Dating Thread 56 - Love is in the Air

[BoxOfCats]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

There's only one way to find out @Betsy95 😁

2nd date and Mr Bishop was flawless.

So pleased for you!

That’s brilliant @Nosdacariad! Did you book in another date?

We've said we will and we've swapped numbers.

He is not my normal physical type but very lively and engaging 😁

Ah this is such good news! 😊

You can block peoples numbers on Hinge, so if you block your exes number, he won’t come up and he won’t see you - I am told Hinge has better quality men than Facebook dating, don’t let your ex drive you away

Do you have to pay to be able to block people though?

I don’t think so @TheThingOnTheIce. if you go to your account, safety centre, blocked numbers you can add your exes phone number to block them appearing for you.

Arranging to see Mr Teacher tomorrow, he texts so much though. It’s a lot.
New entrants are Mr Supermarket who has now asked me out but not free until next weekend. That’s a bit longer than I prefer so keeping up the chat won’t be easy.
Mr Beard has his younger DD about 80% of the time as his ex travels for work which explains why he rarely goes out. He’s funny, consistent and seems nice but I doubt it’ll go anywhere.

No, you don't have to pay to do this. You can also make a list of unacceptable words that are filtered through your messages, which weeds out the sex pests. These two things are why I like Hinge so much. It's slow, there are less men but if you are patient you might get lucky!

Put on your tin hat and get in the trench! It's tough out there. The ones who are flaky at the outset, consider that this is their A Game, so it's not going to get any better than their rubbish behaviour right now, so block them. Someone better will come along. You want someone who is curious about you in their messaging, and can form whole sentences, has a sense of humour and doesn't call their exes crazy. It's basic and total madness but a sort of winning formula - tin hat on, you've got this!

Ahh thank you! Great advice. Actually the one who I thought was flaking me did actually come through and we had a great time.

What is the etiquette for texting after a first date?

The etiquette is you choose your own rules and do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If you'd rather wait for him to reach out first, then do that. If you like to go first, do that. There are no rules, really. I lean into the more popular choice of waiting for the man to get back in touch, and it's worked well - with a few creases here and there - so far.

Agree with @rubberduck68. I’m happy to text first to say thank you for a good date, nice to meet you etc. Or to say great to meet you but I didn’t really feel a spark so best of luck. Probably wouldn’t suggest a second date though, I find men do that quickly if they’re interested so I don’t need to.

I feel like Mr Soughdough has put the brakes on a bit. The last few dates we've always talked about what to do next at the end of the last date. That didn't happen on Monday. He just said, let's talk tomorrow. He did call that evening and we talked for ages, but at the end of the call he said how about we catch up tomorrow and arrange a date. That day came and he messaged that evening to to say he was out, and could either have a very quick chat (I couldn't as I was already out) or should he call tomorrow (yesterday). I said let's catch up tomorrow. Complete silence yesterday and today so far. I find this early stage of dating really difficult because men do sometimes start to withdraw at the 2-3 month stage, and I don't know what to do. I'm not going to chase him and ask him. I'm already justifying his actions by saying, "maybe he thinks I should call him" but in his text it seemed clear that he was offering to call the next day (yesterday). Urgggghhhh.

I think you might need to focus less on what he might do and might be feeling and mire on what you want to do and what you are feeling because that is what you can control. Otherwise you are putting yourself in a passive role and that is making you anxious. Ask what's on your mind, communicate what you need, and take action regardless of what he said because it is far better than waiting and ruminating.

@rubberduck68 Kindly, you seem quite anxious. I wonder if in the past they’ve picked up on this which is why they pull back around 2-3 months?

Yes, I will take that on board. I have initiated a few conversations about my needs, e.g. exclusivity and other boundaries. Maybe I need to have one about our messaging styles.

I can be anxious if I can't work out why something is happening, yes. I have also pulled back around 2-3 months so I know it's a thing, both ways.

Yes, you have from what I have read but the harder thing to do is to stop ruminating on what he is feeling. You seem to be looking for signs all the time that he might be losing interest, which will turn into self sabotage. Instead, try thinking about what you feel about him after every date. It sounds like you might be anxiously attached, and that fear of abandonment becomes bigger than your actual feelings for the man and the relationship. So after your next date, instead of asking whether he likes you, try and ask yourself if you still like him. Is he still meeting your expectations. Are you still attracted, etc. And what would YOU like to happen next.

@Brightbluesomething good work on the iron front.

@rubberduck68 I'm sorry about Mr Sourdough.

He did call and said he was at his niece's wedding for the weekend, and wouldn't be able to catch up again until Monday. He apologised for not calling yesterday and said he was in a work meeting until mid evening and then felt too tired to talk, and he is going away for work next week, so I won't see him for two weeks now. Let's see how the communication works between us moving forward...

How are you feeling?

I’m feeling many things. I realise I don’t really know where you should be at this point just over two months, should he have invited me to the wedding? Too soon? Surely he still had a small Window to call me yesterday - I don’t know. This isn’t so much anxiety as it’s me rationally looking at it and thinking, are these red flags or not? He did say that when he gets back from his work trip, I should go over to his for dinner, we seem to be in a habit of going to each other’s houses for dinner now and not going out anywhere so much - is this low effort?

should he have invited me to the wedding? Too soon?

Guest list probably finalised before you met

Surely he still had a small Window to call me yesterday

I would say he probably did

are these red flags or not?

Just because you lean anxious it doesn't mean you should let anything go

We seem to be in a habit of going to each other’s houses for dinner now and not going out anywhere so much - is this low effort?

It does feel low effort.

How is it going to work whiles hes away will you message more?

Im glad hes able to explain his lack of calling when he says he will call and doesn't.

One thing that doesnt sit right with me is hes always exposing AFTER he hasnt done as he said. So little regard to how you might be feeling, the fact that you wonder and analyse if hes dropping off etc. Surely if he says he'll call, then cant, he could just acknowledge this by dropping you a little message "sorry I cant call im tied up with....hope your all good, il call tomorrow" removes the ambiguity and confusion you have and is just more considerate i feel, shows hes thinking of you and your feelings.

Sorry to be a bit of a cynic but my two previous relationships made me this way and made me set different boundaries this time......but I dont see why he couldnt have just called anyway, explained he was tired yadayada and then you wouldnt have felt how you did 🤷‍♀️