Friend not disclosing she has kids she doesn’t see.

[99flake99]

How would you go about this? I have found out that a friend I have (reasonably close) has children she has never spoken about that live with her dad. She has had more kids now with someone else.

I don’t know how to take this, whether I should bring this up. I know there could be many reasons why it’s happened but I can’t help but feel a bit wary, it’s a massive thing to hide. Also I find it hard to understand why they haven’t kept any contact at all with them.

You are judging, you're assuming she's walked from her children when you don't know the circumstances, maybe that's why she didn't tell you. I imagine it's painful for her.

Indeed. They do get judged for not seeing their DC, on Mumsnet certainly.
However, men (on Mumsnet) who never see their DC rarely get immediately suspected of having had their children officially removed from them and therefore, of abuse - which is what has happened on this thread, and by the OP, apparently.

She hasn't told you because its very shameful , may he was abusive and took the kids and she had no money to fight him , maybe her mental health was crap or drinking/ drugs maybe she went to prison

maybe they are step kids and not biological hers and she lost touch when they split

you could do a dbs check on her if she has your kids

all you need is her full name date of birth

Clare's or Sara's law may apply ? You can ask at a police station if she is safe to have your kids unsupervised

personally id take her out for a drink and get into it -ask outright . But be kind its unlikely to be a fun story

I had a friend that this happened too. It was many years ago and I was rather crass a naive at the time. It seemed extraordinary to me that she should have a son she didn’t see and that she’d never mentioned. Like you, OP, I only found out after I’ve known her for several years.

What she told me, which was I’m sure only a small part of what happened, was that she’d not been a good mother and that it had been better for her son to stay with his father.

Knowing what I know now and having worked in this area of work for sometime, I realise that there were things that were private that she wouldn’t have needed to justify or explain.

People’s experiences and their pain is private and what happens is a matter for them. Don’t judge her. You just don’t know.

Nothing to do with you, really.

I don’t know what your problem is. You don’t know me at all. I was just looking for some decent advice. Go away.

They can move heaven and earth, but if a family court judge is unmoved, that's all there is to it.

If you are close enough to be looking after each others young children then I’d say you’re close enough to go to her and mention what you have heard, from a safety perspective for your own children.

There may be a reasonable explanation.

How old are the children roughly she has no contact with?

Another possibility if they are older is that the children have done something she can’t forgive them for and is ashamed about. Like a crime.

There are so many reasons that this situation could have occurred - parental alienation, they are step-children or even she just has the same name as their mother and you’ve assumed they must be hers, but it’s mistaken identity on your part! You can’t be that great a friend if you immediately become suspicious of her rather than think about any other scenario. And as others have said, it’s very likely if she was an absent Dad you would have thought far less deeply about it all.

It is none of your business,

I knew a person who had a child when she was 15 who was raised by her parents.

She was incapable (emotionally or financially) of taking care of her own child. There was no drugs or alcohol. She was uneducated which means she could only work entry level jobs. She allowed her parents to raise her child because she understood her child needed stability.

I also know a woman whose son was being raised by her parents. The reason being was she was busy working in another city and had significant health issues. She couldn’t work that sort of job in the city her parents lived in and she couldn’t live independently in her parent’s city and she needed to live close to her specialists.

You shouldn’t judge.

How do you know she has other kids and who they live with?

Your posts come across you are assuming the worst of your reasonably close friend, no wonder she didn't want to discuss it with you. jumped to the conclusion of abuse and removal!!

Throughout your posts it's all about you, wary because of your kids. Surely the correct response would be - I have found this out and wondering how to broach with my friend and ask if theres anything I can do to support her, or something along those lines.

you are a nosy parker and the only issue you have is that she didn't tell you. you don't care about her feelings in all of this.
Shame on you.

How did you find out? I found out similar years ago about what we also considered good friends. The husband, absolute hands on doting father, had a secret older child. Not secret from the wife. Just didnt fit in with the image they wanted for a family.

I asked outright when I saw them together, I saw Graham at Sainsburys with a teen girl. Is it is niece?

I knew someone with 4 kids. Turns out she has 6 but left two of them and the DH to be with a man who beat her on a regular basic and eventually hospitalised her.

She had told me her life history one time but she didn't really speak about the others, never saw them but I think one had wanted to make contact as they'd reached near the end of secondary school but she wasn't sure what to do.

The ages of the kids really matter. Do you know what age they are?

You believe authorities would 'remove' children and then not have involvement in the lives of further children?

The kind of shaming ostracising your post leans into ..is why people don't seek support when they struggle 🤦‍♀️

Her past and children are non of your concern and you’d be very unreasonable to bring it up. If you have concerns over her looking after your children then you don’t have her look after them!

She completely right though.

Keep your beak out of other people's business and don't leave your kids with someone you don't really know.

OP, I’m sorry for the rude and unreasonable responses.

I have a very small amount of very close friends more like family. If I found this out about any of them I would absolutely want to understand the situation. I would want to know not so I had a fill of gossip but because I’d like to be aware of what type of person I was sharing my life with and obviously if your children are around her too.

It could be something deeply sad for her but it also could be due to something she has done or chosen. I wouldn’t be able to just carry on regardless.

my advice would be to very gently let her know you’ve been given this information. If you’re as close to her as I am my friends I know an open conversation would be okay. I would perhaps caveat with that she doesn’t need to tell you if she doesn’t want but you think it best you let her know that you’re aware. I know I don’t think I could show up to any my relationships with friends in the same way holding something so big back.

i hope it does turn out that she’s glad it’s out in the open and it’s nothing sinister. Good luck OP

how strange are these comments? i have kids with my ex that he doesn’t see or pay for, when i post people say he should be shunned and his friends should have nothing to do with him for being such a dead beat and how they’d not want anything to do with someone who doesn’t see their kids and “everyone should know what a loser he is” now suddenly because it’s a woman totally different story?!

Lol at using a 'safety perspective' as an excuse to get the gossip.

Or the OP could just stop leaving her kids with her?

The other children may have involvement from the authorities, she may be hiding that too.

Be very cautious OP, because the safety of your own children matters a lot more than anything else, definitely a lot more than appearing judgemental or nosy or whatever others are saying. I would gently talk with your friend about what you know and see what she says.

I’d not mention as it could be a sore subject. I personally would distance myself. While this sounds terrible, as a PP said, you don’t have your kids taken for nothing. I personally would wish her well, pray to her and distance myself.
she has no obligation to disclose anything, but I would also wonder and be slightly shocked.

who said that the children had been removed?

Where’s the evidence that this situation is the same as that?

She might be worried about being judged, and we can see why, or traumatised and the only way she can cope is to block it out, or her ex alienated them from her so she's had no choice about it. But why would this stop you being friends and why can't you ask her about it? If social services took the kids off her why would she have more kids living with her?