Dating Thread 56 - Love is in the Air

[BoxOfCats]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Sorry, replied then saw another reply from you.

Yes he could have called. He didnt want to (sorry) low effort. Tired after a work meeting? A phonecall with you should be rejuvenating and a nice way to switch off from the working day. If this progresses further is he going to be too tired to talk to you after work if u live together?!

How long is it that you wont see him? And then his best effort after not seeing you for this time is go round to a house? Low effort?

Also have I missed, but why is it always you waiting on his call? Why not say ill call you to him......does he think you are very easily avaliable?

Hurrah!!!!!!! Pleased for you 😘

Often he says he will call, and he does. Sometimes I message him and arrange a call too. A friend says dates at home are intimate, but I feel like they are but also I like to go out. We used to date at weekends but last few dates have been weekdays, this is giving me pause too. This weekend I am taking a step back and looking at this clearly.

The switching to weekdays thing would bother me and I see your friend's point once a couple, before it seems a bit poor.

It also depends whether the date at home is him doing something lovely or just hello, let's go to bed.

Dates at home are intimate yes, but if your only seeing and speaking to someone a small amount over a couple of weeks, where's the effort to take you out, then go back home?
You can do both and in the early days you really should because again its all about setting the stall out and effort levels.

I dont buy the "sorry I didnt call" AFTER the event. Why cant he message to apologise or call quickly and explain.

I would never just not call someone and leave them hanging. Would you?

At the end of the day chick its what works for you and makes you happy and content.

I could not deal with someone not ringing when they said (or at least messaging to explain) it would make me feel unvalued and unthought of. But that is my brain amd my thinking process. It doesn't mean I am unvalued but thats where my brain goes and then id start to overthink and make myself feel like crap.

If this is what he is like, and what he is offering you, and you are happy and content then crack on.

But dont settle for less than you want and need. You're too good for that 🤗

I agree with this.

I don’t think he should’ve invited you to the wedding. But at two months in he should be consistent and it seems like it’s his inconsistency that’s making you anxious (I don’t like inconsistency either so I would be the same)

A plan is a plan and if he was too tired for a call he could’ve just had a quick check in.

Your gut isn’t feeling settled in this xx

If he sometimes calls when he says he will but other times doesn’t, that is inconsistent behaviour. I can sympathise with being tired after a long day and not wanting to speak to anyone but I would send a message in that case. It’s possible he doesn’t message as you said you didn’t want texts between dates so could you modify that? Ask that if he can’t call when he says he will that he lets you know so you’re not waiting for his call?

I think it’s ok that he didn’t invite you to a family wedding as you haven’t been seeing each other that long and he might not have had a plus one invitation.

For me, part of the fun of a new relationship is going out and doing things together so while weekday sleepovers are fine, if he steers away from doing more and from meeting at the weekends I would find that a red flag.

Advice on Mr Artist please.

on our first date he asked if I’m having lots of dates. I said I’ve met people but I’m trying to be selective. Does that set enough of a tone that I’m not expecting exclusivity?
We’ve only had one date and assume most people would still be chatting to and meeting others.

Date 2 and 3 are already planned. Next week and then in 2 weeks after he come back from a holiday.

But he is coming on pretty strong and I’m having to rein him in a bit. He is lovely, considerate and consistent, and he has respected when I’ve said no to certain dates because I won’t have childcare and then he made a comment about “we could do this in May if you still fancy me”
to which I just replied “and vice versa”

He does message an awful lot though.

He sounds anxious and possibly trying to gauge if he is single on holiday.

Would you want to be exclusive with him yet?

No I wouldn’t. I’d like to see how things pan out, I am looking for something meaningful but I actually want to get to know the person first Rather than get swept up in things.

Agree with Nos, he sounds anxious, so trying to gauge where your heads at and lock you in to some dates. Which is nice to know hes keen, but sounds like a bit too much for you at this time?

Im sure if you wanted to be exclusive youd be thrilled but looks like its not on your timeline yet, and thats ok.

Just watch you dont end up with the ick 🫢

I don’t think I will get the ick because he isn’t doing anything wrong it’s just a mismatch on pace.

And it’s making me feel a bit guilty that I actually don’t want exclusivity yet if he does. I’m also concerned that he would be offended if I were out for an evening and didn’t reply to his messages?

I don’t know how to find a balance between not wanting to be exclusive and not wanting to hurt his feelings 😬 x

Rubber duck, I’m sorry he still has you confused. Personally, I’d have thought upcoming plans would be discussed ahead of time at the 2 month mark so you’re both diarising time for each other.

i have a date today, really looking forward to it but I’m his first date post separation (2 years ago). Also noticed he’s updated his tinder since we’ve been chatting…we shall see…

@rubberduck68 have you told Mr S that you would like to go out more and have more weekend dates?

When he invites you over does he cook something special, make interesting conversation and put some effort in or does he stick Netflix on, order a takeaway and expect to be in bed within the hour?

It could be low effort or it could be him feeling comfortable and relaxed with you. Is he generally someone who goes out a lot or is he more of a homebody?

I think it's too soon to be invited to a wedding so I wouldn't worry about that, but I do think that it's poor form not to call when he said he would. At the very least he could have sent you a text to say his work call was dragging on rather than leaving you waiting.

You set the pace and tone here. If he's messaging too much, talk to him about your comfort zone whatever that is. How he responds is important information. "If you still fancy me" is quite needy. Also, asking if you are having lots of dates is giving me red flags for a controlling personality and here is why: we all (if we are lucky enough) seek a few first dates at first until something else really sticks, asking you about that is quite invasive. "Coming on pretty strong." You set the pace, but I am a bit worried about this one for you.

Hello, been lurking for a while. Started reading here when I then coincidentally met someone who things have become locked down with. It’s been very lovely. My emotions took a spin - in a good way - from being in a stable, consistent, no uncertainty situation, rather than an Adrenalin filled ambiguous disaster.

@rubberduck68 I’ve followed your threads on Mr Sourdough. I wanted to ask if you’d be willing to talk to him next time you see him on all of these things - communication, the status of you two as a couple? It seems to me you get very anxious between seeing him, whereas he sounds like he might be quite independently minded so I expect he may not realise anything is wrong, particularly if you said you don’t like texting much. You’ve been dating for long enough now that you should be able to have honest chats. How about next time you try and have a non-drinking deep chat hangout?

You have to do what's right for you. You're being honest and acting with integrity 😘

I will tell him in person when I see him. He always cooks a really nice meal, buys good beer or wine, never puts the TV on, just talking by the fire - intelligent, fun, non sexual conversation for hours, then we go to bed. He's not a Netflix and chill man at all. His invite to go to his when he gets home is because he found an old cook book in a charity shop and it had a recipe in that my mum used to make for me, so he is going to cook it for me. He also gets in breakfast including things he knows I like. He's thoughtful, and then again sometimes a bit thoughtless?

I always want to be the cool girl who doesn't risk being a nag by asking where we are at. I know, I know, I have to work on that. It feels like asking "what are we?" is just so needy somehow? I struggle with that stuff. I will try, with help on here, to know how to word it in a way that I can bear, but he's going to be on a completely different time zone and probably jet lagged so I won't attempt it by text or phone while he is away.

First date post separation is a bit of pressure, but it was 2 years ago so that's better than him being mid-separation. Don't worry about him updating his Tinder as you are only chatting. If he does it after date 3, that's a conversation perhaps?

Upcoming plans have been discussed always, but that didn't happen this week for some reason, along with his not calling when he said he would - a change in consistency, to be noticed...

Warning: sex talk! Also, something else has been bugging me, and this might be a red flag, but he doesn't do oral... he receives it happily enough but has made no move down South. My friend has said that this means he doesn't find me very attractive or see me as girlfriend material. That was not helpful, but maybe she is right? I don't want to ask him because if he just doesn't like doing it, it might make him feel conscious? I have never, ever met a man who doesn't? As I struggle to get there with just PIV, this isn't ideal, and as I've never come across it before, I don't know how to address it. I realise it is sounding that when Mr Soughdough lands back in the UK I will be waiting with an almighty list of complaints... oh dear.

There was a thread on here last year about whether your partner/husband gave oral and quite a few people said theirs did not.

I was shocked as its a non negotiable for me and I make that clear early on. A man can be perfect in all other regards but if there is no oral I'm hot footing out of there.

Some men genuinely dont like doing it and thats perfectly fine. It's nothing to do with whether he fancies you.

I think next time you're in the after sex glow you should mention oral sex and find out whats going on so you can then decide that if he's a 'never going to do that' camp you can decide what you do with the information.

@rubberduck68 while some of my comments may be unhelpful, this friend has some odd ideas. Sorry 🙃

@rubberduck68 I strongly disagree with your friend. Everyone has preferences and it’s not about how attractive he finds you. Talk to him about what works for you. If he wants to satisfy you he’ll listen and you can both work out what to do next.

Second date with Mr Teacher went really well. He coped with my hobby (that I can get very enthusiastic about) and chatted to some of my friends well. Asked me out to dinner this week for a 3rd date and already knew where he wanted to take me. He wants to come off bumble but I have a first date with Mr Supermarket after our 3rd date which I wouldn’t usually do. I’m staying on there as we haven’t swapped numbers. Mr Beard has no time to date so I’m relegating him to the ‘not happening’ pile. Mr Teacher is lovely though and even tentatively tried out some of his cheesy jokes on me, respectfully checking what I was ok with and the more obscene ones were hilarious. I think we’re getting on well. He’s as very good kisser as well so bonus points there.

This is great @Brightbluesomething 😁