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Original poster

Advice for dating someone living with their ex

142 replies

NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 09:24

I've met someone really nice, we are both in our 40s. I live with my adult son. He on the other hand has younger children and still lives with his ex. They can't afford to buy separate places big enough for them and the children even if they sold the place they own together now. They plan to stay in the apartment together for at least another couple of years.
He was very open about this from the beginning and I trust him. But it's not the easiest thing to live with. It's early days now and I imagine it will get more difficult as time goes on and we get closer?
I was wondering if anyone else had been in this situation and how they coped with it, any red flags to look out for etc

OP posts:
HawthornFairy · 21/03/2026 09:56

Can you not see how messy this is? And how confusing for the children? If it was a month, maybe, even up to three months, but not any longer than that. It works for them, fine, but that’s because they are still in a family dynamic together, and you are not a priority at all in that.

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 09:58

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 21/03/2026 09:55

Okay, he wants to live with his kids and his ex partner.

How do you feel about that?

I am not happy about him living with his ex but I can understand the wanting to live with his kids bit and at the moment he can't do one without the other

OP posts:
EdieP · 21/03/2026 09:59

My advice would be don’t…

If he can’t afford to house himself and his children, this means you will never live together unless you subsidise him (and his ex, as he’ll probably be paying maintenance). Is that appealing?

Also, if he moves out with you, his kids will blame you.

I wouldn’t be keen personally, unless it’s an FWB type thing and you never intend to live together or progress to anything above casual.

catipuss · 21/03/2026 09:59

How ex is the ex, are they 'working it out' as they say. Do they share a bed, have dinner together every night and breakfast every morning? Forget it he's spoken for.

Brightbluesomething · 21/03/2026 10:03

OP, why are you asking a question then ignoring or disagreeing with all the responses? Are you waiting for the one poster who says this is ok so you can keep seeing a man who isn’t ready to date?
I’ve been in this situation and there are always options but they have consequences. They both move out and downsize, move further away to a cheaper area or rent. It’s pretty obvious that a single income won’t usually get you the same lifestyle as a two income household. There’s no ‘he can’t move out’. He can. But he doesn’t want to.
You want to keep seeing him. Despite many red flags. That’s on you and you deal with the inevitable consequences.

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 21/03/2026 10:05

That’s it really. You don’t feel comfortable with his existing setup, he is happy with it and does not want to change, so the choice is yours.

Walking away from potential is difficult, we build up what something could look like based on potential, rather than knowing the reality of someone doesn’t work for you.

You’re holding on to the idea that ‘I like this guy, we have a connection, I’ve not met someone I click with like this for a long time’ and wanting to build on that.

The reality of what you’re building on is complicated, messy and makes you feel uncomfortable.

Think of a relationship like growing a garden on an allotment. If you’ve been given a dud plot, with rocky foundations and inhospitable soil, scattering some lovely flower seeds over it doesn’t make a beautiful garden.

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 10:10

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 21/03/2026 10:05

That’s it really. You don’t feel comfortable with his existing setup, he is happy with it and does not want to change, so the choice is yours.

Walking away from potential is difficult, we build up what something could look like based on potential, rather than knowing the reality of someone doesn’t work for you.

You’re holding on to the idea that ‘I like this guy, we have a connection, I’ve not met someone I click with like this for a long time’ and wanting to build on that.

The reality of what you’re building on is complicated, messy and makes you feel uncomfortable.

Think of a relationship like growing a garden on an allotment. If you’ve been given a dud plot, with rocky foundations and inhospitable soil, scattering some lovely flower seeds over it doesn’t make a beautiful garden.

Yes, you are completely right. it is difficult to walk away from potential. At my age it is difficult to meet men I like and there is always "something" you have to compromise on.
But it doesn't feel like the best of starts

OP posts:
researchers3 · 21/03/2026 10:12

NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 09:30

They have been separated (but living together) for a couple of years. His ex is in a relationship.
Surely there must be lots of people in the same situation where they can't afford to move out?

I know someone in this scenario. I didn't believe it at the start but its definitely true, my friend has been invited over to his house.

It can work out but proceed with caution!

LeebLeefuhLurve · 21/03/2026 10:13

The audacity of this man to go into the dating scene when he is living with his ex! The bar for having your shit together to be a good relationship prospect gets lower each day. Honestly OP, it is not worth the headache.

While it might work for them and their children, it seems very convenient that there is absolutely no feasible alternative, unless, say, a sucker woman comes along to provide him with a roof over his head...

HappilyFreeNow · 21/03/2026 10:18

TwistedWonder · 21/03/2026 09:28

Don’t do it. Hrs nowhere near moved on enough to be starting another relationship and you’ll end up as his rebound.

Be very wary of men who jump straight out of one woman’s bed into the next without pausing for breath

Edited

This

Tel12 · 21/03/2026 10:21

You're at different stages in life. You could develop a meaningful long term relationship if you choose. On the other hand this guy is tied to his family for the foreseeable future. Who knows, it could be forever.

TwistedWonder · 21/03/2026 10:27

Having intimacy with him will be pretty restricted if he’s planning on staying living like a family under one roof for the foreseeable.

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 10:51

Brightbluesomething · 21/03/2026 10:03

OP, why are you asking a question then ignoring or disagreeing with all the responses? Are you waiting for the one poster who says this is ok so you can keep seeing a man who isn’t ready to date?
I’ve been in this situation and there are always options but they have consequences. They both move out and downsize, move further away to a cheaper area or rent. It’s pretty obvious that a single income won’t usually get you the same lifestyle as a two income household. There’s no ‘he can’t move out’. He can. But he doesn’t want to.
You want to keep seeing him. Despite many red flags. That’s on you and you deal with the inevitable consequences.

I don't want anyone's approval, I have already made the decision to keep seeing this guy. I understand that most people would see that as unwise and be sceptical but that's not what I was asking.
I trust him and I know that he is not still romantically involved with his ex, again people might think that's crazy but I trust him.
I am just really surprised that no one else is in the same situation considering how expensive housing costs are now

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 21/03/2026 10:52

NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 09:53

He doesn't want to live with me, he wants to live with his kids. He would have moved out already if he wasn't bothered about that

You are misunderstanding those posters.

He can't afford to move out to rent. Fine. But it would cost him nothing to move in with an understanding woman who has her own place. I mean, you are so understanding I doubt you would charge him rent or for bills etc. And he could have his kids 50/50 because you are so understanding. He might even apply for full custody because he's got a good woman, a house (yours) and can give them a better lifestyle due to his wages being solely for the kids instead of living costs. Oh, and he has reliable alternative childcare (you) so he can work.

You see it again and again and again on here. Everyone is shouting out to you to walk away. Why can't he be a lodger or spare room. Com just to get that little bit of separation - he's looking for a free home that's why.

TwistedWonder · 21/03/2026 10:57

It is a stretch financially to still be paying half the mortgage plus renting but for the majority of people it’s preferable to living under the same roof as their ex for years on end.

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 10:59

AutumnFroglets · 21/03/2026 10:52

You are misunderstanding those posters.

He can't afford to move out to rent. Fine. But it would cost him nothing to move in with an understanding woman who has her own place. I mean, you are so understanding I doubt you would charge him rent or for bills etc. And he could have his kids 50/50 because you are so understanding. He might even apply for full custody because he's got a good woman, a house (yours) and can give them a better lifestyle due to his wages being solely for the kids instead of living costs. Oh, and he has reliable alternative childcare (you) so he can work.

You see it again and again and again on here. Everyone is shouting out to you to walk away. Why can't he be a lodger or spare room. Com just to get that little bit of separation - he's looking for a free home that's why.

Show quote history

A lot of assumptions there...
I would never live with his kids because I just dont want to, his kids are teens he doesn't need childcare, if he moved in with me he would pay his way.
He wants to continue living with his children which is why he can't just rent a room somewhere.
I'm renting btw and in no position to financially support him

OP posts:
Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 11:02

TwistedWonder · 21/03/2026 10:27

Having intimacy with him will be pretty restricted if he’s planning on staying living like a family under one roof for the foreseeable.

He can stay at my house so that's not really a problem

OP posts:
SupervisorySpecialAgent · 21/03/2026 11:03

I think this doesn’t happen more often because most people would be hugely cautious of getting involved in this sort of set up. Yes, housing is expensive and if that is the genuine case here, should he really be dragging someone else into this unresolved situation? That would be my main question. He is still financially and emotionally tied to his ex, even if they do sleep in separate bedrooms. It takes living apart and having space to untangle emotionally and process the relationship to be able to move forward in a healthy manner. This man hasn’t done any of those things.

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 11:05

SupervisorySpecialAgent · 21/03/2026 11:03

I think this doesn’t happen more often because most people would be hugely cautious of getting involved in this sort of set up. Yes, housing is expensive and if that is the genuine case here, should he really be dragging someone else into this unresolved situation? That would be my main question. He is still financially and emotionally tied to his ex, even if they do sleep in separate bedrooms. It takes living apart and having space to untangle emotionally and process the relationship to be able to move forward in a healthy manner. This man hasn’t done any of those things.

Yes this is a very good point which I need to think about

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 21/03/2026 11:07

NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 11:02

He can stay at my house so that's not really a problem

Show quote history

Of course it’s a problem because your options are totally restricted by his living situation. It’s not a position to be in at a mature age to only be able to go to one person home imo.

If this does turn into a relationship, your choices are totally controlled by him and his circumstances. Are you happy to not live with him for several years because he’s still living with another woman?

TwistedWonder · 21/03/2026 11:09

SupervisorySpecialAgent · 21/03/2026 11:03

I think this doesn’t happen more often because most people would be hugely cautious of getting involved in this sort of set up. Yes, housing is expensive and if that is the genuine case here, should he really be dragging someone else into this unresolved situation? That would be my main question. He is still financially and emotionally tied to his ex, even if they do sleep in separate bedrooms. It takes living apart and having space to untangle emotionally and process the relationship to be able to move forward in a healthy manner. This man hasn’t done any of those things.

100% this. It takes time being truly single and having your own space to move forward and be in the right headspace to start another relationship.

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 11:11

TwistedWonder · 21/03/2026 11:07

Of course it’s a problem because your options are totally restricted by his living situation. It’s not a position to be in at a mature age to only be able to go to one person home imo.

If this does turn into a relationship, your choices are totally controlled by him and his circumstances. Are you happy to not live with him for several years because he’s still living with another woman?

Show quote history

I'm in no rush to move in with him

OP posts:
PennySweeet · 21/03/2026 11:16

NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 09:53

He doesn't want to live with me, he wants to live with his kids. He would have moved out already if he wasn't bothered about that

You said he can't afford to, not that he didn't want to.

Mark my words, you'll be housing him soon enough for free while he's helping his ex to keep a roof over his kid's heads.

Then he'll lock horns with your adult son who'll end up moving out, so he's king of the castle.

It's a tale as old as time.

outerspacepotato · 21/03/2026 11:19

Don't.

He is still enmeshed with his partner and will be for some years unless he decides to move into your place.

Is he divorced?

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 11:24

Yes agree with the enmeshed bit, they were together a long time

They weren't married

OP posts: