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Original poster

Advice for dating someone living with their ex

142 replies

NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 09:24

I've met someone really nice, we are both in our 40s. I live with my adult son. He on the other hand has younger children and still lives with his ex. They can't afford to buy separate places big enough for them and the children even if they sold the place they own together now. They plan to stay in the apartment together for at least another couple of years.
He was very open about this from the beginning and I trust him. But it's not the easiest thing to live with. It's early days now and I imagine it will get more difficult as time goes on and we get closer?
I was wondering if anyone else had been in this situation and how they coped with it, any red flags to look out for etc

OP posts:
Emmz1510 · 21/03/2026 16:40

NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 09:24

I've met someone really nice, we are both in our 40s. I live with my adult son. He on the other hand has younger children and still lives with his ex. They can't afford to buy separate places big enough for them and the children even if they sold the place they own together now. They plan to stay in the apartment together for at least another couple of years.
He was very open about this from the beginning and I trust him. But it's not the easiest thing to live with. It's early days now and I imagine it will get more difficult as time goes on and we get closer?
I was wondering if anyone else had been in this situation and how they coped with it, any red flags to look out for etc

Fuck that would be my advice

1457bloom · 21/03/2026 16:40

This is really common, just wait it out.

PocketSand · 21/03/2026 16:42

He says his ex is in a relationship - how does this work? Do their DC know? Is it a secret relationship? Is he around the house when your boyfriend is there? Does he sleep over? I imagine awkward breakfasts.

This sounds like playing happy families for the sake of the children but really doesn’t make sense since you said they are teens. I think they would cope better with actually separated parents pursuing new relationships than parents living together and pursuing new relationships. This is prioritising housing stability over emotional stability ie adult needs for housing stability plus the excitement of a new relationship over young adult needs for emotional stability.

OP you said you would not leave your kids but would you wish this situation on them? You are a single parent and you haven’t said whether their father is involved. Maybe this is colouring your judgement.

To my mind a good parent would not adopt this set up unless it was very short term and the children were very young. You say that HE wants to live with his children/teens but is it is their best interests.

You portray him as sacrificing his needs for the sake of his DC. He’s really not. This is the biggest red flag.

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 17:05

PocketSand · 21/03/2026 16:42

He says his ex is in a relationship - how does this work? Do their DC know? Is it a secret relationship? Is he around the house when your boyfriend is there? Does he sleep over? I imagine awkward breakfasts.

This sounds like playing happy families for the sake of the children but really doesn’t make sense since you said they are teens. I think they would cope better with actually separated parents pursuing new relationships than parents living together and pursuing new relationships. This is prioritising housing stability over emotional stability ie adult needs for housing stability plus the excitement of a new relationship over young adult needs for emotional stability.

OP you said you would not leave your kids but would you wish this situation on them? You are a single parent and you haven’t said whether their father is involved. Maybe this is colouring your judgement.

To my mind a good parent would not adopt this set up unless it was very short term and the children were very young. You say that HE wants to live with his children/teens but is it is their best interests.

You portray him as sacrificing his needs for the sake of his DC. He’s really not. This is the biggest red flag.

That is such a good point about emotional stability over housing stability.
The kids know that they have separated and are dating, no new partners are allowed to stay over.
I do wonder what kind of atmosphere there is in the house and if this is healthy for the kids.

The alternative is that they get on really well, which might mean that they are too emotionally involved for my liking.

OP posts:
BreakingBroken · 21/03/2026 17:08

a close family member has made it work BUT the new partner is fully aware of the financial picture (and by fully i mean fully all accounts all incoming and outgoings provided by the ex). the home is large and besides separate bedrooms the bedrooms are on different levels of the home. the home is on the market. finances allows for outsourced childcare.
ex frequently stays at a second home in europe; stints of at least 3 weeks.
when ex is back in the home he is a good father (to the best of his abilities) and the family member is able to stay extended days at the new partners.
both the new partner and the ex partner are mature.
family members children are school age, new partner's children are at uni.

no one appears to suffer from jealousy, the family members new partner is easy going.

besides the housing market, challenges involve primary schools.

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 17:12

millymollymoomoo · 21/03/2026 15:51

Well look it’s not ideal

but, as someone who lived with their ex for a few years while separating and divorcing and selling house ( timings to try not to blow up kids lives while doing GCSEs etc) I can say that

I) there were no romantic feelings
2) no shared intimate moments
3) no intimate chats
4) no desire to have sex or anything else, far from it, even if drink had been had
5) we did not holiday together
6) we did not go out together at all
7) we lived separate lives

now, it is complicated and not everyone could do it but sometimes, it’s the financial and practical way

what I would say is is there a deadline ? And not a movable one ? Is that a real reason ? Could an alternative be resolved sooner realistically ? Can they afford one to move out ? Does his ex and family know about you ? Those are the things I’d saying that if they don’t that’s a red flag

Edited

Their situation sounds similar to that.
To answer your question, ex and family know about me.
They have a deadline of two years to cover GCSEs and A levels
Neither can afford to move out, they don't earn a lot of money.

OP posts:
Willsmer · 21/03/2026 17:13

Having his cake etc...

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 17:17

ForJollyViewer · 21/03/2026 16:25

Wouldnt both of them get financial help as single parents if they lived apart which woud possibly help with his rental cost. I don't think they are taking the split seriously and also adds confision for their kids longterm. Lots of people find away to do it and manage, hes just not intrested at all in a fresh start. If hes serious about you he will take steps to move out and move on without you putting a roof over his head

I have wondered about this, I guess they would get some financial support but I would doubt they'd get any help with rent as they own a house.
And I agree about the confusion for the kids.

It's still early days so even if he wasn't living with his ex we wouldn't be thinking of planning to move in together yet

OP posts:
category12 · 21/03/2026 17:17

NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 17:05

That is such a good point about emotional stability over housing stability.
The kids know that they have separated and are dating, no new partners are allowed to stay over.
I do wonder what kind of atmosphere there is in the house and if this is healthy for the kids.

The alternative is that they get on really well, which might mean that they are too emotionally involved for my liking.

Show quote history

If this is true, then I think you should meet the ex. Have a cuppa and chat.

That should either put your mind at rest or not.

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 17:21

category12 · 21/03/2026 17:17

If this is true, then I think you should meet the ex. Have a cuppa and chat.

That should either put your mind at rest or not.

Show quote history

Yes, that would be sensible I think

OP posts:
NotThisAgainSunshine · 21/03/2026 17:22

It will end in tears.

And believe me, his ex-wife having a partner means nothing.

Take it from someone that was his ex-wife in this scenario.

My advice would be to never get involved with anyone in this situation, or someone who has recently split up where there are children involved.

NotThisAgainSunshine · 21/03/2026 17:25

…a cuppa and a chat with you, would have been meaningless, but you wouldn’t have known that. It’s called the long game.

NurseRunner · 21/03/2026 17:32

millymollymoomoo · 21/03/2026 15:51

Well look it’s not ideal

but, as someone who lived with their ex for a few years while separating and divorcing and selling house ( timings to try not to blow up kids lives while doing GCSEs etc) I can say that

I) there were no romantic feelings
2) no shared intimate moments
3) no intimate chats
4) no desire to have sex or anything else, far from it, even if drink had been had
5) we did not holiday together
6) we did not go out together at all
7) we lived separate lives

now, it is complicated and not everyone could do it but sometimes, it’s the financial and practical way

what I would say is is there a deadline ? And not a movable one ? Is that a real reason ? Could an alternative be resolved sooner realistically ? Can they afford one to move out ? Does his ex and family know about you ? Those are the things I’d saying that if they don’t that’s a red flag

Edited

Glad it’s not just me!
Fully agree on all of points 1-7 - there have been none of those!

CamillaMcCauley · 21/03/2026 17:33

Call me shallow but I wouldn’t date a man who was financially insecure enough to be unable to afford to independently house himself and his children.

It’s a bad sign if someone has gotten to midlife and can’t afford the costs of the life they’ve chosen without being financially enmeshed with another person.

FlibbertyGibbitt · 21/03/2026 17:39

I did this. My advice to you would be to walk away now.

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 17:50

CamillaMcCauley · 21/03/2026 17:33

Call me shallow but I wouldn’t date a man who was financially insecure enough to be unable to afford to independently house himself and his children.

It’s a bad sign if someone has gotten to midlife and can’t afford the costs of the life they’ve chosen without being financially enmeshed with another person.

Fair enough. He's got more money than me so I would be better off in the long term if we got together.

OP posts:
Jollyhockeystickss · 21/03/2026 17:54

NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 17:05

That is such a good point about emotional stability over housing stability.
The kids know that they have separated and are dating, no new partners are allowed to stay over.
I do wonder what kind of atmosphere there is in the house and if this is healthy for the kids.

The alternative is that they get on really well, which might mean that they are too emotionally involved for my liking.

Show quote history

So in this flat there are at least 4 bedrooms then!

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 17:56

Jollyhockeystickss · 21/03/2026 17:54

So in this flat there are at least 4 bedrooms then!

Show quote history

Yes it's a 4 bed

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 21/03/2026 18:04

How did you meet each other, OP?

CamillaMcCauley · 21/03/2026 18:10

NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 17:50

Fair enough. He's got more money than me so I would be better off in the long term if we got together.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t count on that. You might be underestimating how long costs associated with his children will go on for or how much financial catching-up he has to do after a divorce. There’s no guarantee any of that money will be directed your way.

Original poster
NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 18:10

TheSquareMile · 21/03/2026 18:04

How did you meet each other, OP?

Online dating

OP posts:
Starseeking · 21/03/2026 18:14

I don’t understand why they would be planning to stay in the same place for another couple of years when they have supposedly split up? I would tell him you don’t want to be involved until he’s disentangled from this situation (that includes moving out!).

AngelinaFibres · 21/03/2026 18:31

NotOnAMonday · 21/03/2026 09:30

They have been separated (but living together) for a couple of years. His ex is in a relationship.
Surely there must be lots of people in the same situation where they can't afford to move out?

Hes living with an ex ( are they still married).
He has small children. You've finished with all that.
He doesn't have enough money to buy a decent sized house of his own in his 40s.
Nope throw him back. You'll only ever be at your house which means you'll cook and shop and tidy everytime he comes over. He'll either be a guest forever or he'll want to move in with you. Get rid.

TheSquareMile · 21/03/2026 18:42

You've said that they aren't actually married, OP.

Has he been to see a solicitor for advice on his situation? He should, he really should.

I wonder whether the best solution would be for the current 4 bedroom family home to be sold this year; she could buy a small flat for her and the children and he could rent until he is in a position to buy.

It's a situation which really needs advice from a solicitor.

Pinkissmart · 21/03/2026 18:48

He’s still entangled. I sure wouldn’t want to get involved.