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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

18 months chatting but never met, now rumours online about him

344 replies

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 12:46

Hey all!
I need some advice.
I've been involved with guy for 18 months, I connected with him on Hinge.
We've never met in person, only facetimed a couple of times, and its mostly Whatsapp.
He says the reason we haven't met yet in person is because of his anxiety, and his general mental health after witnessing several traumatic experiences.
He lives an hour away from me, but everytime he tries to drive over he has panic attacks behind the wheel when he gets to a certain place due to an accident where he and his mate were hit by a drink driver, and his mate was killed(It was a hit and run)
He also says he is "worried I won't like him" and constantly doubts himself because his previous relationship was volatile on her part, she cheated and when he confronted her she cut him.
Last week a person who I thought was a friend posted a picture I had showed her on Facebook (without his consent)
onto a group called "Are we dating the same guy?" and its made things worse for us.

Apparently this so called friend got anonymous comments on the posts from other women saying they had arranged to go on dates, and he never showed etc, but wouldn't tell me or show me the post/comments to "protect these womens privacy" so I asked him about it.
He told me that after we had a huge argument he went back on the dating sites as he thought we had broken up for good, and that yes he had reached out to other women but never went on the arranged dates.
He said it was because his love for me stopped him, and I'm the only woman he wants.
Ironically the post got deleted after my friend "told" me about it.
Was it malicious to try and drive a wedge between us?
We were really strong and now he is doubting himself again.

OP posts:
WhatAPavalova · 26/03/2026 13:25

There is a very high chance this is not what you hope it is and hope it could be.

I’m really sorry OP but I don’t believe you have all the truth from him. Why have you never visited him?

GardenCovent · 26/03/2026 13:25

I’ll be upfront and say I’ve never used OLD so can’t say what is normal or not but even I can see that if you have never met someone after 18 months you are most def not in a relationship with them.
Id walk away from this op, even if what he is saying is true he sounds absolutely draining.

Imdunfer · 26/03/2026 13:26

How much money have you sent him so far?

Bombombomtralala · 26/03/2026 13:26

Wakey wakey

FieryA · 26/03/2026 13:28

You seem to be in a fantasy land and need to come back to reality. Your thinking is quite immature too. You cannot be in a 'strong' relationship with someone you haven't even met. What love are you talking about? You don't even communicate regularly. Let's say he does manage to meet you once. Then what happens? If he has trauma and anxiety, what's your plan on how to proceed with dating? Why are you wasting your time? Forget about worrying about some facebook group and focus on improving your self confidence and self worth.

jsku · 26/03/2026 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tonissister · 26/03/2026 13:30

Stop wasting time messaging someone you've never met. Get off line and into the real world and meet someone who you can get to know by spending time together, in the flesh.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/03/2026 13:30

Honestly, you can’t be this daft surely?

RanchRat · 26/03/2026 13:33

Mate, this is not good for you. Move on and find someone else.

GinaWhoLikesADrink · 26/03/2026 13:34

This cannot be real 😂

But if it is... he's a fraud and OP is a fantasist.

OP, I think your friend is far wiser than you and she is trying to protect you. If you must insist on trying to have a relationship, you need some essential criteria in a partner. For example:

  1. Partner must be a real-life person.
  2. You must meet partner in person, to ensure they are real.
  3. Avoid people with an unbelievable history of victimhood.
  4. Avoid people who blame you for their behaviour.

This list is not exhaustive.

Iloveeverycat · 26/03/2026 13:34

Why would anyone speak to someone for 18 months and not meet. He is only an hour away why couldn't you go and see him to see if he was legit. If he couldn't face driving why didn't he come on the train.

apostrophewoman · 26/03/2026 13:35

How did his 'love for you' stop him from going on dates with random other women when he's never even been on a date with you?

Like other PPs, have you ever suggested that you'll go and see him? Has he never suggested this? He just says he's worried you won't like him? And you swallow this BS?

Listen to what the other women said on the Facebook page, your friend is trying to do you a service, she can see this is all shite, and she's trying to get you out of wasting any more of your time. 18 months is enough, he doesn't love you, you don't love him, you're not 'really strong'. This is pretend.
Cut him off, move on, find a life.

L0V315 · 26/03/2026 13:35

@AlphaKat44

Hi op, how are you feeling after reading all of these replies, suggesting that you block and run?

How do you see yourself moving forward?

SittingNextToIt · 26/03/2026 13:35

My god is this how some women live their actual lives

TwistedWonder · 26/03/2026 13:37

GardenCovent · 26/03/2026 13:25

I’ll be upfront and say I’ve never used OLD so can’t say what is normal or not but even I can see that if you have never met someone after 18 months you are most def not in a relationship with them.
Id walk away from this op, even if what he is saying is true he sounds absolutely draining.

Best practice for OLD is if you don’t plan meeting g within a fortnight then let it go.

This one slightly exceeded that guideline

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:37

Iloveeverycat · 26/03/2026 13:34

Why would anyone speak to someone for 18 months and not meet. He is only an hour away why couldn't you go and see him to see if he was legit. If he couldn't face driving why didn't he come on the train.

Edited

I don't drive.

OP posts:
TiggyTomCat · 26/03/2026 13:37

What exactly is it that is attracting you to this guy? I'm really struggling to see it myself. He's not bringing much to the party. Is this who you really want to end up with - seriously? You have one life - don't waste it - live it.

365RubyRed · 26/03/2026 13:38

Why have you never travelled to see him, as he lives a mere hour away? Are you sure he's even a man?

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:38

WhatAPavalova · 26/03/2026 13:25

There is a very high chance this is not what you hope it is and hope it could be.

I’m really sorry OP but I don’t believe you have all the truth from him. Why have you never visited him?

I don't drive and he is very private about stuff like that.

OP posts:
AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:40

Imdunfer · 26/03/2026 13:26

How much money have you sent him so far?

Nothing.

OP posts:
RebelMoon · 26/03/2026 13:40

Do you really not see all the red flags here?

luckylavender · 26/03/2026 13:40

This isn't a relationship. You are modern day penpals. Run

Tillow4ever · 26/03/2026 13:41

Why are you ignoring all the other questions and advice? Have you sent this man any money? Please tell me you haven’t sent him any photos of you that you wouldn’t be happy being exposed to the world.

cestlavielife · 26/03/2026 13:41

Waste of time op. You may as well get a pen pal relationship with someone in prison for life.
If you want a real life relationship cut this one free and try again, meeting up in real life

apostrophewoman · 26/03/2026 13:41

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:38

I don't drive and he is very private about stuff like that.

Private about what? Where he lives, his home, his entire life? So, you know you're never going to meet, this will remain a 'fantasy' pretend relationship forever, one which means you'll never meet anybody else and never have a real life relationship?

Does this make you happy? Do you feel devoted to him?

Why don't you chat to other men on OLD apps at least as a starting point while still talking to Mr Catfish? He certainly does. What do you have to lose? You might even gain a life.

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