Estranged father now very ill, wife asking me to step in

[Bitsandbobs2]

Hello everyone!
Very long story - my dad left us for other women when I was 14. It destroyed our lives completely. My mum had a depression, I was the only child looking after my mum, struggled financially, emotionally. I had mental health issues myself and was looking for "comfort " dating older guys,etc. It literally took years and lots of counselling/medication to get through this. I don't think my mother recovered at all, we both still struggling to maintain our relationship because of it.
My dad knew we were in s*it, however he didn't seem interested. I was NC with him for 10 years.
Until...he had a stroke and his second wife called me as she thought he'll die. He survived, we started to see each other. I helped him financially a lot as he had a daughter with second wife while in really bad financial situation, at one point I paid for their bills, food, etc for months. I realised he using me financially, cut the contact again. He was trying to reach me out, however, since my financial support stopped - he was very cold, we literally exchanged messages "how are you doing " and that's it for 5 more years.
He is an alcoholic, lost his kidneys, dialysis every day and having serious health issues. He is at the hospital now and doctors said his legs will need to be amputated today/tomorrow. I called his wife and she said he is really bad mental state. I called him, messaged him - no answer. Then she calls me again and asking to step in, to come back (I'm originally not from UK), support him,etc.
However, i don't want to do it. I've been really emotional today as I remembered how I was illegally working at 14 after school, coming back home to take care of my mum, having 4 hours sleep before school next day. He didn't care, why I should care about him now?
I know I'll probably feel guilty later, but what are your thoughts on this? I don't have anyone to speak about it...

Sceptical me thinks she’s looking for you to support her financially when he dies.
For goodness sake don’t engage with either of them, they’ll suck you dry.
💐

I'm pretty sure she'll ask money too. She won't get a penny, I'm in situation when I need money by myself and things are tight at the moment.

I agree. I know my dad recently received a lump sum from his private pension. She knew his health is deteriorating. At least they could save couple of thousands as an emergency fund. Instead - they bought a brand new car.
As I mentioned before, my financial situation is really tight, I couldn't even afford to pay for funeral.

I would leave them to it and not further engage in any conversation with his wife.

You owe them nothing, least of all some caring role or relationship now.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

You are not obliged by any sort of daughter duty to suffer any more than you already do at the hands of your father.
Your father is suffering because of his own neglect of his body. He has brought this on himself, sadly. No need to feel guilty or duty bound at all OP.

In any case, it’s not your father asking to see you, it’s his wife to whom you also owe nothing. You helped out for moths in paying bills and groceries for them.

It sounds as if you live quite a way away from them and that she wants you not just to visit, but to stay around long enough to support and care for him through the aftermath of his surgeries. Please do not allow yourself to be caught in that trap.

You are already living with the pain that his abandonment and addiction caused to you throughout your life. It’s enough to endure OP, without adding more to it. There has been no joy or happiness nor love and basic decency from your father towards you.
My opinion is that you are not in any position to help him and that you have suffered enough without going back for more. Put yourself and your dc first.
Wishing you peace in your decision making OP.

You owe him nothing at all!

You need to prioritise your children and yourself. They're adults, they can sort themselves out.

Hi OP, I have personal experience of this. I was estranged from both parents and didn’t see them in last few years of life or attend their funerals. Best thing I could do for me. I think I just felt relief when they died.

I’ve only discussed with a few people in real life as I feel that this is still a big taboo and people judge harshly. However no one has any idea of what I went through. When people gave condolences I just said thank you and moved on. I finally feel that I am in a peaceful place.

You owe them nothing and only need to do what feels right for you.

"This is not my problem. Bye."

Don’t do it. Look after yourself op

Firstly - with the health problems you have mentioned I would be very surprised if he is offered an amputation. Far more likely to be offered end of life care. ( this is my area of expertise)
Secondly illness does not make him a good person . You owe them nothing . Hugs !

This.

i’m sure that caring for your mum has conditioned to care for everyone who needs caring but this is wrong, you shouldn’t. Put yourself first, do as just as much as they would do for you if you were in the same situation. for an alcoholic, nasty, estranged father who totally abandoned you, to be a carer, as a child… the best response is no response. Simply put, protect yourself from being used again, you owe him, and his wife, nothing.

’Absolutely I will look after my dad as much as he was a supportive parent to me. That’s a no, I can’t help in any way.’

He abandoned you as a child. He knew you needed him, but didn't care.
He got ill, so you have him another chance which he threw back in your face and abused you financially.
Do not help him or his wife.
Cut all contact.
You owe them absolutely nothing and they will only hurt you even more.

Do not do it.

Look, if he had been a fantastic present loving father as a child I would be saying no.

I present say:
They abused you financially, now you need financial help they are no where to be seen.
They pissed their cash up the wall on a new car.
You have 2 children, your ex has health issies and you are divorcing.

These.all valod reasons to let his wofe manage it.

do yourself a favour- Go NC and let yourself heal.

Fyi - When he dies you will likely feel huge relief. I did.

Thank you for sharing, I do have lots of judgement from others too. "But he is your father ", "But he needs you "....

You have your own family now OP. You have done a great thing by breaking the cycle and pulling yourself out of a very difficult situation growing up. Stay focused on the family you now have, rather than the one you wished you had. He will never be that for you. I'm sorry OP

He is not in UK, things are little bit different. Also, even doctors can't believe how he survived 4 strokes, 12 surgeries in the last 4 years. They literally gave him paperwork to sign after first 3 that he agrees even with 2% of survival rate. He didn't even have complications. I met one of the doctors last year while back home and he couldn't believe my dad is still alive...

You owe him nothing. You don’t need to go and you don’t need to feel guilty. Rest in the assurance that you have already done more than enough for someone who’s done nothing but treat you badly.

100% this…. X

I know, I had all of that and it’s difficult. It’s important that you do what is best for you. I had people tell me I was hard, I would regret it etc. Neither of those are true. For me, it was the best thing I could do for me and my own self preservation. If I had made contact I would have got drawn into all the conflict and drama again and it would only have set me back.

You only need to do what is right for you. No one else’s opinion matters. Thinking of you x

Had his bad behaviour been historic, I might have thought that forgiveness would be the more healing route for you.

Given that he’s still a grade A abusive shit, then the healing thing to do is detach and ignore.

Both your Dad and your mum let the 14 yr old you down very badly. You need to look after her as it seems no one else is. Honour her strength and make her the focus of your kindness now.

I’m going to turn this around. You have a responsibility to yourself not to do this. A relationship breakdown is enormous and that will require all of your bandwidth to recover. You have a responsibility to that little girl who was abandoned to take care of her after she was harmed by the people who were supposed to care. That is where your responsibility lies now. You have a genuine responsibility here but it is to yourself.

Your Dad stopped being a Dad the day he left your Mum for the OW. He disappeared, and didn't care that you were struggling emotionally or that you were left to look after your Mum. The only reason he had contact, was to fleece you for money. You probably held some notion that he must love you as you're his daughter, so helped. He proved that once the financial help was withdrawn, he wasn't interested.

Your Dad has another daughter with his current wife. Why is he suddenly your responsibility??? Your Dad's wife doesn't want the responsibility of him, and wants you to take it on instead.

Sod that. Stay exactly where you are. Tell them that you won't be coming back to the UK, as it's not possible. Don't feel guilty, you have no reason.

You do not need to sacrifice yourself for this man. Kind words are no sacrifice if you can say kind things without lying but absolutely do not consider any kind of practical or financial support. That's not for you to provide. Keep your energies for nurturing your own physical and mental wellbeing. You can send cards/emails or make phonecalls IF you want to, if that will give a dying man a little peace if he is sorry for all the hell he put you through. However if this is more about seeking for you to sacrifice your own wellbeing for his benefit (or perhaps more to protect his new wife from having to do it) and become an unpaid nursemaid then absolutely refuse any such ridiculous notion