Dating Thread 56 - Love is in the Air

[BoxOfCats]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Betsy95 @0xymoron73 I quite agree that effort should be roughly equal, but I think there's a societal expectation of women doing the emotional labour (asking questions being one example).

Men don't secure the next date that fast if they are in "friend zone" - but be wary of love-bombing signs of moving too fast... pace it and see how he responds maybe? Do you fancy him after the two dates?

A green flag man should not feel like pulling teeth, he should have good conversational skills which includes asking about things on your profile, your life, and asking you out in a timely fashion (within 1-2 weeks ideally IMO). If the conversation is slow or stale, block them and move on.

Had a very confusing date with Mr Soughdough last night that I need to share: We went out to see a band and had a great time. Ended up back at his where we had some wine, but then two separate things happened that didn't align for me and I don't know what to think of it. He mentioned two separate friends during two separate conversations and ended with, "You'll meet them if you stick around." Then later on he asked me two questions about my childhood that he has already asked me twice before and I have answered. At this point I said, "I've already told you that twice." What followed was a very awkward silence, which I did not fill. I felt upset that he can't remember important things about my life, and worry that it means he's not interested in me, or is talking to/seeing other women. But confusingly, what on earth does the "if you stick around," mean... that sounds like he wants me to and is testing if I will. Why is dating so confusing? Obviously could not "get there" later as head was spinning. Now feel he doesn't like me and am spiralling. Help!

@rubberduck68 - if he didn’t like you he wouldn’t have made continued and specific plans, invited you back to his and slept with you.

You were both drinking … personally I’d see the “if you stick around” as a poor tipsy attempt at humour.

I’ll get grief I’m sure but you seem prone to spiralling. Are you sure you’re in the right space to date and that he’s the guy for you? From all I have read he’s always delivered … albeit at his own pace - personally he sounds just like a genuine guy trying to find his way in a new relationship to me 🤷‍♂️.

I wouldn’t read anything into it other than the positive that he’s mentioned you meeting those close and important to him … albeit in a clumsy way.

I personally wouldn’t like this either because it does seem like mixed messaging. Maybe just tell him it felt off and isn’t sitting well so you can get some clarity?

Im not getting any love bombing or too much too soon vibes from him at all. Yesterday only cane about because we both had no plans and it was mentioned in passing early on then more of a ‘let’s meet up then’ type chat knowing we have both said weekdays are off the table due to work and distance.

Do I fancy him? I think so but I’d say it’s more that I do feel there’s an attraction/connection rather than feeling ‘wow he’s hot’ but then I’ve never felt like that with anyone. I’m much more of a slow burn

@rubberduck68 I think @Betsy95 is right, talk about it.

"If you stick around" could be clumsy, humble, self-effacing?

Not remembering...are there other forgotten things in the mix?

Sounds promising... slow burn attraction can build, give him a shot!

He does say "stick around a lot" I've noticed. When I've observed something he does or says, he will reply "stick around if you like that," etc. He uses it to talk about friends/friendships that have "stuck around" or "stuck it out" and work contracts where he "stuck around" for longer than he should. It seems to be in his every day language. He has repeatedly asked me some things, but I think I can't remember all of his answers to my questions... maybe we should drink less! We both usually drink a lot of beer, and that does hit me quite hard at a certain point as I can't keep up with him!

I think that’s wise though and you are filtering them out, I’m going to start doing the same.

@Nosdacariad I think because we dated very briefly last year, some life stuff happened that was (understandably) very stressful for him so he backed off from dating and we agreed to stay friends. When we restarted dating in early Feb he said he was approaching dating cautiously/very slowly (can’t remember exactly what words he used). I guess it’s been a couple of months now, it feels like we are getting closer, but given the incredibly gradual pace at which we’ve moved I think he’s just taking things as they come.

i also have a tendency to rush in with too much too soon in relationships, so there’s an element of trying to restrain myself from doing that too.

recognising your tendency to rush into things is great. It's when you can't see it you are in trouble. You can always check in with him soon and see where you are at. You are half of this dynamic so have a right to ask?

Sorry but I disagree here, if you want a man in his masculine energy so you can remain in your female energy, then especially early on the man should be making his intentions very clear and chasing. Biologically thats what the hormones and testosterone are designed to do. When a man is attracted and interested in a woman, he gets a surge of testosterone, he should be acting on that.

Women get the hit later on, when they are feeling safe and can be in their feminine energy.

2 of my my long term relationships I was the chaser, tje planner, the organiser, it started off as me taking the lead and never changed. I was in masculine energy and I ended up being resentful.
3rd time in I swore I would not do this and waited for a man who chased me, put effort in to our first date and left me in no confusion about where I stood.
15 months in and he still leads, his effort is exactly the same, he is masculine and strong and protective which enables me to be the nurturing female. It is also the best sex ive ever had and like I say 15 months in this hasnt changed either...we are still just as attracted to each other as the day we met

Did he apologise that he forgot this information?

@rubberduck68- I think the ‘if you stick around’ is more or less saying I want you to but it’s up to you - maybe testing/hoping to find out where you’re at - to me this means he likes you.

The asking - so I’ve done this sort of automatically as a question I want to know the answer to, lined up for the date, and I’ve forgotten I’ve asked it already - as I start to ask I remember and am embarrassed of myself. I do do it distractedly in non date situations as well - when I’m not paying proper attention- more so with age/hormone drops. I wouldn’t read much into it on its own.

I’ve said same as you to my long term FWB and he’d just say well I’ve had a few drinks so don’t expect me to remember- and I didn’t always recall what he said either!

But I really wouldn’t worry - he definitely seems to like you - maybe he’s a bit drunk, a bit distractable, trying very hard - it may get clearer with time.

Mr Bishop has arranged a meal out for us 😁

Ooh when is it? This definitely sounds like there's some potential.

Friday 🙂

Yay, upgrade from a walk! 🙂

Awwww! Exciting!!

Fabulous- when is this?

Mr Cornflakes arranged 2 meals - discussed where then took charge and booked it. Whilst Mr Cornflakes won’t have to do this again it is a long time since someone did this and I’m reminded I like it ha!

I used to worry re spilling food down me - I have actually done this too / but too old to worry about that now.

Enjoy - and report back so we can enjoy too!

You remind me of an old flatmate who managed to bite a cherry tomato and explode it over her new boyfriend.

They later married...then divorced acrimoniously.

Love it lol. I’ve not managed that, but did spill sauce down my new cream top on a 40th meal at a quite posh place - with a guy I was desperate to keep hold of - poor all round ha!

I am reminded - though this is a bit gross - back in the dark ages a couple I knew, their first date was clubbing and she was sick - into his cuff boots (people might not remember these - but they didn’t grasp your legs just sat there with gaps around them) - they stayed together and in love - well to that point at least and I like to think for always after such a start ha!

I think context is everything. On the surface "if you stick around" belongs to the same category to me as "if you play your cards right" i.e. instant ick and move on. However, if you say he uses that phrase a lot, it may be just a clumsy expression that he didn't think through.
Not remembering things... I am sometimes guilty of that but I would usually remember a gist and would say "remind me, what did you say happened when x, y,z". If you are both drinking a lot, this could also be an issue. I don't really tend to go out with people who want to drink at every outing. But yes, neither of thse things would sit right with me.

However, the important thing is not how he feels about you but how he makes YOU feel. Does he make you feel safe, seen and cherished? If the answer is no, then I'm afraid you need to address it head on.