Estranged father now very ill, wife asking me to step in

[Bitsandbobs2]

Hello everyone!
Very long story - my dad left us for other women when I was 14. It destroyed our lives completely. My mum had a depression, I was the only child looking after my mum, struggled financially, emotionally. I had mental health issues myself and was looking for "comfort " dating older guys,etc. It literally took years and lots of counselling/medication to get through this. I don't think my mother recovered at all, we both still struggling to maintain our relationship because of it.
My dad knew we were in s*it, however he didn't seem interested. I was NC with him for 10 years.
Until...he had a stroke and his second wife called me as she thought he'll die. He survived, we started to see each other. I helped him financially a lot as he had a daughter with second wife while in really bad financial situation, at one point I paid for their bills, food, etc for months. I realised he using me financially, cut the contact again. He was trying to reach me out, however, since my financial support stopped - he was very cold, we literally exchanged messages "how are you doing " and that's it for 5 more years.
He is an alcoholic, lost his kidneys, dialysis every day and having serious health issues. He is at the hospital now and doctors said his legs will need to be amputated today/tomorrow. I called his wife and she said he is really bad mental state. I called him, messaged him - no answer. Then she calls me again and asking to step in, to come back (I'm originally not from UK), support him,etc.
However, i don't want to do it. I've been really emotional today as I remembered how I was illegally working at 14 after school, coming back home to take care of my mum, having 4 hours sleep before school next day. He didn't care, why I should care about him now?
I know I'll probably feel guilty later, but what are your thoughts on this? I don't have anyone to speak about it...

Don't get sucked back into his shit show.

He abandoned you, he and wife used you when they could, and blow hot and cold depending on how much they can suck out of you. Be done. Block them through every point of contact.

I found that people who didn't know my mum and hadn't seen what she asked of me were much less likely to give this sort of response than people who had. The former tended to be judging me by the standard of what they thought they might want to do for their parents who were generally a lot more financially and physically independent and self-sufficient than my mum ever had been in the hypothetical event that those parents became comparably disabled.

I would also say though that anyone who thinks you should take on a dad who left you caring for your suicidal mum at 14 whilst also navigating a relationship with a seriously ill husband you no longer want to be with whilst also being a parent and managing all the other life stuff can fuck right off.

Excellent point, for all OP knows he actively doesn't want to see her. All we know is that the wife's panicking.

Updates - I received a call today from Intense care unit at the hospital that he is in induced koma since yesterday afternoon. Looks like he gave my number as an emergency contact.
I texted his wife with info hospital gave me and she was "oh yeah, he didn't text me or call since yesterday morning, I didn't know that". I don't know if she's lying but I believe she doesn't give a s*it anymore.
I asked hospital to change my number to hers. However, data protection is in place and I believe I'll still receive an updates. They said even with my permission, they need her ID....

I suspect your Dad's wife has given the hospital your details!! It sounds as if your Dad isn't in any state to have given the hospital any information. His wife is hoping if you get the calls from the hospital, then you'll be the one having to deal with him. You aren't next-of-kin anyway, his wife is the person who would need to make decisions regarding his care, not you? Unless it's different in the country he lives?

If the hospital call you, reiterate that his wife is next-of-kin, she will need to make decisions on his behalf and you live in another county. Be honest with the hospital staff, tell them that you're estranged from him, and have no intentions of becoming involved. Sometimes it's better to be honest and blunt.

Yes, & also tell his wife , that as she is NOK she needs to get the contact number corrected to her number, & you will nit accept their calls.
She needs to understand you will not be cleaning up after his death. & the funeral is at her cost & responsibility.

They have used & abused, its over now

I would block his wife on all channels. She likely gave the hospital your number, not he. I would further explain to the hospital staff that as you’re estranged from your dad you do not want be further involved in anspect of his care and they will need to deal with his wife. Drop the rope here.

It's different there, looks like he changed numbers few months ago as nurse who called me said she can see that my number was added by him at another hospital.
No one can change next of kin, except my dad.

Tell them you're estranged, you never talked about or agreed to be his medical decision maker. Tell them to stop contacting you. If his wife won't do it they'll have to appoint a legal guardian.

You do not go along here. If they want to discuss it, refuse. He (or his wife) did this without your knowledge and consent.

If he changed this emergency contact months ago, why are you only now receiving calls?

Surely you can remove yourself? It's your personal data not his.

Tell his wife to go change the emergency contact to herself. You don't consent to being involved in his health care in any way.

It's not a good idea with him in such bad shape to have the emergency contact and the decision maker be different people.

He chose to abandon you and your mother. Its up to his now wife to make decisions for arrangements for his care and treatment. It isn't your responsibility.

It is ok to look after yourself. You no longer need to be a people pleaser.
Please dont feel obligated to do anything. Please don't do anything. The NHS deals with people who don't have relatives.

You owe him less than nothing. He is in debt to you. He brought you into this world, shirked his responsibility and now expects you to look after him? It's appalling. Block the hospital number and never look back. He's not your responsibility and never should have been. You've done far more for him as his daughter than he ever did for you as your dad. Step away and don't regret it. Don't let him injure you one last time. He's always acted out of self-interest so you need to do the same on this occasion.
Wishing you peace and happiness xxx