Advice for dating someone living with their ex

[NotOnAMonday]

I've met someone really nice, we are both in our 40s. I live with my adult son. He on the other hand has younger children and still lives with his ex. They can't afford to buy separate places big enough for them and the children even if they sold the place they own together now. They plan to stay in the apartment together for at least another couple of years.
He was very open about this from the beginning and I trust him. But it's not the easiest thing to live with. It's early days now and I imagine it will get more difficult as time goes on and we get closer?
I was wondering if anyone else had been in this situation and how they coped with it, any red flags to look out for etc

If I was absolutely desperate for a man I'd probably have one with lived with his ex and had no money. But I'm not, so I don't.

Who did he spend Christmas Day with? And Mothers Day?

He is living with her and presumably they get on well enough to be able to do this. They are bringing up their children together and they are financially tied to each other. They may not be having sex with each other but they are basically living as a couple in all other ways. You are like the bit on the side or the second mormon wife.

I'd want not to be kept on the doorstep while he gets something.

If what he says is true, you can be introduced to his ex and you can go into his house.

If the kids are teens and aware their parents are no longer together and haven't been for ages, you can also be introduced to them as someone he's dating.

If you can't do anything of those things, it's really suss.

Why cant he afford a mortgage does he not earn good money, they will have made money on the flat, so you can never go round his place , and it must be huge if they have a bedroom each, why would you want to be with someone whos not free and cant get a mortgage, where is he gojng to live eventually? If he cant afford it now he never will...the least you can do is turn up when the kids are at school and ex wifely is at work and insist he shows you around to see where his bedroom is

What might seem easy enough to accept now could become more difficult as time moves on and he and the relationship start to mean more to you. I suppose only you know if you are happy for this situation to continue for the next couple of years or even longer. There is no guarantee either of them will ever move out and find a place of their own. Personally it wouldn't do for me. I have had relationships where the man has been practically best friends with his ex and while it was ok in the early days, had it lasted any longer I think it would have worn a bit thin.

I know two people doing exactly this. It’s not that uncommon with the cost of housing these days.

Why do they have to buy? They can rent like normal people!

Agree. Everyone I know in this position one moved out then has rented for a few years til the kids are older and either the house is sold or one buys the other out.

Living long term with the ex isn’t a healthy dynamic for anyone, especially the kids who will be really confused. And even less healthy if the adults are dating other people

I couldn't do it.

Even if it feels like they are playing happy families-it just feels so wrong.

Do they all sit round the table and have meals together?
Share a bathroom?
Laundry?
Cook together/buy food together?
Do the DC know?

So many red flags for me on this one it is practically bunting

Sorry but I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all (I'm quite a jealous person). I don't care if he's living in a tent, as long as he's not still living with his ex!

"They have been separated (but living together) for a couple of years. His ex is in a relationship."

Seems she's managed it?

Don’t.

He is planning on moving out in 2 years maximum, before that if they can come up with a solution

So what will change in his finances in 2 years time?

Btw, you will be in the 0.01% of people that would accept this. Not being harsh but he wouldn't have much choice as I can't see many women tolerating this setup...unless it's FWB or open relationship.

You can do better than this. No one needs 4 years to separate from their spouse. Clearly he wants to remain living there. You say he can't afford to live separately but it's hard for everyone in this situation. How will they afford to live separately in 2 years? What changes in those 2 years? They need to sell the family house split the equity and either downsize or rent like thousands of others do.

If they can't afford a house each then one solution is for them is to rent/buy an affordable flat or studio. The children stay in the family home all the time and the parents use the flat on their non contact days.

If they can amicably live together, and raise their children in the same family home, and neither feels that the step down in their lifestyle is worth the disruption, then I think you have accidentally signed up to play a bit part in an open relationship.

My ex husband and I are still living in the same house! Separated for over 3 yrs, divorced for 1 yr.
Financial reasons are obvious, but also for the children’s education. Both in 6th form now and doing very well at school, neither of us wanted to disrupt their education or friend groups. They’ll be off to university in the next couple of years, so that’s when we plan to live separately.
in an ideal world I wouldn’t choose this, but things are rarely ideal are they!

Ok, but wait until your lives are actually separate before you bring new partners into them.

Those of you who live with your ex partners, how does dating work for you? Do you bring your dates back to your rooms for sex? Do you ever both bring a date back on a saturday night? Doesn't it upset the kids?

Well look it’s not ideal

but, as someone who lived with their ex for a few years while separating and divorcing and selling house ( timings to try not to blow up kids lives while doing GCSEs etc) I can say that

I) there were no romantic feelings
2) no shared intimate moments
3) no intimate chats
4) no desire to have sex or anything else, far from it, even if drink had been had
5) we did not holiday together
6) we did not go out together at all
7) we lived separate lives

now, it is complicated and not everyone could do it but sometimes, it’s the financial and practical way

what I would say is is there a deadline ? And not a movable one ? Is that a real reason ? Could an alternative be resolved sooner realistically ? Can they afford one to move out ? Does his ex and family know about you ? Those are the things I’d saying that if they don’t that’s a red flag

And we never brought dates back to the house
and certainly were not living like a couple

If he can stay at your house, then he doesn't need to be surgically attached to his kids does he? There is absolutely ZERO reason why he shouldn't be renting. They are teens, they would likely stay in the home house anyway and just see him when they want.

Either he's playing happy families, or he's seperated. It doesn't take years to sort out. Why would he need to pay rent and a mortgage... he would get a divorce and just pay maintenance

Lots of people end up in the situation where they stay in the marital home but honestly it shouldn't last more than a year.

He doesn't have his shit together.

Wouldnt both of them get financial help as single parents if they lived apart which woud possibly help with his rental cost. I don't think they are taking the split seriously and also adds confision for their kids longterm. Lots of people find away to do it and manage, hes just not intrested at all in a fresh start. If hes serious about you he will take steps to move out and move on without you putting a roof over his head

Advice? Don’t do it.

How often do you see each other ?