Advice for dating someone living with their ex

[NotOnAMonday]

I've met someone really nice, we are both in our 40s. I live with my adult son. He on the other hand has younger children and still lives with his ex. They can't afford to buy separate places big enough for them and the children even if they sold the place they own together now. They plan to stay in the apartment together for at least another couple of years.
He was very open about this from the beginning and I trust him. But it's not the easiest thing to live with. It's early days now and I imagine it will get more difficult as time goes on and we get closer?
I was wondering if anyone else had been in this situation and how they coped with it, any red flags to look out for etc

OP I know you're looking for someone to say this is fine and normal. You might get the response you want eventually from someone.

This situation is a mess. A man who chooses to live with his ex and doesn't want to live with you? Ok, so he wants to be with his children but for how long? 10 years, another 15 years? Are you happy to be on the side lines for that long?

If his ex and her new partner decide to live together or get married he'll be out of there anyway, despite what he wants. That's the point you'll be reeled in. You are the back up plan if you accept it.

Do they holiday together?
What about if you want to go on holiday with him? Can he afford to do both?

Do they cook and eat together? Does he stay in if she goes out? Does he ferry the kids about? Do they share household chores? Do they do joint washing? Would one still go into the bathroom while the other was in the shower? Does they go to each other’s family celebrations?

They say they’re separated but they’re still as familiar as they ever were, they just don’t have sex. It’s still a fully engaged familial relationship. Still intimate. Still chock-full of shared life.

You say you trust him, I assume you mean you trust he’s not having sex with someone else. But you know as well as anyone that relationships are not solely about sex. He shares the minutiae of his life with someone else. That’s intimacy.

That’s what you will be dealing with.

Nope, wouldn’t go there.

Not many women would see the potential in a man still so financially and emotionally and physically enmeshed with their ex. He's living at home with all the comforts of home with his ex partner of years while wanting to have a gf despite the new relationship that won't go anywhere else for years unless he moves into new woman's place. And teenagers.

I wouldn't touch that one with a barge pole. Does he have a 10 year plan?

He doesn’t have to be romantically involved with his ex. He just needs a lonely night in which he has drunk a bit more than usual for something to happen with her, fwb, one off, I was drunk, she likes it once in a while….

That's fine OP, but you did ask for red flags. And there are a lot of those flags waving right now.

I'm really not looking for anyone to say that this is fine and normal, I know it's not.
It's too early for us to be thinking about living together.
He is planning on moving out in 2 years maximum, before that if they can come up with a solution

Yes but real red flags to look out for, not hypothetical ones

Yes that is a possibility, which is more possible if they are living together

I've just moved in to my own place after a year of 'living together separated' i didn't even contemplate dating during this time (fantasized yes, but there was no way I'd have acted on it).
It's disrespectful to everyone involved.

I don't know about the comforts of home, he is not being looked after by her

Yes, thank you, these are all the things that I am thinking of. All the boundaries that should be in place

He’s not giving you the whole truth, people don’t comfortably live together as exes while moving on with other people, it’s not the right time, if she really is an ex I’d be worried you’re in the mix just because he wants to show her he’s moved on rather than really wanting to be in another relationship, which imo he can’t be truly over emotionally yet when they live together. Worst case, he’s lying just to shag you.

Doesn’t it bother you that he gets out of your bed and goes home to another woman and lives a family life?

They share the comforts of home just like they did before they broke up. There's been no disruption. If he wasn't comfortable, he would move.

I don't know about that. I wouldn't leave my kids just because I wasn't comfortable

Ugh. Anyone who has been through a separation knows the really awful, messy bit is well, separating everything. He hasn't even begun that process. I wouldn't touch this one with a bargepole. I expect he's being the boyfriend you want him to be so he can draw you in and stay at yours at times. And then eventually move in, keeping his money from the sale of his flat for himself.

No way would I get involved in this. Those poor kids.

Eh? So one or both of them rents then, or goes for Shared Ownership or whatever. I wasn’t even working when I divorced (got made redundant a few before) but we managed, just like anyone else would. Sell the joint home, take your share of the equity and other assets and move on.

Your new boyfriend sounds uncommitted and/or a bit pathetic.

Why date someone with “potential”? That’s already starting from a point of lack. You should want more for yourself, people treat you how you expect to be treated. Aim for the moon….

Red flags for me are:

1. still financially linked to ex
2. still emotionally linked to ex
3. no house currently on the market
4. no time to get over the relationship
5. many excuses for him to not move forward - money, kids etc when it could all be sorted if he wanted to.
6. he’s ok dragging another woman into this mess that he is in without considering her feelings or the complications involved.
7. he’s ok causing confusion to his children that he claims is the only reason he is living there but he is introducing them into a situation that is going to harm them emotionally.

There just seem to be too many excuses on his part. Many parents have to spend time away from their children when they separate, that’s just how it goes. There’s 2 choices, he either stays living with his kids and therefore stays as a family unit or he accepts that a full separation is needed to move on and not confuse the children. He seems to want both, which is not realistic.

When I separated from exh he moved in with his parents and I stayed in the family home with the dc until it had sold and then downsized.

That is a common scenario as living together when separated is really awful and no way to live if you genuinely want out of the relationship and therefore not fair on the kids either.

I wonder if it's more of an open relationship from his and his ex's point of view?
Happy for each other to see and date other people, live together as companions/ co-parents and share the costs of the joint life they built up together?
They must get on extremely well together to be able to 'separate' but they don't appear to be actually separated in any way at all. They just don't share a bed/bedroom and don't have sex with each other.

He may not have told you this as he may be concerned this would put you off. It's clear you want a 'normal' exclusive set up that has 'potential' to develop into something stable and long term. If he had told you from the start that they've agreed to an open relationship and are free to date others but want to carry on their family set up would you have got involved with him?

Do you want to be a 'third'?

Sure he will be moving in soon then with you

they need to sell the place. They hopefully would have made money and buy a smaller place with mortgage or forever rent

To give you a comparison OP, me and my husband agreed we were separating in October. I found a house to buy in November. Cheaper and a bit further away/ less bedrooms etc. so I could afford it. Our family house went on the market in Jan. Sold in Feb. We’re doing the legals now and moving in May. I wouldn’t date until we’re no longer in the house together as it’s tacky in my view. Point being, these things can move quickly if you want them to, and he doesn’t. I’d find someone else OP, just my two cents.

Really not normal, the one without the children moves out and rents a room in someone’s house no need to sell.
the red flags are flying high, if he hasn’t moved out he is clinging to their relationship.