18 months chatting but never met, now rumours online about him

[AlphaKat44]

Hey all!
I need some advice.
I've been involved with guy for 18 months, I connected with him on Hinge.
We've never met in person, only facetimed a couple of times, and its mostly Whatsapp.
He says the reason we haven't met yet in person is because of his anxiety, and his general mental health after witnessing several traumatic experiences.
He lives an hour away from me, but everytime he tries to drive over he has panic attacks behind the wheel when he gets to a certain place due to an accident where he and his mate were hit by a drink driver, and his mate was killed(It was a hit and run)
He also says he is "worried I won't like him" and constantly doubts himself because his previous relationship was volatile on her part, she cheated and when he confronted her she cut him.
Last week a person who I thought was a friend posted a picture I had showed her on Facebook (without his consent)
onto a group called "Are we dating the same guy?" and its made things worse for us.

Apparently this so called friend got anonymous comments on the posts from other women saying they had arranged to go on dates, and he never showed etc, but wouldn't tell me or show me the post/comments to "protect these womens privacy" so I asked him about it.
He told me that after we had a huge argument he went back on the dating sites as he thought we had broken up for good, and that yes he had reached out to other women but never went on the arranged dates.
He said it was because his love for me stopped him, and I'm the only woman he wants.
Ironically the post got deleted after my friend "told" me about it.
Was it malicious to try and drive a wedge between us?
We were really strong and now he is doubting himself again.

I genuinely CBA with a pathetic bloke like this, even if what he says is true a real man would show up

You deserve better please don’t waste another minute on this liar

You seriously can not waste another minute on this man. You are not in a real relationship. Block and move on asap.

Have you ever cheated on him?

It would be much nicer for you if you could date someone who could be there for you, who could physically touch you, who could help you,
you’ve got to get out of this world of dreams it’s eating away your best years.

This is not a relationship, it's a man keeping you on a string for his own entertainment. Please block him.

I think that the reason you’ve put up with this so long is because you know deep down that he’s not likely to ever suggest meeting up or progressing things to a stage where you could commit to each other, so he’s safe. You don’t have to let down your barriers and have a real relationship and yet you still have an adult to talk to and have intimate conversations with. He fulfils as many needs for you as you do for him.

When you video chatted, was it in clear light where you could see his full face and body? My first thought is that he might be housebound for a physical reason, like extreme weight, or a disability he thinks might put you off him. Or he’s in a relationship but enjoys talking to other women and making them think there’s a chance of a relationship.

I also think that you’re a bit naive if you think you’re the only woman he’s talking to like this. Your needs may be getting fulfilled by him, but I suspect he has cast his net a bit wider. Your friend was looking out for you. You’d be a fool to be angry with her for trying to upset the applecart; she sees this man for what he is. So you either tell her that you don’t care if he’s talking to anyone else; you’re happy with a penpal style ‘relationship’ and you don’t want anything more, or you tell her that she’s right and admit he’s been wasting your time and you want a proper relationship with a man who wants to be with you properly.

Personally, I don’t think he’s treating you very well, even as a penpal. My advice would be to fuck him off, forget about relationships all together and work on yourself until you’re in a position to date yourself.

Its not a strong relationship, or a relationship at all - uve never even met the guy.

Girl run. Now. Put those trainers on and run fast.

How can you be really strong if you haven't met in RL. Im a member of those groups on FB, invaluable for finding the truth out about men, your mate did you a favour

Sorry but how many red flags do you need...?!

This.

Well this is basically a modern day pen pal situation isn’t it? He isn’t interested in actually meeting you, the panic attacks are a red herring. The fact he’s done similar to other women tells you all you need to know.

OP I'm sorry but just bin this off completely.
You say you were really strong but you've wasted 18 months now and never even met the guy. This 'relastionship' doesn't even exist..neither does this person you think you are having it with.
Sorry for being harsh but someone needs to be.
Sack it off.. .block him on everything and invest your time either in yourself or in finding someone else who you can actually be with.
It's tough out there .I know ..I've been there. You'll get there but you have to valve yourself more and then other people will too

This is literally crazy and most definitely not a relationship, please don’t fall for this anymore.

Ok he lives in a remote location but presumably as he drives he must go somewhere you can meet or he can drive a different route to not pass the trigger point?? Or most likely it isn’t true and he just gets his kicks talking to multiple online women.

Have you watched Catfish, this is literally the playbook

You are not in a relationship with this person it's just some weirdo you've been chatting to online.

Also it sounds as though he is an arch manipulator.

Get rid asap.

If he wanted to he would. Put it like this, I started chatting to a man who lives 50 miles away on Tuesday this week. We’re meeting today in a town midway between us - thats what men who are keen do.

Stop wasting your time before you end up on a Netflix documentary

You’re arguing with someone you’ve never met? Drop this fool. He’s playing you. Life is too short for this.

It may have been mentioned already but those Facebook groups are in place to try and protect women from the extremely predatory men that walk among us. Men don’t need “to consent” to their photos being shared on there and moderators ensure that malicious uploads don’t happen. Your friend was, understandably, worried about you. I’ve seen so many men on there who have had multiple different women on the go, are riddled with STIs and where prospective partners are urged to run Clare’s Law disclosures on them. What does cause issues is when women let men know that they’ve popped up on there; it can be very dangerous for the people who comment with their experiences, which is why the posts get pulled. I think if you treat people like shit, you don’t deserve to hide behind anonymity.

Anyway, he sounds like someone you should avoid at all costs. Even the red flags have red flags

I see two socially avoidant people. OP has been anxious about leaving the house since lockdown and this bloke has told her of his anxiety regarding driving to her. For now lets assume he's being truthful.....

Most people think this 'relationship' is batshit but from OPs perspective it has value. There's no need for either of them to challenge or face their anxieties and fears. It's a nice safe corner of the internet where they can cos play as a couple. I expect it's better than nothing because a regular relationship would not work for either of them in their current mental states.

Sadly of course, he could be full of shit, stringing her along, just in it for an ego boost, married, a scammer etc. OP is happy to believe his reasons for never meeting up because I don't think she really wants that anyway. No one would hang around waiting for 18 months to meet someone who lives an hour away.

The question as to whether this is a healthy way to conduct a relationship and if indeed even qualifies as a relationship is a different matter. It really isn't anything more than a pen friend. It can't be a relationship if you never meet, kiss, have sex, share a bed and eventually if it works out, share your lives.

I've seen this before when a friend of mine was 'engaged' to someone he'd never met in person. Awful to see him behave as if this was genuine, sending eye watering amounts of money to buy land, build a house etc. and to see him heartbroken when they called off the wedding. He's now done it again and is already clued up on the divorce laws in the country she lives in. Has seen her once in five years and already prepared for divorce at some point. I asked him if it was better than nothing, he said yes, Utterly tragic.

OP would benefit from dealing with her own issues that will enable her to seek out a real life relationship. Settling for this will keep her stuck in digital wonderland.

Consider him a pen-pal. . If you cant, - run

Came to say this

Please stop wasting your time. This is beyond ridiculous. Listen to your friend who is trying to help.

God, no. Just disconnect.

The last thing you and this liar are is ‘strong’!
walk away, he is fooling you and will be in ‘strong’ relationships with numerous women