Advice for dating someone living with their ex

[NotOnAMonday]

I've met someone really nice, we are both in our 40s. I live with my adult son. He on the other hand has younger children and still lives with his ex. They can't afford to buy separate places big enough for them and the children even if they sold the place they own together now. They plan to stay in the apartment together for at least another couple of years.
He was very open about this from the beginning and I trust him. But it's not the easiest thing to live with. It's early days now and I imagine it will get more difficult as time goes on and we get closer?
I was wondering if anyone else had been in this situation and how they coped with it, any red flags to look out for etc

The red flag is he is living with his partner. Nothing good can come from this.

You trust him after knowing him how long??

dont.

The red flag is still living with his ex! Does she know shes an ex?!

Throw this one back til his separation is complete

I couldn’t proceed with that. It just screams drama trying to get involved with someone who is still entangled with the ex.

I feel if someone should resolve their own situation before jumping right into something new when they don’t even live alone. I am also immediately suspicious about the status of the relationship- how long have they been ‘separated’ and who is to say it’s permanent? (If they are even separated to begin with).

Don’t do it. Hrs nowhere near moved on enough to be starting another relationship and you’ll end up as his rebound.

Be very wary of men who jump straight out of one woman’s bed into the next without pausing for breath

They have been separated (but living together) for a couple of years. His ex is in a relationship.
Surely there must be lots of people in the same situation where they can't afford to move out?

No, they are not ready to be starting to date in the current circumstances. Too messy, too complicated, just so not the right time to get involved.

I’d let them know that you enjoy their company, but it’s not a suitable arrangement for you. Tell them to get in contact again when they are officially single and free to date. (do not let this man move in with you!!!)

Does it really take over 4 years to sort out separate housing though?

I can understand that can be the case for a year or so, but even so I don’t think dating can ever work out when people are still living with ex partners.

You also call it an apartment and they have more than one child, what is he telling you the sleeping arrangements are?

Have you been to his home? Have you met his ‘ex’?

Agree. I’d say short term while things get sorted is normal but several years?? No thanks

I lives with my ex for a year while we sorted out finances etc and to give our DS time to get used to it but neither of us dated until he moved out.

They can afford to move out. They could downsize to something cheaper. But they’re both making the choice to stay living together. Probably because they like their lifestyle and they’re both happy in their family unit. They may do this in a few years or they may get back together.
He’s not ready for a relationship and you won’t ever be a priority.
Leave and find someone who is actually single.

They really can't afford to buy a place each where they could house themselves and their children, even if they downsized. I think this is quite normal, not many people can afford to buy somewhere on their own now

Move on...

Don't.

Doesn't matter why, for whatever reason he simply isn't in a position to be dating right now.

I have been to his place and seen the living arrangements, they have separate rooms. I haven't met the ex but I have waited outside their front door while he dropped something off when she was at home

Tell him to call you when he has moved out and got his own place.

My advice is don’t do it. It’s not normal to choose to stay living together. And how old are the kids? What difference would a couple of years make? If for example if they are around 10 (you say they are young kids) so what difference would it make to the housing situation when the kids are say 12?

Don’t bring that kind of drama into your life.

any red flags to look out for etc

You mean apart from the fact he's living with his 'ex'?

Once she finds out, he'll be on your doorstep with his suitcase in hand, quicker than you can say 'cocklodger'.

So why not move out and rent a flat for a couple of years? That’s what most people do.

Living long term with an ex is not the norm

100% no one falls in love quicker than a man who needs a roof over his head

He can't afford rent on top of mortgage payments

He's looking to move in with you, rent free, as he apparently can't afford his own place.

People are not advising you to walk away because they are not understanding that housing costs are very challenging in the current climate.

It’s because from an outside perspective, the man is not emotionally or practically in a position to be dating, so the foundation of your relationship is starting on rocky and complicated ground. The boundaries are very blurred, and that’s not an appealing prospect to start out with someone.

Ive seen this scenario play out, what usually happens is it fast tracks the progression of your dating each other to him moving into your home much sooner than would happen if they were independent.

He doesn't want to live with me, he wants to live with his kids. He would have moved out already if he wasn't bothered about that

Okay, he wants to live with his kids and his ex partner.

How do you feel about that?