

are you getting therapy for yours?

Yeah from his wife - and all the others on the side.

I think the chances are OP that you're being conned by someone pretending to be someone else, and that's the reason why you haven't met.

Kindly and gently, delete and block the number and move on.

Your friend sounds very sensible. I would try following her advice to the letter for the next few months.

This is giving Sweet Bobby vibes.

Are there other reasons you never leave your house? You don’t socialise outside the house? go to work? Go shopping in shops? Go to theatres or cinemas? Go on holiday?

Frankly using the excuse ”I don’t drive” as a reason for not making any effort to meet up with him is as weird and immature as him being unable to travel, anywhere to meet you.

If you actually want to try to see if this “relationship” ( I use the word very loosely) has any future then at least one of you has to pull on their grown up pants and make an effort.

The village he lives in is rather remote, and nearest train station is at least 45 minutes from the mainline station.

You are really strong but never met? Oh come on.

😆 I had similar thoughts, sorry op.

So does he work? Socialise? Go shopping? Or is he stuck in his bedroom with a computer and a box of tissues?

He seems to have all the answers/reasons for not meeting you…

Your friend encouraged you to try a dating app so for her to have taken the action she did must mean she is incredibly worried about you. Have you changed your behaviour because of this man?

The red flags are waving wildly and you can’t even see one - why not?

How convenient.

He targeted you deliberately and you are being played.

What's 45 minutes, or even four or five hours, to someone in love?

And there are no public transport links whatsoever? No taxis available? Come on now, OP, stop fooling yourself, this is not a relationship, this is a fantasy.