Dating Thread 56 - Love is in the Air

[BoxOfCats]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@MsJinks I don't care what he says really. This is not what I want for myself (he went quiet after the first date too). I need someone consistent.

@Betsy95 I could do that but my instinct says he's done, for whatever reason 🙂

I think TitLady and Analman could be alternative superheroes.

I havent had any women send me offensive messages or anything, for me it would just be nice to just have normal conversations and not " yeh, u ok" replies.

Is it a regional thing? I live in Newcastle upon Tyne, are women better in other parts of the country i wonder. It is like getting blood out of a stone in a way.

Do you think a lot of people generally just lack awareness, that they are not asking questions and hence killing a conversation?

@ForRedShark depending on your dating app, the standard of education and social/emotional literacy...spans a wide range...so some people probably just don't twig.

@Nosdacariad yeah it just makes me think as to what to do. I dont want to endlessly keep going through this as its demoralising when none of them lead to dates, due to poor conversation.

Do you just keep going, or try other ways besides the apps?

Some people have breaks when it gets too much.

I don't think it's wise to put all of one's proverbial eggs in one basket.

I suppose it depends on the level of motivation to date/hookup/find a partner.

@ForRedShark- I’ve been told a couple of times it’s refreshing to get decent messages - I’m in Yorkshire- but it’s not a regional thing - much as I’d like to say of course ladies from God’s county would converse better lol.

I say a couple of times - but this is out of I don’t even know how many ‘statement convos’ ‘Hi, you ok?’ ones - and just ick ones.

I do think it’s a sign of the times as I first used OLD around mid 00s and it seemed to have better conversations generally and better meet ups - though I sometimes thought it was a bit of a gutter - in around 2014 it was a deep gutter - and today, well to steal another phrase, ‘who knew rock bottom had a basement’!

I guess it’s more difficult when you’re keen on getting somewhere - it’s just depressing and disappointing- so maybe limit your time and set expectations pretty low? Like check at a certain time like if you check here or other sites and then leave it till next time you occasionally check - don’t go back every time you get a notification- in fact turn them off - save all the messages in/out for just a one shot a day or every few days - people will still be there.

It sounds contrary that I even use it as I’m not that bothered about a relationship any more but this approach has worked ok for me - on/off - no investment at all in the messages - they are just that until date time.

A break can be good as well. You will get there though - and this is a great place for advice and commiseration and those good stories too.

@MsJinks thank you, that makes a lot of sense

Definitely block.

With a huge capital A ad T on their Lycra catsuits

I don’t think it’s a regional thing., I’m Essex/Herts border and my area covers North/East London and the twat vs decent ratio is about 50-1 and that’s being generous

@TwistedWonder both of those posts are Fab u lous!

I’ve been out for cocktails for friends birthday so I’m a bit tipsy 😂🤩

You’re on fire anyhow lol! Hope you had fun 🍸

I’m on the other side of the globe and it’s the same here…!

We’re getting quite the evidence together for a dating manual:

Global twat ratio 50:1
Earlier in no. of dates had = the better
Variance across dating sites: minimal

Probability of getting a decent relationship- ?

I'm gonna add to that - number of men wearing a Tom Baker Dr Who scarf in pics TWO! Just saw another in addition to MrX 🧣

Can we add the type I experienced last night to the dating manual?! We matched, much better than average chat throughout the evening, quite flirty, he suggested a date, I said I would be up for it and that I would be keen to chat more another day (as it was getting late). I thought that even though I wasn't super keen on him looks wise, I had managed to find a non twat and he seemed very keen on me. I went to send him a message this morning and he has unmatched! It only takes 30 seconds to say "actually I have given this a bit more thought, I don't see this working out but wish you the best of luck". I can see why people get so bitter about the whole thing, which is a real shame...

Though it doesn’t feel great when that happens I don’t have a problem with people unmatching without explanation, depending on the circumstances. I think it’s rude if you’ve actually been on a date but if you’ve just had a few exchanges I think it’s acceptable. Sometimes if you message to say it’s not going to work, people don’t take it well and send a nasty message back, so it avoids all that.

Sorry, it is shitty when it feels like you’ve got a rapport with someone and it happens though.

I agree. I think before you’ve met than no explanation is required. I unmatch when I'm
mot feeling it.

When I first started OLD I used to be polite and give explanations and I received either torrents of abuse or begging to change my mind so it is far less grief just to unmatch imo.

Once you’ve met its different

@mumobsessedwithdamp I'm sorry. I think it's rude. I would not do it after agreeing to meet xxx

That's a good perspective to have, thanks for sharing, and I do get you, I just find it quite confusing. I think I need to develop thicker skin, which I hope will come in time!

Good to hear your perspective, I hadn't thought about the potential shitty messages. I am brand new to all this and starting to learn what is okay vs what is not okay - and this is clearly something which is acceptable which I need to get used to.

It does rather dampen my initial enthusiasm though. I find it hard work to be vulnerable and flirty and interesting if I have in the back of my mind they could just drop off the face of the earth at any point. But that's the deal with OLD! I think treating it like a job is a good way to handle it: check messages, reply, match, log off. And do all while investing as little of yourself as possible!

Ah - I’m sorry - it’s a real disappointment I know. Trick is just to view messages as some sort of just words/a story on the page - not get hopeful - easier said than done.

I do often just leave messages when it’s not for me - as a PP said you can get some not so normal responses - but I’ve got around to this approach over time. And I’ve been left many times - that’s ok - I never follow up any more - but I’ve developed my lines over some time.

And tbf Mr Not for Me has sent a couple of messages after I’d decided no more, so I went back on that and just said I’d got a 2nd date and whilst fine to date several, personally I can’t juggle this stuff in my brain so won’t be meeting up - I wasn’t previously sure it was an actual suggestion tbh just a throwaway remark I’d not even picked up on - but the messaging had been ok enough so I was polite - ill feedback if he responds - fill up that dating manual ha!

Best of luck either way it all - this thread is super helpful and supportive for all aspects of OLD - wish I’d joined years ago!

I think your dismay at the general vibe is why people end up just matching effort rather than putting tons of effort in at first. Then we end up with the statement "conversations" we were talking about yesterday.

Is it a race to the bottom? (No Analman jokes).

What do you all think when something just feels flat? After my date with Mr Singer I can’t honestly say I’d be excited to see him again, I sent a message after the date saying thanks for a lovely evening and his response was “likewise, could’ve chatted all night”. Then we had a brief chat over messages yesterday that was predominantly about him wanting to buy more trainers and how his responses were delayed because he’s online shopping for them.

We should’ve been a good match based on values etc, but I’m feeling zero chemistry and just a bit meh.