Dating Thread 56 - Love is in the Air

[BoxOfCats]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Does anyone have any views on safe sex...how to negotiate it...I mean condoms obv, but someone said they had got his n hers STI checks?

If it was me i would end it to heal myself. If its meant to be with this guy, you'll find your way back to each other. If not the right one is out there. X

@Cambridgedropout how was the relationship with your ex? If it was quite volatile then you might need some time to get used to something more stable? I was really conscious of this as my ex blew hot and cold constantly and there was a strong connection but he didn’t behave well.
Being consistent and stable isn’t a bad thing. You could just be self sabotaging.

This is what I’m worried about it.

The spark with my ex was amazing but he was avoidant and although he tried hard to overcome this he was inconsistent and eventually he ended it as he knew he wasn’t giving me what I needed. He was a very good person but troubled.

So I’m worried that I’m subconsciously sabotaging something consistent and steady because the spark isn’t there.

@rubberduck68 if this is his stall, then fair play. That isnt low effort at all. If his actions match his words and you enjoy his efforts then it sounds all good :)

Could have done with that info before you asked if home dates over going out were low effort 😉

The phonecall thing tho still erks me!

The oral - i guess some people dont like it 🤷‍♀️ but I find it a bit cheeky hes happy to recieve and not give.....what are his reasons for not doing it. Are you able to communicate to him that its important to you and you need it/want it?

Nothing worse than a selfish lover!

So I matched with a guy a few weeks ago, Mr Chopsticks, and had a few exchanges which seemed promising. He then had to go overseas to deal with some family stuff and left a voice note explaining and it did sound genuine. He also had a lovely voice! He said let’s catch up when I’m back but he’s been back a week now and hasn’t been in touch. In that time though I have paused my bumble account a couple of times.

From the photos and what I know of him, I do find him attractive so should I message him with a ‘hey I’ve been taking some time out but I’m back’ type message? Or should I just leave it as he hasn’t messaged me?

I have bugger all other irons as just unmatched a couple that were too low effort.

@Cambridgedropout im in the same situation myself though finding it hard to be interested in anyone after my ex. Its tough when things have ended for something not truly awful say with cheating/abuse because its hard drawing that line. What im trying to do is ask myself, would I want my kids to stop their lives for ages, because of an ex! Its a resounding no. So i think you should keep going with Mr Persistent. Stability and calmness might just be something you need right now.

@rubberduck68 Mr Sourdough does sound a bit like he compartmentalises you however you want more reassurance. I think if you want to go out, then make it happen/plan dates.

Re : oral, personally it would put me off them if im honest. I prefer someone who is up for anything because I would feel self conscious if there was an element they disliked doing with me. An ex said to me that even stuff he wasn't into in the past, he just enjoyed because it was me. That's the kind of thing I want. Like youre so encompassed in that person that you'll do anything to give them pleasure.

@Polly1979 you have nothing to lose 😁

@rubberduck68 if you’re trying to play cool girl and not ask the relationship questions, then he also might be finding it hard to read you. Honestly, he sounds like a nice guy who puts in effort (he clearly isn’t forgetful if he is cooking a special recipe he remembered you talking about), who calls you (so many men wouldn’t do a phone call!) and has consistently wanted to see you. The oral thing could have many explanations - you need to just ask him or just initiate it. Remember nobody is perfect, so this man will have his “flaws”, but you need to decide whether an issue is just a flaw or an actual problem.

Overall, as I said, I think you need to have an honest conversation with him, as it sounds to me like you aren’t showing your true self to him, as you’re holding back your needs and questions, which shouldn’t be the case after a few months in adults, and that is creating your anxiety. If you cant have that discussion, then I think he maybe might just not be the man for you, as your energies might just not match unless you sort out the communication thing. Very kindly, I think you also might want to consider therapy or reading material about how you approach relationships/overthinking, as a lot of this reads like self-sabotaging. It reads a lot to me like you’ve been hurt hard in the past, so you are internally protecting yourself - I understand that 100% - but it requires you then to relearn how to open yourself up to both love and the risk of being hurt without this deep fear.

also your friend gives terrible advice!!

I’m 6 months into the breakup now and if anything I’m more angry now than at the start so I’d say I’m not over it. But it’s not about missing him or wanting him back. I’m pissed off at the time I wasted on him and pissed off I never got the truth . Pissed off I now don’t have the same free time I did when I first met him .
I have 2 choices, try again and meet strangers from scratch or decide I’m done and I’ll be alone now . Neither are appealing to me .

It will depend entirely on how much time has passed and how much work you did during this time to explore your own patterns and what led you to being in a relationship with an avoidant to begin with.
I tried dating maybe six months after the breakup and just couldn't find it in me. At 8 months I was dating someone who seemed absolutely wonderful but something in my head wasn't adding up. There were a few little niggles which were causing me anxiety. The spark was off the charts but my nervous system wasn't settling. It took me a couple of months to realise that he was giving me the same vibes as my ex. Luckily, he decided that he wasn't emotionally available for dating either and we should not to waste each-other's time.
Three days later I met Mr Poet. He is kind, thoughtful, consistent, safe. The spark was entirely missing but I was ready to give it a go. We've now been dating just short of three months and we grow closer every day and I feel very lucky to have met him.
But this took months of self-reflection, therapy and learning that "butterflies" are often a sign of anxiety not someone being "the one". My advice would be to spend a little more time alone. If nothing else, it is unfair to date someone when you are still pining after another person.

Aww Daniel seems nice 🤦‍♀️

Aww - what a lovely guy thinking of compliments straight away 🙈

I don’t know why we think we want these messages - I don’t wonder how well they work as surely they’d learn on a 100% no response/rude response?

I have decided not to continue with Mr Artist. He was lovely but there was a pace mismatch, he asked me about booking a holiday in summer (we’ve been on one date)

I am a little torn with my decision as he’s genuinely kind and really good at planning, but I felt a bit overwhelmed.

Yeah, amazing bloke!

But what possessed you to swipe on him to being with? A cookie-cutter motivational phrase and a passive-aggressive "I trust everyone once" would have been an immediate no for me.

You don’t have to swipe on them for them to comment on your photos on fb dating
I’ve had all sorts of cringe shit comments

Oh, I didn't realise it was FB dating. Bloody grim that they can do it without "matching".

I didn’t swipe on him. He commented on my photo meaning the message comes through even if we haven’t matched

Yep I’ve also just had ‘u look nawty’

I don’t swipe on anyone nowadays, just leave my profile open and look at who’s messaged me

"Hope you enjoyed reading" 😂

No Daniel, no I did not.

@Cambridgedropout it's really hard to know what to do in that situation. How long has Mr P been on the scene? Are you exclusive?

On the one hand I'd say you've got to move forward to stop dwelling on the past but on the other hand if you're still caught up on someone else you're not in the best position to give a new relationship your best shot. It sounds like you and Mr P are pretty established, so if you're still thinking about the ex it's not a great sign.

I went on the apps a few months ago to try and help me get over someone. It didn't work, I felt like I was negatively comparing every man I met against him and it wasn't fair on me or them. But then I've been off the apps for a good few months and I'm no closer to getting over him so I don't know the answer either!

Yes you can order them online through your local healthcare provider, you do the test at home and post it back, and get the results on your phone. Mr Soughdough did it without asking, and I did it too.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard to get over an ex. Do you think that perhaps you have put them on a bit of a pedestal, in that you are just remembering the good things about them. Have you written the list of negatives and put it in your phone notes so you can pull it out and read it, maybe in Mr Persistent's bathroom after a wobble?! I had this for a while, but it was because my ex was toxic and they are the worst to extract yourself from as they get in your head. Failing that, therapy if you can afford it?

Why don't you have the free time you had?

Well I've been on Chat GTP asking for relationship advice so I consider that a new low. Mr Soughdough was not at the wedding all of Sunday, he left late morning and I messaged him in the afternoon asking him a question and he still has not replied. I feel like crap. I think although I am anxiously attached sometimes, that is on any dating landscape just a bit rude, off, wrong? He's defo faded this week, been less consistent etc. I'm not double texting, no way.