Dating Thread 56 - Love is in the Air

[BoxOfCats]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Because my childcare arrangements changed

@rubberduck68 I do think it's quite rude to ignore a question. When are you next seeing him in person?

Bloody Mr S is taking the whole thread on an emotional rollercoaster! Most of the time he seems so so lovely and yet he still does all these things that make you anxious. It seems like he's normally wonderful and reassuring when you're together but maybe isn't great at keeping in touch between dates?

It could be that he's cooled off, he could be busy or just crap at keeping in touch on the phone.

If you're quite an anxious person and need regular reassurance and he isn't matching that it could be that your relationship/communication styles just don't line up. It could be the case that you're two lovely people who like each other but aren't quite compatible.

This last paragraph hits the nail in the head of what I was trying to say in my last message @rubberduck68 . If the communication is making you feel anxious, and if you don’t feel safe enough to have a conversation about it properly - or you have the conversation next time you see him and still don’t feel stabilised/safe, then I think sadly you aren’t right for each other. It’s potentially not a case of either side doing much majorly wrong, just different people. You need to find someone who makes you feel safe and secure early on, and this many months in (honestly, I’d say by date 4 with the right person! And not via love bombing) you should be able to have that.

But yes he should be texting back - you may well get a phonecall tonight though and he will be oblivious to the fact you’d been anxiously waiting. He sounds generally just shit with his phone - I’m like that to friends 😅. But not partners!

@rubberduck68 this guy doesnt make you feel safe and comfortable when you are apart. Agree with others he isnt the one for you. Its not his fault, hes not a bad guy, its not your fault either. But somewhere in the "dont message me a lot because of my past relationship history" you have lost yourself (and possibly confused him).

It is better (but not at all easy) to start a new relationship on a blank slate - i totally understand how we carry trauma and anxiety and past issues into relationships, you would honestly not believe my story, so I do appreciate that what im saying is not easy, but in order for my relationship to flourish I had to make my brain absolutely understand that my DP is not my ex and not treat him as if he is. I have let him be totally himself in the relationship, communicate how he wishes to, lead and act as he sees fit, from day 1.

Yes I have had to mentally put in a lot of graft myself and still am to get over my trauma, and he knows all of this and is supportive but at no point have I asked him to do or not do something because of what happened with my ex.

He is either right for me as he is, or it wont work.

I really feel for you as I know what anxious attachment is, and am SUCH an overthinker, and whilst as I say I do my own work on myself continously, as no point during the early stages did my DP make me feel like you are.

He was consistent, made me feel safe and secure from day 1, always called when he said he was, or if late with work then would message or voice note. He never left me hanging or wondering, I have never doubted in 16 months that I am anything but his number 1 priority in his life. If he wasnt able to give me this we would not have progressed.

Big hugs xxx

Hello all, would you welcome a newcomer to the dating scene? I have started dating again after my marriage fell apart 12 months ago. I am 32 so still pretty young but was in the process of TTC and we had been together since 19 so I am very new to the modern dating world.

I love the list of rules! I have had a few disastrous dates and now have a guy who I have been on a few dates with, got my hopes up and it suddenly seems to have dried up. Always a good reminder not the blame myself.

Welcome @123tea 😁

@rubberduck68 I didn't realise Sunday weddings were a thing.
I do remember that a while back neither we nor your DB loved Mr Sourdough for you.

Just seen a dating profile with a photo of him laying in a hospital bed - just why? 🤷‍♀️

Honesty?! Putting it out there he wants looking after - by nurses 🤢

Yeah I don’t think I’m ready for dating
I put up a profile just for friendship and I’ve put that I like charity shops and a guy asked me what my best find was and I couldn’t think of an answer so I just dodged the question , only for him to ask it again and I thought nah I can’t be arsed with this 😂
every time I think I want to try again my mind’s just like ‘no , can’t be bothered with this shit again ‘

Rubber Duck.. this Sourbread man is playing you. No wedding finishes mid morning. Ring this man up, tell him you want a relationship and give him 24 hrs to speak communicatively to you. I’m sick of men treating women like hookers. And reading about women who are upset and miserable.

@rubberduck68 - I agree with PP. You and Mr S are just not compatible. After 2 months you’re driving yourself mad trying to work him out. I guarantee he’s not giving you the headspace you’re giving him.

Tbh it sounds like he’s happy with a once a week casual set up with no real commitment whereas you want and need something with more depth.

Neither of you are wrong - you just don’t fit and this is clearly triggering your anxiety.

@rubberduck68i agree with the others . It’s going to drive you nuts. What I loved about Mr Pervert is that I was never in any doubt he was very much into me and wanted a relationship. Usually I’d be the same as you but I never questioned it with him. I mean shame I clearly wasn’t the only one but that’s beside the point .

I phoned him last night and had a big conversation. I said that I want a relationship not a hook up once a week, and I want consistency inbetween. There was a looooooooooong silence, and then he started apologising and seemed mortified that I was feeling like this. He had no idea. I said that I couldn't speak for what he was feeling, only what I am, and that right now I feel like an afterthought. We talked for two hours and by the time we left the call we agreed to meet in person when he gets back, and he has said he will WhatsApp as he is away tomorrow. I'd rather have had this conversation in person, but as he's away that isn't possible. We will see. I feel that I shouldn't have to point this stuff out, really....

It’s very positive and a great step that you spoke to him properly, rather than ruminating further in your head. I’m not surprised at all to hear he didn’t have a clue something was wrong. See how it pans out while he’s away, and if all seems ok once he is back, as I said before, I suggest you focus your next date on a proper sober deep chat and take it from there. If you’re still anxious after that, then as PPs have all said, best to step away.

Well done @rubberduck68 for grasping the 🌿nettle

@rubberduck68 Great that you did that! Well done. Did he really have no idea…? It sounds positive if you were able to have a constructive conversation about it at least, and that he sounds like he’s open to trying to resolve it.

Just seen my friends ex fiancé on FB dating and one of his photos is cuddling her with a 😈 over her face

Grim

Well done you 👏
How are you feeling now?

TwistedWonder There used to be a man who kept popping up on Bumble, with his arm round a woman, nicely dressed like at a wedding or something, but on her face he'd put a fist. The first time I saw it I had to zoom in as I couldn't work it out, but out of all of the emojis etc that you could choose to cover a face with, he chose that!

rubberduck68 I'm glad that you had the conversation.

What an a hole.

If I see photos like that I block.

No idea!

I feel better, and I feel that if it doesn’t work out, I at least tried my very best, which I wasn’t really doing before because I wasn’t speaking up…

She’s best rid of that idiot.

Mr T is starting to annoy me. He’s texting me constantly. It’s far too much. He was phoning me at work at the start of the week and I had to tell him I can’t answer during work to stop him.
He told me on date 1 that he’s a big texter but I had no idea it would be this much. I know he’s keen but it’s a lot. I’ve had two through whilst writing this.
It’s date 3 tomorrow and he’s lovely in person but I can’t cope with this amount of messaging when I’m busy doing other things. I’m going to have to ask him to calm down a bit. Not sure it’ll work.
Mr Supermarket seems to have a life and messages reasonably. He’s looking more attractive now and still keen to meet on Saturday. I don’t feel bad about meeting him after a 3rd date now.

Sorry Rubberduck, hopefully he’s able to meet your communication needs.

My Mr Kardashian has planned date 2 at a very posh restaurant at a location between the two of us (we live an hour apart). He’s a great chatter in the evenings and so far so good 😁