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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

18 months chatting but never met, now rumours online about him

344 replies

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 12:46

Hey all!
I need some advice.
I've been involved with guy for 18 months, I connected with him on Hinge.
We've never met in person, only facetimed a couple of times, and its mostly Whatsapp.
He says the reason we haven't met yet in person is because of his anxiety, and his general mental health after witnessing several traumatic experiences.
He lives an hour away from me, but everytime he tries to drive over he has panic attacks behind the wheel when he gets to a certain place due to an accident where he and his mate were hit by a drink driver, and his mate was killed(It was a hit and run)
He also says he is "worried I won't like him" and constantly doubts himself because his previous relationship was volatile on her part, she cheated and when he confronted her she cut him.
Last week a person who I thought was a friend posted a picture I had showed her on Facebook (without his consent)
onto a group called "Are we dating the same guy?" and its made things worse for us.

Apparently this so called friend got anonymous comments on the posts from other women saying they had arranged to go on dates, and he never showed etc, but wouldn't tell me or show me the post/comments to "protect these womens privacy" so I asked him about it.
He told me that after we had a huge argument he went back on the dating sites as he thought we had broken up for good, and that yes he had reached out to other women but never went on the arranged dates.
He said it was because his love for me stopped him, and I'm the only woman he wants.
Ironically the post got deleted after my friend "told" me about it.
Was it malicious to try and drive a wedge between us?
We were really strong and now he is doubting himself again.

OP posts:
KidsDoBetter · 26/03/2026 13:59

You sound very immature.

Here's a tip - if online dating if you haven't met within a week to 14 days you and / or them are not interested in an actual adult relationship.

You do not have a strong relationship with this man. Don't be daft.

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 14:00

viques · 26/03/2026 13:56

Are there other reasons you never leave your house? You don’t socialise outside the house? go to work? Go shopping in shops? Go to theatres or cinemas? Go on holiday?

Frankly using the excuse ”I don’t drive” as a reason for not making any effort to meet up with him is as weird and immature as him being unable to travel, anywhere to meet you.

If you actually want to try to see if this “relationship” ( I use the word very loosely) has any future then at least one of you has to pull on their grown up pants and make an effort.

Since Pandemic, I only go out if I really need to.
Even then I'm cautious as I hate crowds and loud noises.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 26/03/2026 14:00

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:47

Do bikini pictures when I've been on the beach count?

Well I’m sure it counts for him to add to his wank bank gallery

Come on OP either this a wind up or you’re the most gullible person on planet earth

I doubt the best friend killed by a drunk driver or the crazy ex even exist outside of his own head

UncannyFanny · 26/03/2026 14:00

An hour away is bugger all. You could easily have used public transport to meet up long before now. I wouldn’t even still be in contact with someone that relatively small distance away and still never met them after 18 months. Neither of you even need to drive to cover that distance.

busyd4y · 26/03/2026 14:00

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:56

The village he lives in is rather remote, and nearest train station is at least 45 minutes from the mainline station.

How very convenient 😀

pinkdelight · 26/03/2026 14:00

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:56

The village he lives in is rather remote, and nearest train station is at least 45 minutes from the mainline station.

And he doesn't live there and isn't who he says he is - isn't that much more likely than this scenario of him being stranded unable to get out of a village in 2026??

Starlight1979 · 26/03/2026 14:00

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 14:00

Since Pandemic, I only go out if I really need to.
Even then I'm cautious as I hate crowds and loud noises.

You've said you sent him bikini photos from the beach though? So you've managed to go on holiday?

TooPoor4PandaPooTea · 26/03/2026 14:00

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:56

The village he lives in is rather remote, and nearest train station is at least 45 minutes from the mainline station.

Get a bus as close as possible and he can meet you there.

His reaction to you suggesting that will answer whether he loves you or not.

TwistedWonder · 26/03/2026 14:00

KidsDoBetter · 26/03/2026 13:59

You sound very immature.

Here's a tip - if online dating if you haven't met within a week to 14 days you and / or them are not interested in an actual adult relationship.

You do not have a strong relationship with this man. Don't be daft.

100% if a man is interested he will nail you down to a date asap

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 14:01

Thanks for the input.
Will definitely be taking it into consideration.

OP posts:
365RubyRed · 26/03/2026 14:01

I think this is a catfish playing the long game.

TwistedWonder · 26/03/2026 14:02

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:56

The village he lives in is rather remote, and nearest train station is at least 45 minutes from the mainline station.

And here is where the shark was jumped

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 14:02

Starlight1979 · 26/03/2026 14:00

You've said you sent him bikini photos from the beach though? So you've managed to go on holiday?

I live 10 minutes from the beach.

OP posts:
APatternGrammar · 26/03/2026 14:02

If he needs to avoid a specific point of the road he could surely take a different route. How did you fall for that one?

Doranottheexplorer · 26/03/2026 14:02

Why are you using words like love and relationships, you've never met him. He's a random person you know nothing about. He could be me for all you know.

Stop wasting your life. Get some therapy. Apologise to your friend.

MayaPinion · 26/03/2026 14:03

He’s married or in a long term serious relationship. If you haven’t met after 18 months you’re not going to meet. I did this once for 6 months. When we finally met it was a complete let down. What was witty and funny in writing came across as snidely and bitchy in real life. And I didn’t fancy him AT ALL! If you’re desperate to continue the relationship set a deadline and agree to meet half way via train. Many people travel an hour or more to work each day so it’s really not a big deal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/03/2026 14:03

And do not send him any more photos. It is highly likely that he has shared your photos with others.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/03/2026 14:03

You must be very determined not to have a real relationship, what with pouring so much of your energies into this complete non-relationship.

"He says the reason we haven't met yet in person is because of his anxiety, and his general mental health after witnessing several traumatic experiences."
I can understand supporting a partner with anxiety/MH issues - but this is a man you've never met! He's not a partner. He's not even a friend. Why are you spending so much emotion on him? Can you answer that question to yourself if you don't want to post the answer here?

Bottom line, he's either lying to you, or telling you the truth. Let's look at the possibility that he's telling the truth first.

If he's telling the truth he is crippled with his anxieties, and is not emotionally available for a relationship. He needs some serious therapy, not someone hanging on to him in a non-relationship. And you need to ask yourself why you're so keep to use his anxiety to block you from engaging with other men who would be emotionally available. You are putting your life on hild for a man you've never met.

Then, there's the possibility that he's lying.

If he's lying and spinning this story of crippling anxiety, he's a weirdo who gets off on manipulating women. He likes to watch them twist themselves into pretzels trying to be supportive, to be 'nice'.

Truthful or lying, there is no possibility of a relationship here.

"Last week a person who I thought was a friend posted a picture I had showed her on Facebook (without his consent) onto a group called "Are we dating the same guy?" and its made things worse for us."
She is your friend. Are you familiar with the phrase 'can't see the woods for the trees'? It's about seeing the overall picture rather than just a few of the details. In your case, all your attention is on his trauma, his anxiety, him. Your friend is at arm's length and can see your behaviour, his behaviour, the effect his behaviour is having on you. And without an attachment to him she is capable of questioning what the hell is going on. And acting on those questions.

"He said it was because his love for me stopped him, and I'm the only woman he wants."
Really? He loves you so much he can't even work out a route on a map that wouldn't take him through that "certain place" that's so traumatic? It might need one hell of a long diversion, but do you really think it's not possible?

"We were really strong and now he is doubting himself again."
Oh, come on! You've never met!

Why are you arranging your life to make sure that you cannot be in an actual real relationship?

CharlotteStreetW1 · 26/03/2026 14:03

What exactly are you getting out of this "relationship"?

And your friend has done you a massive favour.

Mauvish1 · 26/03/2026 14:03

I doubt a single thing he's told you is true.

It's all so very convenient for him, isn't it?

Maybe it's convenient for you too. You can pretend to yourself and others that a man is interested in you without ever having to leave the house or even actually talk IRL to said man. Maybe you don't really want a RL relationship?

cramptramp · 26/03/2026 14:04

It’s not in a relationship. You’re not involved with him. You can’t break up if you’ve never even met. He sounds like a fantasist playing some weird games with women online. Block him on everything.

Gertle · 26/03/2026 14:04

Even though it feels like you know someone so well through chatting online, you really don’t know them properly until you meet.

Thats true even if he has been completely honest with you. You may know about his trauma and his childhood and his insecurities but you don’t know how it is to sit next to him or how he chews his food or how he smells.

Those things aren’t insignificant. There’s a chemistry that exists only in person that you either have or don’t and I think it’s not a good idea to spend years pursuing something when there’s this foundational familiarity missing.

Moreover, the intense intimacy that can develop online isn’t always a healthy thing. It’s not the natural order to know deep things about people before you know what it’s like to look them in the eye. Video chats help a bit because at least you’re talking in real time but why have you only a FaceTimed couple of times? I feel after all this time it should be comfortable to video chat.

Imagine you were going to go meet him right now. You’d be really nervous right? You’d get the butterflies you would normally get on a first date? Does that on its own not feel uncomfortable? After 18 months with someone it would usually be really easy and comfortable and you can be yourself without thinking of it.

How long are you ok with it going on like this, fully online? Don’t you want to cook together and watch films together and know each others friends and families? Isn’t it going to be a lot of pressure once you do meet? What will the relationship even look like? Would you be people who are just starting to date except you already know everything? Or are you people in a somewhat long term relationship who are doing absolutely everything (not just intimately but day to day) for the first time?

I think it’s not even that relevant if he’s telling the truth or not. Even if he’s a lovely guy with anxiety, it’s just all so much to deal with from someone who you don’t really know.

Mulledjuice · 26/03/2026 14:04

We were really strong

What do you think this even means?!

You have a pen pal

Starlight1979 · 26/03/2026 14:04

Mauvish1 · 26/03/2026 14:03

I doubt a single thing he's told you is true.

It's all so very convenient for him, isn't it?

Maybe it's convenient for you too. You can pretend to yourself and others that a man is interested in you without ever having to leave the house or even actually talk IRL to said man. Maybe you don't really want a RL relationship?

This sadly.

Just two people lying to each other online.

Epicuriouss · 26/03/2026 14:05

I’m sorry, what the fuck did I just read?!

What the hell are you doing with your life, seriously.