Fell out with long term friend after keeping pregnancy quiet

[M231OTW]

Will keep it as short as I can without missing out important details.

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation.

I had 3 kids Sally had 1, but we very rarely done anything with the kids if we met up it would be to grab few bits while kids were at school same goes for the weekend, Sally liked to drink and had a babysitter every weekend. I dont drink and don't like anyone having my kids.

Sally is due to be married March 2027, I had been asked to be bridsemaid I agreed. Hen do is booked for January 2027, I paid deposit and wasnt supposed to start making regular payments until this month.

I fell pregnant and decided to keep my pregnancy a surprise and didn't tell Sally, didnt tell anyone apart from my mum and even then she didnt find out until near the end and of course I needed someone on standby for my other kids when labour came around.

Sally had booked a date to go pick dresses, didnt ask if it was suitable for anyone just booked it (her wedding her choice, I have no issues with that) but unfortunately I couldnt make the date as had no babysitter and also heavily pregnant at this point so wasnt mad that I couldnt make the date as I would have had to announce my pregnancy (couldnt hide it) and didnt want to take away from her day.

The dress was picked, the hen was booked i was attending the hen and organising shirts etc for said hen, baby would have been almost 12 months at date of hen so would have established eating routine etc by then.

Baby was born very quickly, I took a few days to get my head around it then let grandparent and aunts/uncles know then video called Sally to let her know.

Instantly knew Sally wasnt happy and she straight away asked about her wedding and hen, ensured her all would be ok its over a year away and that I would be there.

Then came the messages about how friends dont keep secrets like this, all while im 4 days postpartum, explained I wanted to keep it to myself my choice etc and it just went from there, I was banished from the hen party and we parted ways. Again im not mad about this because people who she spoke the back off so badly are now the new bridsemaids but out of curiosity wondering how others would have dealt with this and who is in the wrong?

I agree with PPs that this was a really weird thing to do. I totally understand why you're friend is upset.

Well.....aren't you odd to think Sally should remain friends with you after the Big Secret

Your choice to keep the secret. Her choice to be upset and dump you

You've lost a friend

That’s the sort of even that you make sure you’ve arranged childcare for. You have a partner, he must have family. You have family.

You seem very main character. For someone’s wedding, someone you claim as a good and close friend, you make the effort. The dress day, you’re a bridesmaid. You go.

You don’t seem to like her very much. It really does come across that you are judging her for using babysitters, for going out for a drink when you just sit at home with no outside contact, constantly there for your children and would never use something as terrible as a babysitter.

We had no mutual friends, her other friends were from work, partners friends, friends of work friends etc.

I keep a very close circle I have ADHD and potentially autism, hadnt mentioned this because its irrelevant to everything else but it was easy for me to "hide away". Family know im a busy mum and they only tend to see me on occasions like weddings etc none of which came up in the 9 months. I spoke to family over call and texts but we arent all a family who see each other regularly.

My other friends live in different countries so our contact is limited to messaging and calls.

It's not really about "announcements" though, it's just talking normally to a friend about what's going on in your life. You didn't have to make a song and dance about it.

It seems a big passive-aggressive like you were getting back at her.

OP, you can drip feed as many irrelevant details as you like, but are you going to engage with the fact of the most people do think you’ve been unreasonable?

Well you clearly not each others best friend. You were her bridesmaid but could not even find the time to attend the fitting ? Hiding a pregnancy to full term, all the while meant to be involved in her big life event. That's fine if you want to keep it secret but don't expect people to want to be close friends with you

Odd behaviour, so are you saying you never told a single person except your partner and mum about the pregnancy?

OP I think you should reflect on your actions, and the impact they have on others. You may feel that you’re an island, who doesn’t need anyone, and can happily ride roughshod over the feelings of others. But it’s not a good lesson to teach your kids. The vast majority of us need our friends. We need their support, their opinions, and the joy that they bring. I hope you’re not teaching your kids that your disregard for friends is normal.

I can't understand how you don't even have the self-awareness to not post this thread in the first place, OP. Did you honestly genuninely think anyone would say what you did was fine??🙈

In your OP you said no babysitter and also heavily pregnant as your reasons. But anyway you were making out like she’s not asked to see you and you were glad you didn’t have to ruin her fitting by revealing the pregnancy on the day, which you would have had to do even if you did have a babysitter.

Nuttier than a fruit cake. No wonder Sally has distanced herself.

I've tried to imagine my best friend being pregnant and hiding it. I would definitely take it personally, even if she said she'd not told anyone else.

I would feel that she either didn't trust me enough or like me enough to share her news.

You've effectively given her the cold shoulder, and now she's doing the same to you. I don't think you've got much comeback, to be honest.

So having read all the replies do you understand now why what you did was upsetting and she doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore? None of the drip feeds have been relevant or changed anyone’s mind

Agree with others who say it's certainly...unusual...to keep your entire pregnancy a secret from a friend you're going to be a bridesmaid for.
"Here's my baby."
Of course it's entirely your decision but being honest, I would be all 'wtf?' if I were your friend too.

Also, is the reason Sally ends her calls to you when her partner comes within earshot because he can tell you’re apparently crackers??

Presumably other people must have known - your kid’s friends / classmates parents, neighbours, colleagues - so I’m surprised that when other people started picking up on the fact you were pregnant, that wasn’t your cue to mention it to Sally? I’m very intrigued by this.

I'm still trying to understand the point of telling us that you'd get off the phone "mid conversation" if her husband came home. What does that have to do with anything? And it's really weird too, but I guess that fits with other weird things here...

I don't blame Sally, you have been extremely weird. To not even tell your own mum it awful, even worse is to only tell her because you needed her to look after your other children when you went into labour is selfish.Did you even bother to tell your other children they were going to have a sibling?

Why did you not tell your best friend you were pregnant!?

I'm not on about 'my choice' etc. Why did you decide not to tell your best friend that you were pregnant?

Are you jealous of her? Do you resent her? Was it one-upmanship?

Something stopped you telling her and unless you're honest about that, no one on here, can help you.

You're coming across as a really spiteful person. Sally, most definitely, has done the right thing by cutting you off.

I’m afraid I would have distanced myself from you too after that.

Very odd behaviour to hide your pregnancy from everyone.
Did you not leave your house for months on end? Did not one person notice you were pregnant?

For you have a partner, op. Are you married?