Advice for dating someone living with their ex

[NotOnAMonday]

I've met someone really nice, we are both in our 40s. I live with my adult son. He on the other hand has younger children and still lives with his ex. They can't afford to buy separate places big enough for them and the children even if they sold the place they own together now. They plan to stay in the apartment together for at least another couple of years.
He was very open about this from the beginning and I trust him. But it's not the easiest thing to live with. It's early days now and I imagine it will get more difficult as time goes on and we get closer?
I was wondering if anyone else had been in this situation and how they coped with it, any red flags to look out for etc

I dunno, I met my partner before my ex and I were able to sell the house. I was ready to move on, had been for a couple of years really.

I think the fact he’s planning to do this for years is going to become an issue though.

Many years ago I dated a man who still lived with his ex, in a house share, separate rooms since splitting. It was bloody awful as a dynamic for me. They were still “best friends” and, even went and bought a cat! Still pisses me off decades later although at least now I can kind of laugh at the absurdity of the situation. In hindsight (and my advice to you) is tell him you really like him and hope he will call you once he is living in his own place. Honestly OP if you don’t you are setting yourself up for a world of pain being at the bottom of his priority list: as an example you do realise you’ll be spending your Christmas alone while he is home with his ex and children. Please don’t. Walk away

I met someone who was 'seperated' from his wife. They are still together 6 years later.

My ex is in his 40s and we still live together and have young children. Wonder if it’s the same person 😂😂😂

Are you both dating other people then? If so, do you bring them back to the house. Do you both bring dates back to the house the same evening or take turns? Are the kids ok with it?

The thing is that his current scenario works very well for him. Sees his kids all the time, keeps his nice house and current standard of living, ex is relegated to housemate/childcare provider. Gets to spend a bit of romantic time with you at his convenience. He has no incentive to change anything. You'll never be part of his family, just the bit on the side.

If you would be happy living permanently in this set-up, go for it but don't get yourself involved on the hope that he will leave someday. The only way he leaves is if the ex kicks him out.

I think living with an ex will cause all sorts of problems. In every direction, but openness and peace of mind will help.

Oh OP you’re just not listening to anyone. Not one person has said that it’s a good idea to be dating this man. Not one!

And you seem very open to this cock lodger moving in with you eventually.

What about your adult son? You do know that wouldn’t work, don’t you?

And having his kids over for the weekend
and holidays? You’re open to that?

Probably still with her. Many men have spun me this yarn
It would suit me as I only want someone for fun here and there. Don't want someone in my face all the time, but it all depends what you want

As PP have suggested, if you are really serious about going ahead, ask him to arrange for you to meet up with him and his ex, to make sure you all agree the ground rules and are going into this situation with your eyes open.

The highest red flag for me is that you think that you would ultimately be better off if you ended up with him, a man who cannot afford to house himself and his children without help from his ex.

Don’t date someone who still lives with their ex, would be my advice.

If they were over this relationship they would have moved out. Housing costs are just an excuse, of course they could go and rent a room somewhere.

Buying isn't a necessity, they could rent?
Id suggest at the very least you meet the ex to hear from her that she's in a relationship!

I have also been in this situation and it turned out they had some weird separation agreement where they still lived in the same house together for the kids, but they could date other people.

I didn't believe it initially until I heard it from her, and turned out she didnt want it at all, but had proposed it as a "solution" when he said he was wanted to split, rather than actually separating. For many reasons that I won't go into here, he had agreed to this nonsense, but unsurprisingly it was an incredibly toxic situation which meant he did ultimately leave.

However I'd think very carefully whether you really want to be connected to this sort of setup when there is still so much entrenched in their relationship, and how that may impact on your wellbeing and the practicalities. It's still early days, you can walk away now!

However, if you do decide to see how it progresses with him, find out the REAL truth ASAP, I.e. how they both see it , not just how he tells it and ask lots of questions!
EG. if they are still living together "for the kids", do the kids know they are separated? Do they have separate rooms? Do they still do family things together? Will you be able to go and spend time with him at their house? Does the ex have her new partner over to their house? How long do they think this arrangement is viable for? What are they "waiting" for i.e. what needs to change before they live apart?

I know almost everyone on here will say it's the oldest line in the book, but in some instances there IS truth and some men do need support and guidance on HOW to actually leave bad relationships, just as some women do.

Sorry, but it wouldn’t be for me. It screams unprocessed emotional baggage and entanglement.

Also, you’ll be playing host forevermore! That would just plain annoy me.

In the current economic climate it is becoming common for people to split up romantically but not be able to afford to two separate homes when it is a struggle affording one on two incomes.

I think some of the people judging probably haven't gone house hunting as a singleton in a couple of decades.

If my husband fecked off and wanted half I really would be in a wretched position, and if all the separated individual could afford would be a hostel full of rats and drug addicts, you can't blame people for staying put especially when they have children.

You haven't said you're planning to marry the guy, just that you are dating and I don't see anything wrong with that as long as everything is above board and his ex does actually know the relationship is over.

My partner was living with his ex when we got together. His children were grown up, but their expectation had been that they would remain friends / domestic partners while being free to date others. Meeting me, and realising that what we had was more than casual dating, changed that.
Although I trusted completely that they were not having sex, they were clearly enmeshed with a comfortable domestic set up and I didn't know for sure how he would feel when / if that changed and he had to face the reality of life without it.
It sounds like a recipe for disaster, and we regularly joked about asking mumsnet for advice, knowing that it'd be a unanimous "run for the hills" but I can honestly say that our relationship is rock solid.
Only you know what you have together, and while all the advice here is understandable the people giving it don't know you, your partner or the situation in any detail. I won't pretend it's all been plain sailing for me, but good communication and trust on both sides have made it work, and I'm very glad indeed that I didn't walk away.