Dating Thread 56 - Love is in the Air

[BoxOfCats]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Morning all and Happy Easter if you celebrate 🐣🐰
I am beginning to think Mr Bishop wants me for his womantourage or he cba. Last night I got an "I'm busy chat tomorrow" message and this morning 🦗🦗🦗again. Jury's out.

Happy Easter all - I was going to say at least chocolate is reliable - but some is very disappointing Lately - like some men ha! Hope you find the best of both to brighten today though.

Thanks to everyone who said they stored stuff for years for exes - that makes sense and I fully agree a friendly ex is a green flag. My potential flag radar (cynicism) is high by my age! I don’t actually know yet how long Mr Tree’s ‘while’ is - missed the casual opportunity presented so will wait for the next one.

Mr Cornflakes’ date was nice enough but he discussed his ND diagnosis - which helped make sense of some things I wasn’t sure about - but having personal experience of communication issues with a ND relative that sometimes frustrate me I’m not sure if I would handle it well. I appreciate that is no good reason, just a me one, and I feel terribly mean too - he seems to really like me and he is a lovely guy.

Love the expression ‘climb him like a tree’ @rubberduck68- I would say I didn’t want to climb him like a bonsai even and less than previous date. I am t however stealing this expression with pride ha!

Happy Easter everyone 😊

So it looks like I may have been ghosted by Mr Green! We really hadn’t been chatting long but it flowed back and forward really easily, and now nothing at all for almost 24hrs. Ah well.

I matched with another guy last night and we were messaging for about an hour or so. Woke up to a good morning message and an apology for falling asleep on me.

No other chats going.

Did he mention having plans this weekend? If he was hosting or visiting family/ friends I think it’s understandable if he’s quiet as long as he’s more chatty once that’s no longer the case. If he doesn’t follow through on the ‘chat tomorrow’ comment that’s definitely entering low effort territory though.

To add to the kids discussion- my daughter has a single dad long term fella, whose child is now an adult. When meeting his child was at uni and hers several years younger at early secondary school.
Said fella was and remains all about his child as in making lots of time for them, fuss of them, absolutely being available when ever - lovely yes. But it totally passed him by that my grandchild, aged 12 needed that level of time and commitment - I mean arguably a lot more. He’d expect the grandchild to be left/babysat whatever for a day out or help with something but never ever his adult child. Baffling when you’d think he would totally understand the needs of a child.

I guess really it’s just the individual person, kids or no kids - though I don’t know as I could realise the absolute time and life commitment needed by a child until I had one - I realised and understood the concept but living it is a bit different.

Id go for the best man you can who understands you have commitments and a life outside him - that is often an issue, if they want, or just naturally seem to expect, world to revolve around them - I think that is the basic issue with my daughter’s fella tbh.

As parent to a ND person and the widow of one I would say it's a perfectly good reason so please don't feel guilty for knowing what you want xxx

I think because it’s bank holiday weekend maybe give him a day or so to come back to you, but then if not I’d be thinking the same as you.

I knew he had plans and so I'll do as you say - see if he suits the action to the word today.

Welcome 😊

Thanks @Betsy95

So the guy I’ve been messaging last night and this morning has asked why I matched with him and do I mind he’s younger and has no kids. He’s 38 and I’m 44. His profile doesn’t say anything about family plans and I pointed this out to him. I also said if he’s looking to start a family of his own then my age range is probably not for him 💁🏼‍♀️ We’ll see what he says. Sigh.

That can be tricky, I matched with a 37 year old but only when I was looking for casual fun dates.

It might be nothing to worry about, see what he says, as long as he’s aligned with not wanting kids etc.

Its a minefield isn’t it.

Im with someone whos got older kids. My kids are younger. Would never date someone with no kids. Dont think it would work.

@empirebiscuits12 you may be running into the complete lack of understanding of anything related to human reproduction in some men. It's shocking what some of them don't know.

Thanks @Betsy95 and @Nosdacariad

Well he responded saying he isn’t interested in having kids so I guess that answers that! My daughter is 22 so I definitely have a lot more spare time than I used to have.

The chat is a bit dry and I’m definitely the one asking the questions and being curious. I’m carrying the conversation and I’m losing the will 😩
But I’ll keep with it and see how it goes.

What happens if you reflect back his effort? eg if he is not asking questions then you don't either?

Those shirtless men and the sex-talkers are the norm, it's about rooting out those and looking for a man with no red flags on his profile. Doesn't matter if the profile is a bit quiet or boring, it doesn't mean he will be, trust me on this... you are looking for something that does not make you run for the hills, anything else is a possibility, unless they are incompatible with their dating aspirations kids, marriage etc. As for a sense of humour, that is a must for me and if they have it, you'll know by the end of the first date. If Mr Green asked you on a date really fast that could be good or bad. On one hand he's keen, or it could mean he's impetuous. Only one way to find out... but he's showed his hand and done the heavy lifting so I wouldn't worry that he's a little quiet now. If he's who you want him to be, he will show up and confirm that date! Excited to see where this goes...

Ha ha, please do use it! It is good that Mr Cornflakes was open about his ND diagnosis, but I reckon if the chemistry and energy was there it wouldn't matter a hoot. I have dated people with and without ND diagnosis and in the end it was the other stuff that got in the way not their ND.

I don't mind the "I'm busy let's chat tomorrow," because he is replying and doesn't want you to think that he is ignoring you BUT I would step away from that phone now, because it is definitely his turn to reply today. Bear in mind Easter can be family and having to do stuff so he might message tonight. Keep busy.

I am really falling hard for Mr Soughdough after just over two months. Might need some advice on how to reel that in!! We have not talked about feelings yet so I don't know if he's on the same page. He looks at me like he might be though... is it too soon to feel like this?!

Thank you @Nosdacariadand @rubberduck68- feel bit better about the upcoming no to him.

It is my daughter with similar ND and it’s been challenging at times over the years but she has many amazing qualities of course - and it certainly doesn’t define who she is. I can’t credit 30+ years later I still make errors how to talk to her though!

The bits of conversation/behaviour that seemed at odds with others whilst talking, now make absolute sense - I can’t believe I’m so oblivious with my daughter, but also actually working with ND as a side dish to main roles in the past - I can’t believe it as I was so good in the charity teaching sector at picking up on it - obviously, I’m not equating it with dating - which I feel is very poor of me, as I can’t see why my daughter would ever need to explain herself to her dates, but when she did I’d expect it to make zero difference as she’s a real catch in my view. I am less ambivalent about my other daughters’ when their personalities are awkward - and will tell them so and will openly wonder why their partner puts up with their princess ing or whatever if I’m around during those times ha!

I think that, probably wrongly, I already view it as something I’d need to help with, accommodate, and be fine with the odd communication - I guess I’d feel a bit of a parent/responsibility though this is obviously more my perception than reality. In my reality and After several children and 2 parents I’m not best placed, or nice enough, to be that person - I want an easy dating type thing. I would however hate this thought from someone about my daughter so I’m a bit conflicted - more about what sort of person I am really - I’m sounding dramatic myself now lol.

I always tell my kids/friends that it actually doesn’t ultimately matter why their partners behave like they do - it has to be whether they can cope with that ok - and if they can’t then just because their mum took their teddy away doesn’t mean you have to listen to the fallout. I rarely take my own advice though ha!

No its not too soon. You feel how you feel x

Maybe you don't need to reel it in. It sounds as though this has progressed at a sensible pace. Feelings are scary. That is normal. But feelings also demonstrate you are living life to the full. That takes bravery. Do you feel brave enough to share how you feel with him?

They always say to just enjoy the ride don’t they - I too say this but only when an ‘observer’ - it’s so hard when you’re in it. It’s like you want to enjoy it but put up barriers/have worries in case it all goes wrong.

I think some men may find it baffling when we ask where they’re at with it - as it’s obvious to them where they’re at and so you must know too! I think he will think you know as he keeps showing up, staying over now, etc - obviously he really likes you ha!

Now this wouldn’t happen with Mr Cornflakes as how he feels/thinks are just stated openly - I’ve dated a similar guy moons ago - honestly I find it a bit disconcerting done like that but then again it’s really hard when you don’t know and are trying to work it out.

Honestly, from what you’ve shared I would say it’s more than a date for him - but he probably doesn’t even consider that maybe he should articulate that as you will know this!

Re reeling it in - not sure you can tbh - you could just try and be busy and go with the flow but I doubt that’ll work - maybe some sort of conversation. I feel he’d be quite up front were he to have no next date in mind so there’s that as a start.

Do you talk of the future at all? - not as in where you’ll get married but more like ‘oh we should do that’ when it’s only a summer activity for a random example / that’s a good sign I’ve always found.

I’m not much help here directly for your situation but I hope you can get to enjoy these feelings instead of trying to stop them - it’s exciting this stage.

So still no word from Mr Green since early yesterday…. I think I can write this one off and accept I’ve been ghosted. Which is a shame because our chats were fun and flirty, but hey-ho!

The other guy I’ve been chatting with….the one who said he doesn’t want kids but chat is a bit dry….has asked me on a date! I’ll call him Mr Gearbox. Purely because I feel like I’ve had to guide him into shifting up a gear 😂

He’d said something in a message and then followed it up with “I’ve blown it haven’t I?” I was actually in a shower at the time so my reply to him was a bit slow and he jokingly accused me of keeping him hanging!! Flirty chat about how I can make it up to him etc etc. He was kind of bumbling around and I basically had to spoon feed him. BUT I’m willing to meet for a date because he’s maybe just not great over message.

I don’t think there’s any right or wrong answer to this. Everyone goes at different speeds and you e had plenty of dates over a couple of months. And as you say, there’s lots of chemistry when you’re together! I have a habit of falling quickly and it can be quite a confusing time. I’d actually forgotten about this awkward stage of dating but I would say your feelings are probably appropriate for the timescales you’ve mentioned!