Dating Thread 56 - Love is in the Air

[BoxOfCats]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I’ve had a bit of a flat week with the OLD. Matched with a few guys and have got a grunt out of a couple, immediate attempts at sexting out of others and dry chat from some others.

One decent man out of the lot and the chat was going back and forth, some flirting and banter, enjoying it so far. He ticked a lot of my initial boxes. Seemed engaged, asked questions etc. Then today we were talking about swimming (of all things!) And he mentioned how a photo on his profile of him swimming was actually from a photo shoot.

I playfully said “oh no…. I thought that was an actual shot of you swimming the Channel” (genuinely did, or along those lines!)

And he responded with “Woah! What’s wrong with having that photo there? I do triathlon and I wasn’t just picked randomly to turn up and model a wet suit”.

I was so taken aback by this. My reply was “My mistake 🤐”.

He replied “Yep!!! Definitely 🧐”.

Ive left him on read on WhatsApp and will delete him tomorrow. Noticed earlier that it said “typing” and seemed to go on for ages but nothing has come through. Probably thought about sending another condescending rant but thought better of it. Dick head! 😂

@bluedabadeedabadoo that is so nice to read! I think when it’s just right all the anxieties and uncertainties melt away and this is how an early relationship should be. I’m really pleased for you!

@BoxOfCats gah, that must’ve stung a bit to see it in black and white even if you’re not exclusive. Definitely keep the glasses!

@empirebiscuits12 sounds like a real snowflake! What a silly thing to get riled about. I’ve had experiences like this where after a normal conversation someone gets shitty after an innocuous comment. Block and move on!

@empirebiscuits12 good you saw that early x

@BoxOfCats Mr C getting the boot then?

Haha, definitely keeping them!

@NosdacariadSo another woman replied and said she dated him a couple of months ago (must’ve been around the time I reconnected with him), thought he was lovely but didn’t take it further as she didn’t feel a romantic spark. Sounds like he’s definitely still in touch with the original poster though, as she knew he’d moved house this week. But two in total he’s seen while we’ve been seeing each other.

I am mulling things over. I’m disappointed but then also know it’s a double standard given I’m also seeing other people. I had genuinely hoped it was going somewhere, and gave him the benefit of the doubt by giving him a second chance. He has never overpromised anything, but nor was he explicit in saying he only wanted a friends with benefits type of arrangement either, while I was clear I wanted a relationship but happy to take things slowly.

Now I’m feeling a bit like an option which isn’t nice. I’m 90% sure I’ll end it but I do want to hear what he has to say. I won’t tell him I know he’s seeing other women as I think that would be too confrontational, but I will make it clear it’s time for us to be up front with one another.

Hi - so all of a sudden I ended up with a date last night with Mr Tree. It was a great night - I am 60 but it’s rare I’ve dated just a genuinely nice, smiley guy who was fun as well. Very refreshing - I’m seeing him tomorrow again (afaik) but he definitely raised the bar on my expectations of dates - it was very easy, natural and fun too.

On OLD my date/2nd date that wasn’t for me messages still saying to get in touch, don’t forget etc etc - I think maybe I’m not blunt enough, which I term rude - I was told men need to be told stuff very clearly so not ‘oh I’m busy’ or more to the point ‘it’s not really for me’ but a straightforward ‘no I won’t be getting in touch’ - I’ve not got to that rude reply yet as he is a nice man.

I don’t think I mentioned one I started messaging- great messages, fun. He started asking what I wanted so I gave my I’ve no definitive but blah blah - he messaged back on similar lines but did include he wanted regular companionship and sex - I just sorta think sex is more or less a given expectation to some extent in a relationship so it didn’t need specifying - I do think guys worry their sex lives will end up like they did previously- ie probably less than twice a day ha!

Anyway, also mentioned I do go to some SUTR stuff - it upsets some people so best get it in there - so that’s all good with him and he’d be very happy to debate my views with me - got the impression he thought I may be a bit dumb - and essentially managed to tell me he’s what I would consider a bit of a racist without actually saying he was.

He’s off my chat list - which works for me, as it makes it easier in my head to see how Mr Tree goes - I’m not good at juggling dates though I think it’s fine to do so and have no expectations of Mr Tree not dating others - it will all come out in the wash I think - I’m so not that fussed re a relationship the anxiety isn’t there - which is a bonus though unusual.

Anyway - never expected to get one date on PoF - never had one in my life from there in the different times I’ve been on - 2 months, 2 dates - and I’m very much a not try person - never message first, long list of ‘not for me’ - so it’s been a surprise and I think a nice one so far.

Oh lovely, just had a first message setting me a test 😅
🔥

@BoxOfCats- I think some people (mainly men imo) see OLD as a sweet shop and are a bit childlike in thinking ‘ooh I wanted those sweets but that jar next to them might be better’ - I’m not saying this is your one but it happens. Though it sounds like he has ideas of dating but doesn’t follow through much - maybe he’s overwhelmed with the amount of ladies - is he really hot? Hope you resolve it at some point - or not if that works better.

@empirebiscuits12- some guys are so touchy - I tend to think I’m funny (I’m probably not ha!) but make jokes about myself too so they should know it’s just my way - but they can be very sensitive about their prowess - triathlon for your fella - but I’m told you can never, ever praise a man too much about his driving, football or sexual ability - I have tested this in the last - in text as I wouldn’t keep a straight face - and it held true in those cases! Years ago a guy was messaging laying out (pre any date) that he didn’t necessarily want a full on relationship and at least to start it would be meetings for nice things and mutual needs really, so don’t get hopes up too soon - so I was like ‘omg and I’d started planning the wedding’ - he thought I was a psycho 🙈🤣 - he wouldn’t believe it was a joke - some really believe we want to hunt them down and trap their amazing selves - bless!

@bluedabadeedabadoo- lovely to read - keep us updated - and love your user name, I heard this record so often when my eldest kids were teens - maybe happier in memory than at the time lol.

Wow - what you got to do?

Yes I did wonder I this sort of mentality might be at play.
And yes, he’s quite attractive. Very fit, high earner, very charming. I sure know how to pick ‘em! 😩😂

All that’s like so good - till it isn’t because they know it!

When younger I had a few rubbish relationships- then was quite pleased with a guy I started seeing - thought I’d finally cracked moving my fellas up a gear - obviously he knew his plus points and shared his benevolence far and wide - actually he wasn’t technically good looking, but a real charmer.

His mate told me once that when (not) my guy met women 3 things would be said in the first conversation - own business, own lovely home, single parent who’d lost his partner sadly - it had seemed so natural too! Made me wary of people who had ever been good at sales lol.

What's SUTR? And if MrX managed sex even twice a week he wouldn't be in the bin.

Also I had to give Churchill's middle name. Well he had two so...

Novel - bet he thinks he’s so ‘different and edgy’ ha - I’m always too cynical though. So did you set him a test back?

Oh that’s a shame about Mr X - works all ways - I’m no prude either and think these can be valuable conversations- it’s just I wouldn’t think to put it randomly on a list of hopes, without any other context, as it’s a bit of a given that’s on the agenda? Maybe at my age they’re worried I shut up shop though so need to check ha!

SUTR is Stand upto Racism - for me it’s fairly recent activity for my own reasons of concern that I want to feel useful and have some hands on activity in some areas of their work - but we’re all fun and friendly too so that’s good - for me again it’s based on ‘love not hate’ for the future (I appreciate how nauseating that makes me sound!)

I would have up until recently thought it’s fairly normal thinking of mine, not wildly unusual to not like violent racism, and I’m not political or affiliated with any party or shouty about my opinions, so for most of my life it’s been not an issue that I’m a bit left of centre whatever the other person may be, maybe a bit of debate or ‘banter’! - it now very much can be an issue that I’m not in agreement of setting fire to hotels apparently for some folk - so I’ve learned to get it out there. Sometimes in conversation naturally eg/ I went to a Together march and sometimes laying it out directly.

I didn’t realise how much shared values counted in my first relationships - I do now - but I also wouldn’t have thought it essential to be on entirely the same page politically as long as one wasn’t a neo Nazi and the other a communist - so I think the bipartisan stuff we are now in so deeply is a shame too / though weeds out the opposing values as well I think.

It’s not an easy navigation this OLD is it - learning curve I guess - if we wanted that!

@MsJinks Completely agree that shared values are so important. There are a few things I feel very strongly about and I weaved them into my first date with Mr Teacher. One of them is a subject he leads on, connected to my profession (not his main subject) so it was good to hear we we’re aligned.
I cancelled the date with Mr Supermarket and it turns out that he was going to reschedule anyway as he has his DC’s and he’s not free again for far too long (he offered this, I didn’t ask). So that’s done and I wished him well.
So since we’re now exclusive, let’s hope today’s date with Mr T goes well.

@Brightbluesomething- ooh that sounds promising with Mr Teacher. Have you had an exclusive chat? Or is it just how it’s fallen at the minute?

I find the chats quite awkward tbh - I just tend to sort of expect sexual monogamy if it gets to that / but it’s not realistic or practical I know. I mean they’ll also assuming whatever they’re assuming too and may be on a completely different book not just page and without checking how can either know. Worst is of course the fibbers but you can’t legislate for everyone- I think you’d know too if Mr T tended in that direction.

Glad some of the important values are in the bag - keep us updated.

@MsJinks He asked me on our last date and wanted to come off OLD. He deleted his profile in front of me later that evening.
I was a bit taken aback as no one has ever been this explicit about exclusivity before. I usually only agree to future dates with one person at a time and once we’ve DTD I’m not going to be looking elsewhere.
He said he wanted to invest time in seeing where this goes and wanted us to be on the same page.
We haven’t DTD yet (but it’s imminent) and it’s such an important part of a relationship. Part of me wants to wait for compatibility there. If it’s awful I’ll know very soon. But if not I have no issue with exclusivity.

Oh that’s fabulous- he was so clear about it and straightforward. Would all things be so straightforward.

Oosh it’s going well - that’s so lovely - it’s nicer to have this sorted pre DTD I think - I think it makes it less worrisome for part of it.l at least.

I’ve rarely binned anyone for a poor start to our sex lives and generally it gets better - at first at least! But I have had one I just couldn’t see again and others it was just never that great for anyone, though fizzled out on other grounds so not years of putting up with that. However, I am now in a different ballpark with fellas around 60 to how it’s been on previous dating appearances, last venture into new territory was over 10 years ago - but I’ve not proceeded (to date) to see how that may turn out.

I think you’re pretty much ok by now - you have the attraction so it would be unusual to be catastrophic - but my fingers are crossed for you it continues well.

How lovely for you. Out of curiousity, and this is totally an unscientific poll, is Mr Tree new to dating and therefore unjaded? My better dates have been with men newly single as they just seem more open to honesty.

Thanks for the explanation and I agree.

Mr Test got blocked, I'm too old to waste time on that shit first message. I didn't like the sneery tone.

Regarding values, yep I had to chuck an otherwise attractive prospect back after he revealed himself to be a Farage-supporting homophobe.

Have you agreed that with him now?

@MsJinks I'm dating around the same age range and there's the prospect of ED to consider which I'd never thought about before.

@Nosdacariad I think so. I’m happy to delete OLD after cancelling with Mr Supermarket and there are no further irons. Mr T is the last man standing from my Hinge surge. If he’s the only person I’m seeing or talking to we may as well be exclusive. With the huge caveat that only if we’re compatible when it gets physical. He’s younger than me, so a couple of years off mid 40’s so I hope everything works!

Haha…. nothing like a man who knows his value! 😂

Fortunately I know my value too. And I think I can do better… 🙂

I had a date with Mr Singer last night and it was lovely, easy conversation and we were there 5 hours. He did ask me to meet him again on Monday before the date ended but hasn’t confirmed the time / place yet.

So we shall see, he has been consistent in his communication with a quick check in most days, but I find him quite hard to read and I wouldn’t say there’s instant chemistry although we had a brief kiss.
May be a slow burn.

Hi, ive lurked a little while and I wanted to add my experience. Im a man, 51, and recently ventured back into OLD after a year away.

This time around, I cannot believe how bad the apps are. I get some matches, and the women either do not reply, or reply with two word answers such as " Yeh ok, u?", and they dont ask me any questions, so i am left to carry the conversation alone ( which I dont want to do).

Have I missed something? I dont recall the apps ever being this bad. What is it like from the womens side ie your side, are you finding this with men from apps as well?

I just want normal conversations, but all im getting is " Yeh, u ok"