Dating Thread 56 - Love is in the Air

[BoxOfCats]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I’d personally take the more direct route of just telling him exactly what you want him to do to you next time you’re in the bedroom together and see how he reacts.

Not much to update here, I’ve been super busy with life as has Mr Charismatic who was packing to move his house this weekend. He did at least message me last night that he was looking forward to having me over in his new place, although in typical fashion has given no indication of when this might be 😂 Now that I know this is just how he operates though it’s not really bothering me.

Mr Nomad will be visiting for the weekend in 2 weeks time. I think after that point I really need to decide if I keep seeing one or either of these men. It’s just hard as Mr N is actually so supportive and wonderful, just too far away. And is now talking about buying an apartment in a city 2 hours flight away.

I also matched with Mr Starship on Bumble and he chat is going well so far, but I’m wondering if should even be seeing anyone else at this point!

I'm impressed if you have time 🕑

My date went really well, I smiled the whole way home. No kissing or anything but he was really lovely and respectful. He said he was awfully nervous but he came across quite confident. Fingers crossed for this one. I’ll call him Mr Kardashian.

Mr Teacher sounds like an option, but good to keep your options open if you're not quite sure. I hope Mr supermarket is a good rival for Mr Teacher - good kissers are hard to find so good luck Mr Supermarket!!

I will talk to him. I've been waiting five hours on my most recent text so not holding out much hope!

I agree

this friend doesn’t sound very supportive and seems to keep dropping in ideas that are sowing seeds of doubt.

I think some men do and some men don’t.

Haha well I don’t really! Although Mr Charismatic I see only every 2 weeks on average, we are both as busy as each other. Mr Nomad I chat to daily but he’s hours away so we obviously don’t spend much time together.

@rubberduck68- it’s a shame you’re so anxious when a lot of it appears to be going well. Sometimes anxiety is showing us that something isn’t actually quite right - sometimes it is just about ourselves and wanting to know ‘what’s next’ sort of thing.

Re him not calling - I feel he’s quite compartmentalised as a person - you have his full attention when you’re there but equally this wedding will have his full attention whilst he’s there - plus I think I said before I think maybe he needs his mental space - I’d really not want a conversation within the wedding stuff but then may think it’s rude to text that - so not sure what I’d actually do. I’m thinking he may feel it wasn’t set in stone or something? He seems quite considered generally, quite specific - maybe - I know people who would behave exactly this way and no intent to make the other anxious and be oblivious that it could do so!

So it’s a conversation to be had sure but I’m not sure it means anything in particular on his part.

Oh definitely stop listening to your friend! The oral - guess some like it and some dont although it is quite intimate and maybe he just doesn’t feel he (or you) are in that zone yet? I realise it’s ok for him though! Probably best directed in the moment and see what happens.

However, though I am saying stuff that shows I think it’s probably ok - ie he likes you quite a bit - I could obviously be wrong - but more importantly is it right for you? Can you be happy with how you are learning Mr Sourdough is, doesn’t have to be any ill or even thoughtless intent on his part, but it does matter if you’re not getting your needs met - this is the best part. Think about you.

Nice to read of the good dates 😃 - keep it up!

Mr Wildlife who comes and goes on messages just dropped one - normally really interesting but this time, and 10 days after my last one I get ‘xx’ like so pointless!

Mr Tree is daily messaging- interesting but starting to maybe also seem a bit of a daily chore ha! Probably left it too long to date.

Mr Wade - new but probably gone already- every boring message is ‘hi love’ ‘hope you’re good love’ ‘it’s raining here love’ - it’s the local term but by god it’s grating on every single message!

All that sounds really lovely! I don't think this sounds low effort at all, especially if he's going out of his way to cook something that's special for you.

This is just me but when I'm on the apps I like getting dressed up and going out on dates, and the actual dating aspect is often more exciting than the individual person (obviously I hope that the person will be brilliant but I'm disappointed more often than not!).

The last time I was serious about someone I was really excited to spend time in each other's homes. I was mad about the guy and I wanted to see into his life and get an idea of how he would fit into mine. I would have picked cooking together or doing a supermarket shop over a fancy date because those mundane things let you see what real daily life with this person would be like.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be taken out properly - I think a mix of both is ideal - but don't jump to the conclusion that his home dates are low effort. He could be a big soppy twat like me!

Tell him what you need from him. If he still doesn't give you what you need then maybe he's not the one for you, but give him the opportunity to try.

I may have an iron!!!

Mr Actor and I have been talking on and off for a few months and might finally meet next week. We live near each other and drink at the same pub so it's mad we've not actually managed to meet yet. We shall see anyway, maybe there's a reason it hasn't happened yet.

Mr Millionaire is away for a month doing rich guy stuff but continues to check in. He's an excellent fwb.

And the fireman popped up surprisingly. We're meeting up a week on Tuesday. I think he might need a friend in this country and I think I'd be happy to keep it at friends.

🤞🤞🤞

I am usually not in agreement with your friend but, on this occasion... It's not that I think he is not fancying you or doesn't see you as a girlfriend material. It's just that I've had experience with two men who categorically didn't do oral and over the years I regretted not binning them as soon as I found out. It's not that this was a deal breaker in itself but it was a sign of much deeper issues including deep seated mysoginy which came out in other ways too.
What can I say, I long vouched not to progress with anyone who says it.

Great news 😁

Do you think not giving oral was linked to misogyny?

Yes, absolutely. It was very much part of the whole "women are there to serve men" and doing bare minimum.

I suppose that depends on them not liking it?

Pretty sure neither of them tried it before. Ok, the first guy was Persian and I gave him the benefit of a doubt for cultural reasons. The second guy literally had no excuse and while he made some effort at the beginning of a relationship to compensate by other means, this soon turned into a very one-sided dynamic. Then we moved in together and the extent of his attitude to women came to light which is when it all made sense.
I am not saying all men feel this way, this was just my personal experience and I am very uneasy about men who won't do it.

I agree. I think men who don’t give oral don’t like women very much and don’t care about pleasing them.

IME men who love giving oral generally like women more.

Thanks @Cambridgedropout @Catza

Just trying to understand, I've never thought about it before x

Reading all of these comments with interest... he is very attentive in other ways, very focused on getting me there but not with oral... I am curious now....

No oral would be a dealbreaker for me. I’d rather go without PIV than oral. I’d feel cheated without a man going down on me

Same! I would have to end it if a man didnt do oral.

Has anyone dated when they’re not really over their ex?

I spent the weekend with Mr Persistent. He was lovely, we went out, he cooked, made such an effort, then we had a LOT of sex which was good. He is really into me, consistent, steady, kind… but…

I am not over my ex, who I was totally mad about. This is a problem, but I also think I won’t get ever be truly over him, so I kind of feel like I have to just get on with things.

The trouble is I had a very strong emotional connection and depth with my ex and at the moment I’m not getting the same here :(

I don’t want to lead Mr P on but I also don’t want to end something potentially good just because I’m not feeling the same chemistry as with my ex.

Thoughts??

It's pretty widely discussed. Particularly since DJ Khaled said something along the lines of "we are kings, so rules are different for us" in relation to him never going down on his wife. All sociology research I saw points to deeper issues of power, disregard for female pleasure and also effects of porn where male pleasure is always the main focus (unless gay female content, of course). So there is definitely a strong link here, even though it might be subconscious.