Fell out with long term friend after keeping pregnancy quiet

[M231OTW]

Will keep it as short as I can without missing out important details.

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation.

I had 3 kids Sally had 1, but we very rarely done anything with the kids if we met up it would be to grab few bits while kids were at school same goes for the weekend, Sally liked to drink and had a babysitter every weekend. I dont drink and don't like anyone having my kids.

Sally is due to be married March 2027, I had been asked to be bridsemaid I agreed. Hen do is booked for January 2027, I paid deposit and wasnt supposed to start making regular payments until this month.

I fell pregnant and decided to keep my pregnancy a surprise and didn't tell Sally, didnt tell anyone apart from my mum and even then she didnt find out until near the end and of course I needed someone on standby for my other kids when labour came around.

Sally had booked a date to go pick dresses, didnt ask if it was suitable for anyone just booked it (her wedding her choice, I have no issues with that) but unfortunately I couldnt make the date as had no babysitter and also heavily pregnant at this point so wasnt mad that I couldnt make the date as I would have had to announce my pregnancy (couldnt hide it) and didnt want to take away from her day.

The dress was picked, the hen was booked i was attending the hen and organising shirts etc for said hen, baby would have been almost 12 months at date of hen so would have established eating routine etc by then.

Baby was born very quickly, I took a few days to get my head around it then let grandparent and aunts/uncles know then video called Sally to let her know.

Instantly knew Sally wasnt happy and she straight away asked about her wedding and hen, ensured her all would be ok its over a year away and that I would be there.

Then came the messages about how friends dont keep secrets like this, all while im 4 days postpartum, explained I wanted to keep it to myself my choice etc and it just went from there, I was banished from the hen party and we parted ways. Again im not mad about this because people who she spoke the back off so badly are now the new bridsemaids but out of curiosity wondering how others would have dealt with this and who is in the wrong?

Of course, and if your friends were upset that’s their right too

It is weird though.

Up to 20 weeks understandable but after that, weird and a bit narcissistic. Especially if it's your fourth. Reminds me of that sketch show character who prances around shouting 'Don't Look At ME! I am SHY.'

I had a close friend do this twice, some years ago. We and our children spent lots of time together and shared lots of confidences. I moved away but we kept in touch regularly. I had a feeling that she was expecting her fourth baby due to small clues to which she replied she wasn't but I'd be the first to know if she was. A few months later she announced the birth on Facebook! I was shocked and felt very hurt, but didn't say anything, sent baby clothes and a congratulations card and carried on being friends. She did it again with her fifth, at which point I withdrew, realising we weren't the friends I'd thought we were. She still tagged me on FB and said she missed me. It was horrible, as it felt like she thought telling me would jinx the pregnancy or something, but then to publicly announce the birth felt theatrical, attention-seeking and a slap in the face to close friends. She was very proud of her large family and her pregnancies and births were all very straightforward. It was noticeable that if I shared one photo of my 2 children (which I hardly ever did), she'd immediately upload one of her five kids, in a row, almost in response. In the end I came off social media as found this sort of behaviour so upsetting and strange. I was only ever a kind, supportive friend to her. This sort of behaviour feels like power play and designed to make you, as a friend, feel as unimportant as possible. I can only think there were other issues going on in the background that I wasn't aware of.

It's fine and nornal to keep the pregnancy private for the first 3 months. A bit odd and eccentric to continue keep it secret in months 4-6 when you start showing. It's completely batshit to keep it a secret until after the baby is born. The bride was right to distance herself from you. Enjoy your baby days and your family, you have let everyone else know that they aren't important to you and you don't like or trust them so hopefully you'll get all the fulfilment you need in life from just focusing on your children.

That was a weirdly secret I thing to do and sent a clear signal that you don't really like it trust her

I wouldn’t have an issue with a couple who chose to do this scenario you describe, but I would have compared it more to those that invite friends and family to a wedding, for all to then be told the couple actually got married in secret some time ago (I’ve know of one instance when even the parents found out during the wedding ceremony that the couple were married 12 months previously!).

In hindsight, the example I have given would be far more hurtful to me than finding out a pregnancy had been concealed from me. I appreciate OP said there were some concerns with the pregnancy, but I can also understand why the close friend would be upset.

I think it's soap opera behaviour driven by Netflix / Reality TV / Insta. Main character syndrome where everything has to be a big reveal or a cliff hanger or a drama.

Yes sorry but another one who thinks this is really odd. If one of my best friends did this I'd definitely be reevaluating the friendship too (though I seriously can't imagine they ever would - she's right, close friends just don't keep secrets like this).

Your friend chose you to be her bridesmaid which is only a role for best friends. You chose not to tell her you were pregnant. I think she is hurt op.

I did not keep the pregnancy quiet for attention, the problems i had during pregnancy would have granted lots of attention if thats what I was "craving" i wanted to carry my baby in silence obviously I had to announce it at some point but I didnt keep it silent for a big announcement. I dont do social media etc so there was never a big Facebook announcement I contacted those close to me family and Sally and that was it.

I dont tend to see family often i work from home, study and raise children life is naturally busy, I didnt actively avoid seeing anyone it just didnt happen.

Ive already explained the dress picking situation. I didnt have a babysitter, fiance was working, my mum was working so therefore I couldnt attend and as I said I was slightly glad I couldnt Purley because I was showing and I would have had to announce it on a day special to her which I didnt want to do. Taking away the fact that I didnt want to announce it at all I definitely would not have announced it on a day that was supposed to be all about Sally

You obviously could have told her before the day

I can't imagine thinking I was still friends with someone and want her to be my bridesmaid when she's hidden an entire pregnancy and birth from me.

This

Exactly @Scottishskifun It's a bit daft to be annoyed or 'hurt' that someone didn't tell you they were pregnant until 20-21 weeks. There are so many reasons that someone would do this. (As you have illustrated.)

I find it particularly jarring, because when DH and I were having our first, we didn't tell anyone til 15-16 weeks in. (We had our reasons!) First our parents, and then our brothers and SILs, then a few cousins and several aunts. All over about 2 days. We told them over the end of August Bank Holiday weekend.

DH went back to work on the Tuesday, and a woman (Pauline) who worked in the works canteen (who he had known for about 5 or 6 years before he met me, and who he saw in the pub now and again with his mates,) came up to him with a face like thunder.

She said 'I can't BELIEVE you and her didn't tell me you were having your first baby.' DH was like ??? She said 'nearly 3 days your Linda has known!' (his cousin who knew this woman as an aquaintance.) DH said 'well she is family.' She banged on... 'I'm just so upset and hurt and fucking disappointed in you Dave. Why the fuck didn't you tell me?!! You better make me the first Godparent!' DH was (still) like ??? (She was serious. She was really arsey and angry with him.)

He told me and I said 'Pauline can get to fuck. She's not even coming to the Christening. Who the fuck does she think she is, my MUM?!'

We both gave her a wide berth after that, and some 6 months later, she announced she was 3 months pregnant. She shouted to DH... 'Hi DAVE. I have told everyone I know that I am pregnant. I think I should inform you that you are the last to know.' Then she turned her back on him and swanned off ... Again DH was like ???

Top tier peak batshittery.

Hiding a pregnancy until the baby is born from EVERYone is a bit odd though! (As the OP did.)

This.

Honestly I find this whole concept very odd! Fair enough not “announcing” a pregnancy but actively hiding it from people who are supposed to be your family & closest friends is really strange.

Really odd way for you to behave

I think I’d feel really taken aback and a bit sad if a close friend didn’t disclose their pregnancy at all and suddenly announced having a new baby. It isn’t usual behaviour. More understandable after a late loss perhaps but outside of this, really kind of odd. I think she also might have been more understanding if you had told her later into the pregnancy than usual but just announcing the baby is… odd.

I still don't understand why you would not tell Sally about the pregnancy or try to arrange to see her for months at a time , if she's supposed to be a good friend. Perhaps it is best you have ended your relationship now. Hope you are ok.

@Phoenixfire1988 did you just tell people you’d been eating too much?

It is really really odd, what you did. And that you pretty much sequestered yourself away from public life for 6 months. You didn’t see any family or friends in that time, didn’t even see parents of your kid’s friends when dropping off for play dates etc. It really is very very strange.

If I were your friend, I wouldn’t fall out with you but I’d be wary of you because I’d be concerned about your mental health, and really concerned that you have no social contact with anyone for several months. And maybe she just thinks you’re not worth the hassle if she can’t trust you anymore, because you’ve kept something like this a secret.

But I wasnt able to make the day anyway as I didnt have a babysitter.

OP in the numerous conversations you had with Sally, particularly in the latter stages of your pregnancy, when she said “hi, how are you?”, did it not feel remotely weird to be not mentioning the person you were about to produce?

Also - I’m curious - are you genuinely surprised at her reaction? And having seen the overwhelming support for your ex-friend’s perspective on this thread, are you any closer to understanding how she might feel?