Friendship ended over a sigh.

[JalapenoFeverDream]

I'm utterly perplexed by what's happened with me and my friend. Been friends about 15 years, loads in common, had some breaks together, nights in, and nights out. We live in different towns about 18 miles apart and due to opposite work schedules, we don't get to meet up as often as we'd like.

A few weeks ago, we realised Sunday was a day were could both meet up, and arranged to meet at a village close to her town. I had plans late morning / early lunchtime and we discussed meeting up afterwards.

On the day, we spoke on text to arrange a time, she said she had some errands to run, so asked if I could give her a rough time, such as 2pm or 3pm so she knew how much time she had to get things done. I said, let's say 2pm tentatively, but I'll confirm for sure shortly.

Just after midday, I text and said 2pm was looking tight, so can we meet at 3pm. She replied much later saying can we make it quarter past as she's still running errands, no probs I say.

I get to the village at the agreed time and she's not there. After 5 mins waiting, I call to check she's okay and she's only just left her town and will be 10-15 mins. I was busting for a wee, in a farm shop with no facilities. So this is where it started to go awry...

In response to my friend due to be arriving 15 mins late, I inadvertently let out a small sigh, not a deep sigh, literally a short disappointed sigh, followed by me saying, "Oh... okay mate. I'll see you soon then." There was 100% no annoyed tone to my voice. I was looking forward to seeing her. The sigh was totally inadvertent, like rolling your eyes, or like wrinkling your nose in disgust at something.

Well, she went bat shit at me, screaming and swearing at me, "Don't you fucking sigh at me! I've planned my whole fucking day around you! Don't you dare fucking sigh at me!"

I was honestly taken aback by how she went from nought to screaming at me.

I ventured to interrupt her tirade to say it sounds like maybe it's best to not meet up, and let's rearrange. But before I could get a word in, she said, "You know what? You can fuck off. I'm not fucking meeting you now, so fuck off!" Then hung up on me.

I was upset, but thought I'd not bother trying to call her back as she was obviously angry. So, I'd let it settle and drive back to my town.

I got home, and found that she'd blocked me on Instagram, FB, phone and WhatsApp. Which seems way over the top and childish.

I have a separate Facebook account for my work, so I sent her a message from there which probably went to her "Other" inbox.

My message said I was shocked and disgusted at the way she spoke me to me and that while I totally understand the inadvertent sigh may have been annoying, her response to it was wholly disproportionate.

I also remarked that I resented her saying she planned her "whole fucking day" around me. We agreed that 2pm was tentative, I gave her two hours notice to move it and if anything, me moving it to 3pm gave her extra time to get her errands completed.

I finished the message saying that what's done is done, I'm saddened and that I'll post her birthday present that I'd brought with me. (Her birthday was the week we were meant to meet.)

Not heard from her since. I never fall out out with my friends, hence no idea how to navigate it.

As I'm upset, I spoke to a couple of my close friends who don't really know her, one said to leave her be now, the ball's in her court. She agrees with me that her reaction was OTT, but maybe there's a reason.

My other friend said she'd bin her off, even if she came back and apologised, as being spoken to like that would be the last time she's being spoken to like that.

Firstly, AIBU in thinking her reaction (the tirade and mass blocking) was OTT?

Secondly, what would your next steps be? I'm erring on just leaving it.

Absolutely it sounds as though she had something else going on to react like that. Was that kind of arrangement to meet up usual? Maybe she felt you were prioritising other things over her. Have you honestly looked back at the last few meet ups and there's nothing else you'd done or said which may have annoyed or upset her?

As you've messaged saying you'll send her present then do tha, if you haven't already, and leave it for her to respond.

I don’t want to be harsh but I do think yabu.
I’m not really sure why you’d bother to go to a different account to message her just to say you’re disgusted in her, I’m not sure what the desired outcome of that was. And it’s very hot and cold to say that but also that you’d send her bday gift. It sounds like you’re trying to be rude like she was but also get the higher ground.

also to be fair to her it does sound like the timings of the day were completely dictated by you and sighing is rude and you were the one to say you don’t want to meet up with her anymore too.
she obviously wasn’t polite and didn’t handle the situation brilliantly, but I do wonder if things have been building. You can’t do morning you can’t do evening you now can’t do 2pm either, then she changes the time once by 10-15mins and you start sighing. It doesn’t seem like you can see what you contributed to the situation in this instance and I wonder if thats the case on other occasions too

I would either message and apologise
or just leave it

She sounds a bit unhinged. Is there something going on on her life causing stress and you are the last straw?

id not I say cut your losses.

Moving the time from 2 to 3 obviously annoyed her. I would be too, just pick a time instead of putting people in a holding pattern.
You were rude imo

She obviously over-reacted...but I guess it was a bit last minute, you said roughly 2, then changed it on the day to 3, which was fine, but then you sighed which sounds like she's pissing you around, whereas in fact, you were both very flexible. It must have been quite an audible sigh and made her feel bad for her to even have anything to react to.

Anyway, what's done is done. I think you will just have to leave it. She may well have more going on, but it was all very faffy, you huffed at her (even if it wasn't a deep sigh, she heard it!) and she just came to the end of her tether.

I hope she'll apologise and you will get on with being friends, I don't see the point of texting her you are disgusted- just leave it be, and let her sort herself out (I know you've sent it now, but don't send any more).

Yeah, we are usually easy going and my friend will admit that's she's a scatterbrain at the best of times, and sometimes runs late. Hence no annoyed tone in my voice, I'd half expected she'd not be bang on time, maybe five mins late.

She's got form for cancelling and rearranging our plans at a day's notice and I'm always fine with that, I'm pretty laid back and my friends are all pretty similar in the fact that they're not demanding / jealous / drama queens. Life sometimes gets in the way and plans can be easily rearranged.

I dont understand why though. She asked for a rough time so that she knew when to aim for finishing her errands. We also agreed I'd confirm for certain after I got to the event I was briefly attending when I'd have a better idea of how long it would take.

She then came back to me and said she'd not be finished her errands at 3pm and can we push it back 15 mins.

Least said, soonest mended. I'd just leave it now and see what happens.

Has she behaved oddly regarding other people in her life OP? When this happened to me, I could, with hindsight, see I wasn’t alone in being treated unreasonably by so-called (ex)friend.

You have done exactly right, ball is in her court, I would be expecting an apology/explanation if she does pop up again rather than going back to the status quo.

Ultimately while you can make up with a friend who had a really bad day, you can’t be friends with anyone who thinks they are reasonable to behave like this.

I dunno.

You changed the time, called her (!) when she was 5 mins late and then sighed at her. It wasn’t inadvertent.

However she should not have talked to you that way

I hear what you're saying. But we only spoke at 10am that day about arrangements, she asked for just a rough time and I gave two hours notice to push it back.

Yep, the sigh must have audible. But it was genuinely inadvertent, I was cold, needed a wee, and just looking forward to seeing her.

Yeah,, agree, thank you. 'm not going to message her again. I sent the last message while upset and I was feeling disgusted with the reaction, so it made its way into what I was saying. I get what what you're saying though.

You sound quite uptight, OP - phoning her when she’s a whole five minutes late to your meet-up, then sounding audibly pissed off when she tells you she’ll be another few minutes. It’d be different if you had a restaurant reservation or were seeing a film or something with a definite start time, but it doesn’t sound like that sort of arrangement? Just a casual meet-up, the time for which had already been shifted around a bit. To be honest I can understand her losing her temper when you became irritated at her, after she had proved herself to be flexible around timings to facilitate you.

I pushed it back as discussed already with her and she wanted to meet even later than that as she wasn't done. So I was surely doing her a favour pushing the time back.

Tbh you would've been better saying let's say 3 , because I don't know how long I'll be here, if I'm free earlier I'll let you know, but no worries if you're not around until 3ish. If you'd said to me 2 but it might be slightly later I'd be thinking it might be 2:15, 2:30 latest.

Let's meet up Sunday, I'm busy in the morning I've got xyz,
ok when do you want to meet?
2 maybe?
12 comes along sorry won't be there until 3
Gets to 3:05 , where are you? Even though you'd already pushed her back an hour...

Tentative pencilling in is for work meetings. The sigh would've irritated me too. Probably not enough to go batshit though!

I should have mentioned, I only called her as I checked my phone to see if there was a message dad saying she's running late and I had two missed calls from her.

And regarding flexibility, I'm the flexible one. She cancels on me fairly regularly as she's "not got enough hours in the day" and has overstretched herself diary wise and I'm always completely cool with that.

Yeah, that probably was a better way to plan meeting up actually. Good advice for me for future.

I rang her after five mins as I noticed I'd had two missed calls from her. Otherwise I'd have waited longer before calling her to see if she's en route.

If it’s very out of character and you want to continue the friendship I would wait a week or two and reach out to ask if everything is ok.

If you’re just annoyed and want to have the last word then let it go, life’s too short.

I should have mentioned, I was returning her call. I had two missed calls.

The sigh was inadvertent, I didn't even realise I'd done it until she kicked off.

Unless and emergency comes up, it's really annoying and rude to change times to meet up, esp when only an hour in advance. Had you both arranged a time and kept to it, none of this would've happened and it doesn't take much to stick to a meet up other than organisation! To shift meet up time very late in the day shows the other person that they're not that important, their time isn't that important.

She shouldn't have kicked off like that, but hopefully the next friendship you have you guys treat each other with a bit more respect when it comes to meeting up.

She's blown up over little things in the past, but not like this.

She falls out with friends regularly but I usually just let shit go and it takes two people to argue, hence we don't usually fall out.

That's how we usually operate though. We make firmer plans a couple of hours beforehand. She's often a bit late, we laugh it off as it's a recurring theme.

She's fallen out with most of her close friends at one time or another, on multiple occasions.

I'm fairly laid back and when she's been snappy at me in the past, I've ignored it as it takes two people to have an argument. So I've not had a situation like this with her before.

Send her a card with a slight rewording of
Yep, the sigh must have audible. But it was genuinely inadvertent, I was cold, needed a wee, and just looking forward to seeing her.
You were both battling time, the pressure not allowing for your better selves.

You both sound pretty self absorbed; you with your ‘I already had plans in the morning’ ‘I needed a wee’ ‘I let her know which time I was available to meet’, and her with all her running errands and leaving late for the meet up etc.

I wonder then if there is something really amiss in her life right now or you've just received the type of behaviour that you've witness towards others?

Maybe it's just run its course for both of you.