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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

18 months chatting but never met, now rumours online about him

344 replies

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 12:46

Hey all!
I need some advice.
I've been involved with guy for 18 months, I connected with him on Hinge.
We've never met in person, only facetimed a couple of times, and its mostly Whatsapp.
He says the reason we haven't met yet in person is because of his anxiety, and his general mental health after witnessing several traumatic experiences.
He lives an hour away from me, but everytime he tries to drive over he has panic attacks behind the wheel when he gets to a certain place due to an accident where he and his mate were hit by a drink driver, and his mate was killed(It was a hit and run)
He also says he is "worried I won't like him" and constantly doubts himself because his previous relationship was volatile on her part, she cheated and when he confronted her she cut him.
Last week a person who I thought was a friend posted a picture I had showed her on Facebook (without his consent)
onto a group called "Are we dating the same guy?" and its made things worse for us.

Apparently this so called friend got anonymous comments on the posts from other women saying they had arranged to go on dates, and he never showed etc, but wouldn't tell me or show me the post/comments to "protect these womens privacy" so I asked him about it.
He told me that after we had a huge argument he went back on the dating sites as he thought we had broken up for good, and that yes he had reached out to other women but never went on the arranged dates.
He said it was because his love for me stopped him, and I'm the only woman he wants.
Ironically the post got deleted after my friend "told" me about it.
Was it malicious to try and drive a wedge between us?
We were really strong and now he is doubting himself again.

OP posts:
greengreengrass3 · 26/03/2026 13:41

I think your friend is trying to support you, she can see the major red flags!
I’d be very concerned, has he ever asked for money?

Iloveeverycat · 26/03/2026 13:41

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:37

I don't drive.

Why couldn't you go on the train. If driving is so stressful for him he could have come on the train to see you.

Tillow4ever · 26/03/2026 13:42

Cross posted with you answering the money question. That’s one small mercy.

worst case - he’s a scammer taking you for a ride
best case - he’s genuine but needs therapy desperately before he should attempt any relationship

Throw this one back and find someone local you can meet. He might be married and looking for someone to send him photos to wank off to on the side so he can tell himself he’s not actually cheating.

365RubyRed · 26/03/2026 13:42

He's private about stuff like what - his address? His real name? He's either a middle aged married man having you on, a professional catfish looking for an eventual financial reward, or a woman who is toying with you for reasons of her own.

TooPoor4PandaPooTea · 26/03/2026 13:44

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:38

I don't drive and he is very private about stuff like that.

After 18 months in a relationship why don't you know where he lives? Kindly @AlphaKat44 not driving isn't an excuse for not going to see him, use public transport. Just like he could have done. If you loved someone and they loved you, effort to meet and spend time together would be made.
Him being private about stuff is him hiding the real situation. Most likely he is married or in a real relationship.

Yoyokitten · 26/03/2026 13:45

Eek red flags all over the place.
It shouldn't be this hard, especially in the beginning

I think you could be setting yourself up for trouble and misery.I would run !!

OriginalSkang · 26/03/2026 13:45

He's private about that because you are a random internet stranger, not his girlfriend

UpTheWomen · 26/03/2026 13:46

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:40

Nothing.

Have you sent him any intimate photos of yourself?

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:46

GCAcademic · 26/03/2026 12:54

Are you quite well? It sounds like your bar for relationships is lower than hell, and I'm wondering why?

I was on my own for 16 years, raising kids single handed, no support, no intimacy.
It was my former best friends idea for me to try online dating, and I connected with him.
I do have self esteem issues, I do have walls up because of my ex as well.

OP posts:
tooloololoo · 26/03/2026 13:46

Girl…. Move on

Iloveeverycat · 26/03/2026 13:46

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:38

I don't drive and he is very private about stuff like that.

Probably married then.

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:47

UpTheWomen · 26/03/2026 13:46

Have you sent him any intimate photos of yourself?

Do bikini pictures when I've been on the beach count?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 26/03/2026 13:47

hesa guy who uses it for entertainment and a fun buzz- probably in a relationship - that’s why he never meets up

murasaki · 26/03/2026 13:47

You have a good friend there. Listen to what she is telling you. This isn't a relationship at all. You need help.

GardenCovent · 26/03/2026 13:48

Op what do you do apart from message this guy?
Do you work, socialise with friends/family?
If so please carry on with this and widen your social circle and give this guy up.
It doesn’t sound like you are getting anything from the so called “relationship”

pinkdelight · 26/03/2026 13:48

Haven't you ever seen Catfish?? This twaddle about his trauma so he can't possibly get to your place an hour away by any route/transport method at all. Pull the other one. You weren't strong, you don't even know him and he's full of shit. If he even exist and this isn't a wind up.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 26/03/2026 13:48

This isn’t a relationship.

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:48

OriginalSkang · 26/03/2026 13:45

He's private about that because you are a random internet stranger, not his girlfriend

Exactly.
Technically I am a girlfriend as I'm a friend and a girl. 😂

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 26/03/2026 13:49

You would need to be beyond desperate to continue "seeing" this guy.

Girrafffees87832 · 26/03/2026 13:49

None of us can help you really. The situation is so ridiculous, I can't see how any of us can help. If you enjoy the chats and company, that's fine. If you think there is anything more to it or that you will ever meet him, you're a fool.

NotAWurstToIt · 26/03/2026 13:50

OP what is your relationship history? I’m wondering, kindly, why you are settling for this?
To be blunt this man is a liar or a fantasist - he could make arrangements to see you if he wanted to, he doesn’t want to. You could get a bus / taxi to meet him somewhere, but he doesn’t want that either.
Not only that, but he’s making arrangements to meet multiple other women and standing them up too!
I don’t know if he’s married, a catfish or just enjoys messing with people, but he’s not worth your time,
End this with him and work on understanding what you want and need from a relationship, There’s nothing wrong with OLD, but as PP have said, if no arrangement to meet after a couple of weeks then move on.
I think your friend was trying to help you to see what was happening and was maybe fed up of trying to tell you. Take this as a wake up call and don’t waste anymore time on this guy - do you want to be back here in 5 years still not having met him?

Ashkrevon · 26/03/2026 13:50

AlphaKat44 · 26/03/2026 13:48

Exactly.
Technically I am a girlfriend as I'm a friend and a girl. 😂

Thats the kind of statement a 12 year old would write

Starlight1979 · 26/03/2026 13:51

He lives an hour away from me, but everytime he tries to drive over he has panic attacks behind the wheel when he gets to a certain place due to an accident where he and his mate were hit by a drink driver, and his mate was killed(It was a hit and run)

No sorry. Not buying it.

applescentedcandle · 26/03/2026 13:51

The weirdest thing about this very weird post, is what did you expect MN to say? Have you ever read any other threads here at all?

Mymanyellow · 26/03/2026 13:51

And the band played ‘believe it if you like’

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