Dating Thread 56 - Love is in the Air

[BoxOfCats]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I’ll be totally honest I probably would meet him again now I know he’s not relationship material. He’s good company and I’ve been singje a while so he’s someone to pass the time with I think.

Im not fussed though. If I never hear from him again I won’t lose sleep but if he said fancy meeting up, I would

I definitely won’t chase though. I’ll wait and see if he comes to me

I don’t get enough matches for more than one at a time - I lose the will to live on the apps after a few days 😂

I think if you feel like you enjoy his company and are okay with keeping it light then there’s nothing wrong with seeing him again when you want to on your terms.

i know what you mean about the apps … it is tiring x

It is such a rollercoaster at this stage, with both people trying to mind read the other. Maybe go on another date and talk to him about your communication style and what you want, if you do feel like there's anything there at all?

That feels quite long. Mr Soughdough (been seeing him a couple of months met on Hinge) and I do not text in-between dates (I hate texting) but he does at the end of every date suggest the next thing that we will do, "would you like to...?" and then we arrange it in the next few days. Maybe you could say to him that you prefer to plan things sooner as momentum can be lost at your end? How he responds and what he does with that information will be very revealing! You are not a red flag BTW, you are bravely stepping out and finding some joy for yourself that is outside of being a mother. It takes real courage, keep going you deserve some happiness.

I’ve just had a very similar conversation with my mate. I’ve told her the full story plus shown her some of his messages and she can’t see why I had a meltdown!
She did say that I hate it when men are too full on from start and thinks I need to just see how things go and don’t make any snap decisions.

She told me to go on that weekend coz it’s in her hometown and she’ll drop by 😂 I’m out of the country otherwise I might have thought about it.
You’re right it is about working out each others communication style and discussing expectations

I know you had a bit of a rollercoaster start trying to work each other out and it’s all good now.

@Betsy95 I don't know because I met one guy OLD had a disastrous two year relationship and this time around have not got beyond date 2 😁

We had such a rollercoaster and I am glad I did not step in and end it because he is absolutely lovely in person and we really get on, but he has a very different way of being apart than I do - I am more anxiously attached and always worry that he won't come back haha where as he is very secure and I think presumes we will just see each other again. He can go days without talking to me but always organises dates and shows up every time, and is brilliant in person, so I let the communication in-between bother me less now. If you like this man, give it a go... my experience on Bumble and Hinge over the past few years is that there are so few good men, I was prepared to give this one a go and so far so good.

Quick question: I usually see Mr Soughdough once a week. We sleep over at each other's places now, and usually spend half of the next day together too. We have had the exclusivity conversation, in that we have both said we are monogamous and do not multi-date etc. A friend said tonight that once a week is a situationship. I thought a situationship was an agreement to just have sex. I am confused. My toxic ex wanted me to spend so much time with him at first but it evolved into a nightmare. I thought taking it slow at first was a good thing, am I wrong?

@rubberduck68 your friend is talking rubbish. My understanding of a situationship is a non-committed semi casual FWB type thing, normally when one party is refusing to commit.

We're all adults with busy lives, there's no minimum hours quota for a relationship. It's whatever works for you. If you're communicating well and both on the same page it sounds like you're onto a good thing.

I'm a big fan of taking it slow early on. If you start off super intense it often either fizzles out or spirals into something toxic.

@rubberduck68- I’ve had something of a situationship - as they’re called now i think! - it worked out as seeing each other once a week but often less and there were no plans, no planning ahead at all, it was text on the afternoon and just became routine - it was not dating after date 0, date 1. It was all convenience and lack of effort - more on his part to start and then on mine as it ground itself into the dust ha!

Yours is no way a situationship - you are dating exclusively and just taking it slowly - partly because you both have lives I imagine! Partly because it’s new. Partly as you are both adults!

The only thing I’ve noticed over my decades is that guys like their ‘normal’ - their routines, their sense of comfort - so it’s easy to slip into one habit instead of looking to expand it through change. Mr Sourdough just sounds considered and thoughtful though so I’m not sure this would apply.

I don’t know what the kids would call it but I’d call it early relationship or dating days. Don’t worry what friends(?) say - it’s going well and I love to read about it - refreshing.

That’s not a situationship at all, it’s an early dating / relationship. Once a week is fine and depending what else you have going on might be how it is for a while. I have kids at home so I wouldn’t be able to see someone more than once a week initially until I would be sure it’s growing into something more.

Ignore your friend.

I totally disagree with your friend. It’s a new relationship and you’re doing what works for you both.

As we get older, we have a lot more on our lives and we can’t drop everything to see a new person several times every week.

Thanks everyone, feeling so relieved to read this. He has some very close friendship circles who meet on certain days of the week, and I think he is comfortable in his life rhythm, whilst making some time for us. I was enjoying his lack of urgency and love bombing, so I will continue to see it as a good thing. So appreciate the lovely supportive comments. Also for anyone who followed my last update about intimacy, I managed to "get there" by emptying my head of worries about not getting there, so didn't need the chat just yet haha!!

Amazing! That’s a great update. I get far too in my own head about these things and need to learn to empty my head too. In fact, Mr Charismatic was just here and I just had to explain to him that it just takes me a while to learn to relax with a new person. He was quite nice about it and just said “Practice makes perfect,,, now we have an excuse to practice!”

@rubberduck68 I agree a situationship is different, it’s where one party or both doesn’t want to commit. If you’re still only seeing each other once a week with no commitment or blending lives nearly 2 years later then that’s probably when you should worry, or leave like I did. In the early days this is fine and to be expected. You both have lives and other commitments.

I’ve suddenly had a surge of likes on Hinge and a few conversations that seem interesting. Not sure if it’s just men who have no bank holiday plans as this is a theme I’ve noticed before. The front runner is very attractive but newly single since last year so I’m going to be a little cautious to hopefully avoid being a rebound. He’s not done enough to warrant a name yet…

Thank you, and I love the "practice makes perfect" response... he met you right there with affection and humour this is a big green flag!

Thanks, yes we are early days and I don't want to wade in and put pressure on something that in person is really quite lovely for now. Re. Hinge surge: Shall we just call him "the man with no name"?!!

How do you approach deciding whether to swipe someone or not? I mean obviously I read their info and look at their pictures, but for me I can’t always tell how attracted to them I am or not by a few photos…. I mean if I’m absolutely zero attracted I don’t swipe but maybe if I’m 70% then I would?

Funnily enough I find the extremely attractive or extremely posed / professional photos a bit of a turn off.

That actually is a green flag, isn’t it? He really surprised me last night actually. It’s usually 2-3 weeks in between seeing each other, we saw each other last weekend so I was quite surprised that he wanted to see me last night. He couldn’t stay the night as my mum is arriving first thing in the morning, but he messaged me when he got home to wish me goodnight. It does feel like things are moving forward, just slowly.

If they have a bio, don't smoke, don't have any red flags, look normal swipe right.
Otherwise I block.

Red flags can also be in pics, e.g bed photos

I agree

No bed photos, and no one who is shirtless … I don’t want to date someone who can’t put clothes on 😂

Is it bad that I find it sweet that Mr Bishop is messaging from a night out?

Not at all… I’d definitely take it as a sign that he’s keen!

No… I love this
means he’s interested and open

No! I love this. Means you're on his mind even when he's busy with friends.

As long as it's not a drunken booty call I think it's a good sign!