Fell out with long term friend after keeping pregnancy quiet

[M231OTW]

Will keep it as short as I can without missing out important details.

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation.

I had 3 kids Sally had 1, but we very rarely done anything with the kids if we met up it would be to grab few bits while kids were at school same goes for the weekend, Sally liked to drink and had a babysitter every weekend. I dont drink and don't like anyone having my kids.

Sally is due to be married March 2027, I had been asked to be bridsemaid I agreed. Hen do is booked for January 2027, I paid deposit and wasnt supposed to start making regular payments until this month.

I fell pregnant and decided to keep my pregnancy a surprise and didn't tell Sally, didnt tell anyone apart from my mum and even then she didnt find out until near the end and of course I needed someone on standby for my other kids when labour came around.

Sally had booked a date to go pick dresses, didnt ask if it was suitable for anyone just booked it (her wedding her choice, I have no issues with that) but unfortunately I couldnt make the date as had no babysitter and also heavily pregnant at this point so wasnt mad that I couldnt make the date as I would have had to announce my pregnancy (couldnt hide it) and didnt want to take away from her day.

The dress was picked, the hen was booked i was attending the hen and organising shirts etc for said hen, baby would have been almost 12 months at date of hen so would have established eating routine etc by then.

Baby was born very quickly, I took a few days to get my head around it then let grandparent and aunts/uncles know then video called Sally to let her know.

Instantly knew Sally wasnt happy and she straight away asked about her wedding and hen, ensured her all would be ok its over a year away and that I would be there.

Then came the messages about how friends dont keep secrets like this, all while im 4 days postpartum, explained I wanted to keep it to myself my choice etc and it just went from there, I was banished from the hen party and we parted ways. Again im not mad about this because people who she spoke the back off so badly are now the new bridsemaids but out of curiosity wondering how others would have dealt with this and who is in the wrong?

I had a friend who did this (male so obviously his GF and a boy easier for him to keep quiet) I was really hurt to have been excluded from
an important part of his life. I didn’t speak to him for a long time after - the fact he didn’t trust me told me everything I needed to know about the friendship.

im not surprised your supposed best friend is upset. It’s really hurtful and all trust will have gone.

You felt attacked because your friend stated a fact?

You can’t be best friends, talk daily and not mention anything pregnancy related and during this time get pregnant and give birth?!
Without some serious reason why you had to keep it a secret from her. If you can’t explain it, I would be distancing myself too, she’s realised you weren’t the friend she thought you were.

She obviously sees you as a friend and you don’t see her as a friend.

I can understand why she’d be hurt/blindsided.

I am sure she wouldn’t have invited you to be a bridesmaid if she knew you didn’t see her in the same way as she saw you.

You’re clearly not best friends… did you not see her at all when you were showing!? I’d be so so hurt if my “best friend” did this. It’s weird

Agree.

I cannot even fathom keeping this secret from a close friend of 20 years and then sending her a video saying surprise - ive had a baby. Like WTAF this is completely batshit.

If I was your friend I would be distancing too.

Do you watch a lot of reels on the internet? Surprise twins / gender reveals that nobody barring the immediate family really care about?

it feels absolutely weird to me to do this.

This

I did leave the house, school runs, shopping and appointments. My bump wasn't that big, so it was quite easy to conceal.
I was very unwell both physically and mentally, and when I gave birth and explained to family, they completely understood why, of course they felt hurt and I did apologise but I had to be, I suppose, selfish, and put myself, children and unborn baby first.
I did end up in hospital with PPD, after baby was born

I always end calls when my DP gets home from work or being out for the day because I find it rude to be on the phone in front of someone else and we usually have things to discuss.

I don’t think it’s that strange to wait till you are alone to make a call and it gives privacy to the person who called so you aren’t overheard discussing their business.

I do make calls in another room in the house or call someone back though, I just usually end a call to quickly greet my DP in person if I’m on the phone when he arrives so it’s not rude.

I'm reading these replies with interest, because if I'd been Sally this wouldn't have bothered me at all. I'd have assumed it was a tricky pregnancy or that OP had a reasoning from prior pregnancy experiences to keep things under wraps.

Congrats on baby no. 4 OP, hope this saga hasn't caused too much stress

OP is weird, so weird. I think the general consensus is you are totally unreasonable

Yeah, keeping a pregnancy secret for no reason comes across as a bit attention-seeking.

In the nicest way possible, people wouldn’t have given much thought to the pregnancy announcement, but withholding it and freezing people out has obviously had a big (negative) effect.

You are the one who behaved oddly here.

Your friend must be very hurt.

This is exactly it. There are implicit rules in any relationship, and if you break them, you do need to take responsibility for the impact that has on a relationship. Claiming the reaction of the other person, when you let them know that you had been breaking these rules/deceiving them, the whole time is the reason for the fall out, then you are not taking accountability for your actions.

I do appreciate that you are postpartum and vulnerable OP, but this guardedness, even if it was necessary, is not conducive to close female friendships. And you have learnt that the hard way at a difficult time, I'm afraid.

Op you weren't unreasonable to keep your pregnancy secret as that's totally your choice, equally Sally isn't being unreasonable to be hurt and cut contact because of that choice.

Also agree with this. If there werent certain expectations of at least some level of closeness, reciprocity, or honesty on both sides then friendships would be completely pointless and would no be different to the relationships you have with strangers you meet on the street.

I think its really disingenuous to go down the "noone has a right to know anything about you" route because no, technically they dont, but if you care about that person and actually want them to remain in your life in a friendship role then yes, you are going to have to give them something about yourself, otherwise what's the bloody point? they may as well be a stranger otherwise

Absolutely not main character, OHs family barley know my kids but that has nothing to do with this post. I only have my mum on my side of the family and both her and OH were working and unable to take the day off It was arranged and booked within a week there wasnt much time to organise had it been a few weeks notice I could have possibly had mum or OH for the kids or had it been the weekend after I would have sorted childcare but it wasn't and again that was her choice to book it for when she booked it I didnt complain, explained i was upset to be missing it but also let her know I hope she would have the best day and find the dress of her dreams.

I dont judge her for having a babysitter just mentioned it to make it clear that in hindsight we are 2 different people. I dont think babysitters are terrible i just chose not to have my kids stay out, again thats up to me and those who do different thats their perogative.

Nowhere did I ask anyone to "unpack":them. I'm comfortable with my choice and it was 0% an Issue for her after the initial shock.

I felt like she felt I'd done something wrong, without giving me a chance to say why. It's wasn't an issue after that. I was comfortable with my choice. I don't need anyone to understand or agree. I was just posting my experience.