Fell out with long term friend after keeping pregnancy quiet

[M231OTW]

Will keep it as short as I can without missing out important details.

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation.

I had 3 kids Sally had 1, but we very rarely done anything with the kids if we met up it would be to grab few bits while kids were at school same goes for the weekend, Sally liked to drink and had a babysitter every weekend. I dont drink and don't like anyone having my kids.

Sally is due to be married March 2027, I had been asked to be bridsemaid I agreed. Hen do is booked for January 2027, I paid deposit and wasnt supposed to start making regular payments until this month.

I fell pregnant and decided to keep my pregnancy a surprise and didn't tell Sally, didnt tell anyone apart from my mum and even then she didnt find out until near the end and of course I needed someone on standby for my other kids when labour came around.

Sally had booked a date to go pick dresses, didnt ask if it was suitable for anyone just booked it (her wedding her choice, I have no issues with that) but unfortunately I couldnt make the date as had no babysitter and also heavily pregnant at this point so wasnt mad that I couldnt make the date as I would have had to announce my pregnancy (couldnt hide it) and didnt want to take away from her day.

The dress was picked, the hen was booked i was attending the hen and organising shirts etc for said hen, baby would have been almost 12 months at date of hen so would have established eating routine etc by then.

Baby was born very quickly, I took a few days to get my head around it then let grandparent and aunts/uncles know then video called Sally to let her know.

Instantly knew Sally wasnt happy and she straight away asked about her wedding and hen, ensured her all would be ok its over a year away and that I would be there.

Then came the messages about how friends dont keep secrets like this, all while im 4 days postpartum, explained I wanted to keep it to myself my choice etc and it just went from there, I was banished from the hen party and we parted ways. Again im not mad about this because people who she spoke the back off so badly are now the new bridsemaids but out of curiosity wondering how others would have dealt with this and who is in the wrong?

To be fair, if OP does have ASD, this can (note I said 'can'! Not 'always does'!) cause a lack of self-awareness in some people.

However, I agree with you and the majority.

OP, if I were your friend and felt close to you I would be upset.
Because to me it would seem like you clearly didn't see ME as a close friend or indeed much of a friend at all, if you kept this from me. It's something I think your friend sees as you hiding to prove that you could, or just not feeling she was important at all (in the same vein I perhaps wouldn't tell a loose acquaintance, someone I saw now and again in the local shop/pub/cafe etc if I was pregnant). Your friend now is likely feeling that she was silly for regarding you as a friend because you clearly (going by this behaviour) did/do not see her as one.

I kept a pregnancy from everyone. I've suffered badly during pregnancy and postpartum with my mental health, and I needed to keep myself as well as possible for my other 2 children. People may think that it was odd/cruel/attention seeking but I was already struggling during the pregnancy and I didn't want the stress from others (there were always unwanted comments) making me worse.

Whilst very odd you didn’t mention pregnancy I also dont understand why you can’t meet up in person? Surely your partner can look after children?

the friendship clearly has no legs because you are not willing to meet up in person or disclose what is going on in your life

Very odd behaviour from you op. You don’t seem to like her much and don’t think she treats you well. Overall I don’t think it’s a friendship worth keeping.

Your decision not to tell the bride you were pregnant. 🤷‍♀️

Your friend included you in a big event in her life (her wedding). In fact, she asked you to be her bridesmaid.

You were going through a big event also (pregnancy and the impending birth of your baby), but you didn't include her in that big event.

You missed out on the day she arranged to pick out dresses. That's an important day if you're a bridesmaid. You said you didn't have a babysitter, but you also said you didn't want her to discover that you were pregnant. So there was an element of deceit on your part.

How many times did you speak to her on the phone over the course of your pregnancy? When she asked if you had any news, presumably you lied and said, "No". Or something along the lines of, "No news here - all quiet". So you probably lied to her multiple times.

I'd be pretty hurt and angry if I was in her shoes. I would totally understand it if there were medical issues, or you had a history of miscarriages, and you wanted to wait until late into the pregnancy to tell people. But not to tell her at all until the baby arrived? That's bizarre. As previous posters have said, anyone who saw you when you were visibly pregnant would have known. So why couldn't you tell your best friend at that stage?

Based on your later updates, it sounds like she wasn't the best friend to you anyway - didn't include you when she was planning nights out involving her other friends, only rang you when she had news to share and didn't ask you about your own life. So maybe this was your way of punishing her for not being the friend you wanted?

The only thing that concerns me about all of this is that your other friends all live abroad. So she was the only friend you have in the UK? Your life must be very busy right now, because you work and also care for four children. However, you may find yourself a bit lonely when your children have grown up and flown the nest. Just something to consider.

Anyway, hope your new baby is doing well.

I was going to say that uf my best friend didn't tell me about her pregnancy I would assume we were not as close as I thought. But it sounds like you're not actually really friends so is it such a nig deal if the friendship has ended?

Yeah I’d be gutted if any friend didn’t tell me she was pregnant until the baby was born 🤷‍♀️ you sound like a shitty friend tbh.

But it’s one of those threads where everyone will tell you this and you will still say it’s a totally normal and reasonable thing to do. Pointless posting really.

The whole secret baby issue has been covered (it's weird) but can we touch on this

Been "best friends" with Sally for 20 years, spoke almost daily but only when Sally was alone so if we were on a call and her partner was arriving home/arrived home the call would instantly be ended mid conversation

What's this all about? Is this the man she is marrying? Is she in a controlling relationship?

This. ^

Honestly wondering why you posted @M231OTW

If this happened to me I wouldn’t consider you a friend.

Your question, who is in the wrong….

Neither of you are. You had the right to keep your pregnancy secret and she has the right to feel upset by that.

As the keeper of the secret, and an unusual one at that, you had a responsibility to tell her kindly and gently and I am not sure a video call was a very fair way to do that. That was making it all about you and your big reveal. The kinder thing to do would have been to call and tell her your news and explain your reason why and allow her time to ask questions without a newborn being presented - when lets face it, all you can do is smile and say “well done, gorgeous” etc…whilst probably feeling confused and taken aback.

My honest opinion is that you have been a bit reckless with your friends feelings and need to suck up the fallout.

Presumably when deciding on a ‘silent’ pregnancy you weighed up the pros and cons and the risks were worth it?

Ps: was the pregnancy only ‘silent’ for those you chose to hide it from ie: anyone who wasnt close family, school mums, work colleagues, neighbours, close friends you did see within the 9 mths and who would have noticed your bump or heard the news ftom your kids (which by baby 4 can be hard to hide!)?

OP everyone is telling you that it's weird you kept the pregnancy from your best friend but you haven't budged an inch...

You say 'surprise'
Sally says 'shock'

I'm with Sally on this. You could have easily mentioned at say - six months in - "I am keeping this from most people and don't want to talk about it as it hasn't been straight forward, but I'm just letting you know I'm pregnant and the timing won't affect the wedding".

You say yourself you never see Sally, so you could have carried on in your bubble without being weird to your best friend.

The more you post, the less it seems you actually like Sally, so this is probably all for the the best.

But, it’s strange to me. I thought sharing the good/bad life news was a significant part of close friendships.

And you have three other children. I can only assume it was common knowledge amongst people they see and speak to? But not your best friend? I can see why she can’t get her round it.

Yes, as the OP clearly doesn’t think much of Sally, it’s unclear why she posted, as she’s presumably glad to be dispensed from talking daily to someone she didn’t like, and the bother of being bridesmaid to and organising T-shirts for the hen party of someone whose society is so irksome?

I didn't tell my oldest friend I was pregnant again. We lived hundreds of miles away so it was a text relationship. When I sent a message to say our son had been born she replied saying I'd kept that quiet. I felt attacked to be honest. I'd not told her as I'd had a miscarriage and I felt embarrassed to announce I was pregnant again and I can't really articulate why.

I also think that hiding your pregnancy is weird, and it is double weird that you can’t see it. (Or you can and are ignoring it)

You kept something really important from her, and she took the hint basically. You treated her like an acquaintance - she’s just reciprocating and showing the same energy. She probably feels so embarrassed.

So you literally only saw your mum and your DH and kids for the whole 4/5 months you were visibly pregnant? Surely not. That’s bloody mad! Just to announce some secret new baby?

I would find that absolutely batshit behaviour. How could you stop any single friend, colleague, neighbour, teacher at school, sibling etc etc etc etc from knowing you were pregnant??

You have a partner??

Respectfully, your feelings about why you were ‘embarrassed’ to tell your oldest friend you were pregnant, and why you couldn’t articulate the reason, are yours to unpack.

I can see why sally is upset.

and I suspect your DM is too.

they would both know that you shared this news with other people.

it’s very odd behaviour

Well, given that the OP has three older children, I don’t think anyone is going to believe they didn’t tell people outside the household, even if the OP hid in the house from the moment she began to show, and attended her midwife appointments clad in a giant dry robe and a mask.

Just a bit 🤔

How sis no one notice for 9 months? I wouldn’t be happy with my friend as that is really odd. If you had your reasons you need to explain them.