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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Estranged father now very ill, wife asking me to step in

139 replies

Bitsandbobs2 · 19/03/2026 05:02

Hello everyone!
Very long story - my dad left us for other women when I was 14. It destroyed our lives completely. My mum had a depression, I was the only child looking after my mum, struggled financially, emotionally. I had mental health issues myself and was looking for "comfort " dating older guys,etc. It literally took years and lots of counselling/medication to get through this. I don't think my mother recovered at all, we both still struggling to maintain our relationship because of it.
My dad knew we were in s*it, however he didn't seem interested. I was NC with him for 10 years.
Until...he had a stroke and his second wife called me as she thought he'll die. He survived, we started to see each other. I helped him financially a lot as he had a daughter with second wife while in really bad financial situation, at one point I paid for their bills, food, etc for months. I realised he using me financially, cut the contact again. He was trying to reach me out, however, since my financial support stopped - he was very cold, we literally exchanged messages "how are you doing " and that's it for 5 more years.
He is an alcoholic, lost his kidneys, dialysis every day and having serious health issues. He is at the hospital now and doctors said his legs will need to be amputated today/tomorrow. I called his wife and she said he is really bad mental state. I called him, messaged him - no answer. Then she calls me again and asking to step in, to come back (I'm originally not from UK), support him,etc.
However, i don't want to do it. I've been really emotional today as I remembered how I was illegally working at 14 after school, coming back home to take care of my mum, having 4 hours sleep before school next day. He didn't care, why I should care about him now?
I know I'll probably feel guilty later, but what are your thoughts on this? I don't have anyone to speak about it...

OP posts:
Passwordsaremynemesis · 19/03/2026 05:04

Don’t do it. You owe him nothing.

OntheOtherFlipper · 19/03/2026 05:05

No, you don’t need to do this. Take care of yourself, it’s time.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 19/03/2026 05:06

I think your feelings are valid. He abandoned you at a young age. He sounds very poorly.. I don’t think you should provide care for someone like this.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/03/2026 05:07

No don't do it.

Baconking · 19/03/2026 05:08

You owe him nothing so don't feel guilty.

Time to put yourself first

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 19/03/2026 05:13

Don’t do this, he isn’t owed your help just because you are biologically related to him, if he had been a decent parent you would t even be asking yourself this question x

goldenplacemat · 19/03/2026 05:17

He is not your responsibility.

Tigercrane · 19/03/2026 05:17

Please don't feel guilty it sounds as if you have done quite a bit for him considering he left you and your mum with nothing.
If you don't want ro offer more you really don't have to offer any more support, he has a wife and second child they can help him out.

Zanatdy · 19/03/2026 05:19

You’re well within your rights to say no. You mention you will probably feel guilty later, but you’ve no reason to. Where was he when you and your mum were struggling? No-where to be seen. You need to remember that if you do feel bad later on. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

Lampzade · 19/03/2026 05:29

You have done more than most people would have done considering he abandoned you
He is not your problem
His wife wants to saddle you with her husband .Dont do it
This serves as a lesson to those who abandon their kids . You don’t know what is around the corner

Mapletree1985 · 19/03/2026 05:29

He wouldn't do it for you.He's just a guy who thinks you'll step into the caring role because you're a woman.

itsallabouttheorange · 19/03/2026 05:31

You and that 14 year old really need someone to put you first for once and prioritise your needs. Show the love and care for yourself that your father didn't and don't go.

Nothinglikeagoodbook · 19/03/2026 05:35

No. He is not your responsibility. You’ve sent messages etc. which is good, but there’s no need at all for you to get involved in his care.

Tablesandchairs23 · 19/03/2026 05:36

You don't owe him anything. Ignore the request and protect yourself.

ChaToilLeam · 19/03/2026 05:41

No, and please don't feel any guilt about that. This man has brought nothing good to your life and has only been in touch when he wanted something from you. He has been no kind of father to you and you don't owe him anything. His wife and other child can take care of him now.

Daysgo · 19/03/2026 05:42

I wouldnt go, he treated you appallingly, you owe him nothing. And you have no reason to feel any guilt, you have already done way more for him than he ever did for you. Look after yourself, op

Wallywobbles · 19/03/2026 05:44

By an accident of birth you are related. Being a father is nothing to do with that it’s all the other stuff. So he isn’t your father in any of the ways that count.

itsgettingweird · 19/03/2026 05:45

No don’t do it.

o think it speaks volumes his wife and other DD aren’t volunteering for the role.

Tacohill · 19/03/2026 05:45

No.
He literally doesn’t care about you unless you can do something for him.

He’s a user.

Thundertoast · 19/03/2026 05:47

itsallabouttheorange · 19/03/2026 05:31

You and that 14 year old really need someone to put you first for once and prioritise your needs. Show the love and care for yourself that your father didn't and don't go.

This is really beautiful. Couldn't agree more. Wishing you peace of mind on this OP.

thepariscrimefiles · 19/03/2026 05:57

You owe your father absolutely nothing. He treated you terribly and his actions ruined your childhood as you needed to work, illegally, at the age of 14 and be a carer for your mother. You have also previously (inexplicably) supported him and his second family financially for months until you realised that your father was just using you and was incapable of showing you any love, gratitute or remorse for how he had treated you.

You need to cut all ties and all avenues of communication permanently. He is not your problem.

Bitsandbobs2 · 19/03/2026 05:57

Thank you everyone, I really can't help them even if I would like to, I recently started divorce process with my husband, then found out he has serious health problems too, so I have enough on my plate at the moment. I can't believe I'm saying this but my situation makes me feel better as I know at least I'll be able to concentrate on my problems ONLY...
Yes, I really needed my dad multiple times during my life and he never showed up even when knew I'm in bad situations, need support, etc.
I'm just feeling sad...

OP posts:
moose62 · 19/03/2026 05:58

He left you to pick up the pieces as a child, then used you financially as an adult. Now his wife wants to use you to look after him. She made her bed, so did he.
You have done enough.
Go no contact again and try to move on without the guilt trip.

Bitsandbobs2 · 19/03/2026 06:06

thepariscrimefiles · 19/03/2026 05:57

You owe your father absolutely nothing. He treated you terribly and his actions ruined your childhood as you needed to work, illegally, at the age of 14 and be a carer for your mother. You have also previously (inexplicably) supported him and his second family financially for months until you realised that your father was just using you and was incapable of showing you any love, gratitute or remorse for how he had treated you.

You need to cut all ties and all avenues of communication permanently. He is not your problem.

I went through hell. I still have nightmares about it almost 20 years later. I don't even know how I survived. I remember leaving my mum in the bed crying then coming back with fear that she overdose medications. Meltdowns, blaming me. I was suicide lots of times and found comfort dating older guys who used me.
I won't deny that I miss my dad sometimes, but as a mom of 2 by myself - I can't even imagine hurting my kids like he did it to me.
Thank you everyone who replying and supporting, it really helps me.

OP posts:
ArtAngel · 19/03/2026 06:06

It is sad because he will never be that Dad you could have had, the Dad who you needed, the Dad who gave you unconditional love.

You know now that nothing you do will ever turn him into that Dad.

You can’t really do anything anyway. His wife probably wants more of your money.

Look after yourself OP, stepping back into his alcoholic, manipulative, emotionally cold clutches is not a safe step.

Give yourself credit for the courage and confidence to look after yourself after a lifetime of lack of support, rather than guilt!