Estranged father now very ill, wife asking me to step in

[Bitsandbobs2]

Hello everyone!
Very long story - my dad left us for other women when I was 14. It destroyed our lives completely. My mum had a depression, I was the only child looking after my mum, struggled financially, emotionally. I had mental health issues myself and was looking for "comfort " dating older guys,etc. It literally took years and lots of counselling/medication to get through this. I don't think my mother recovered at all, we both still struggling to maintain our relationship because of it.
My dad knew we were in s*it, however he didn't seem interested. I was NC with him for 10 years.
Until...he had a stroke and his second wife called me as she thought he'll die. He survived, we started to see each other. I helped him financially a lot as he had a daughter with second wife while in really bad financial situation, at one point I paid for their bills, food, etc for months. I realised he using me financially, cut the contact again. He was trying to reach me out, however, since my financial support stopped - he was very cold, we literally exchanged messages "how are you doing " and that's it for 5 more years.
He is an alcoholic, lost his kidneys, dialysis every day and having serious health issues. He is at the hospital now and doctors said his legs will need to be amputated today/tomorrow. I called his wife and she said he is really bad mental state. I called him, messaged him - no answer. Then she calls me again and asking to step in, to come back (I'm originally not from UK), support him,etc.
However, i don't want to do it. I've been really emotional today as I remembered how I was illegally working at 14 after school, coming back home to take care of my mum, having 4 hours sleep before school next day. He didn't care, why I should care about him now?
I know I'll probably feel guilty later, but what are your thoughts on this? I don't have anyone to speak about it...

Unless there's a big inheritance waiting I would not engage with this man. He treated you in a very cold and transactional way so you do the same. Your mental health comes first.

It is ok to block this man and his wife OP. If it helps, think of it as a temporary thing.

But right now you need to focus on you. And look after yourself. that's what any loving parent would want for you

Of course you feel sad but I agree with the posters who say you are grieving what you did not have rather than your dad. And its ok to feel sad. Most people would feel that way. But that does not mean that you have to dance to their tune and do what they want. It won't make you feel better.

Don't worry about what other people think. Perhaps consider sharing your circumstances with fewer people. best wishes to you.

I don't know if this helps but my XH is an addict with a history of violence against me. He and my DS have a surface level nice relationship that I curate carefully for my son's sake. But I often have to step in and prevent him from manipulating him, as my X is extremely delusional about what he is like and tries to twist everyone to support his fantasy.

One of my big fears in life is if XH has health issues when he's older, very likely due to how he treats his body, and tries to guilt DS into caring for him. DS owes him nothing. He owed DS everything and failed him in every meaningful way. It will break my heart if he ever sacrifices a single thing for that man. Whatever health issues your father is having are on him. His current wife is making her own choices. You owe them nothing and you'll be letting yourself and your own children down badly if you give any of your energy to either of them.

I'd also have a long think about whatever it is that's happening with your own marriage and what you owe to that man. It can be complicated as your decisions need to account for your children's best interests right now, but be careful not to lose more of yourself than necessary.

No. You’ve done enough.

TBH it sounds like he could be onto the end stage of alcholism. had all this with my very abusive and manipulative brother towards the end. Yesit is bloody hard to enforce bounderies but your MH and physical health and peace of mind deserve it.

If need be change the phone number and block all contact with him and his family so you can concentrate on you, your children and what YOU want to do going forward.

I did not spot what he was upto and by the time I finally hit that’s it NC he died before I could tell him exactly what I thought. Shudders, with hindsight I truly wish I had cut contact years and years ago but it’s hard to do so when it’s someone you love, hold a glimmer of hope they might, just might, change and they never ever do. they just use and abuse you. Please be aware financial abuse and weedling and endless phone calls from family seemingly in need could easily still be abuse.

So get support from those who truly care about you and reach out to charitable or other support as and when you feel able to.

IMHO your father was never the dad you needed and it’s okay to grieve for the dad you hoped you would have whilst hating everything he has done to you when he has contacted you under the guise of your his daughter.

I have very little patience for parents who do not parent but rather place their own needs centre stage.

So be it.

But having modelled selfishness, they cannot later appeal to filial obligation. The parent sets the tone.

Caring for and funding the ‘father ‘ who abandoned you twice won’t alleviate the grief you feel about his failure to be a proper dad.

You need to put you first, because nobody else will.

His wife signed up for this shit- let her deal with it.

All the relatives whinging at you can also go and share the caring and financial duties.

You weren’t born to this earth to serve ungrateful, selfish men.

Despite his terrible treatment of you op, you have shown kindness and support to a father who was not worthy of you.

You have enough on your plate. Do not let your father and his wife take more from you. You sound such a kind person and a daughter anyone would be proud of. Now please move on and look after yourself and your own children.

It sounds as though he is dying a very long and undignified death. But you owe him absolutely nothing.
I feel for you, it is a sad situation.

First answer nails it.

You know what ? Even if he was a good father it would be too much to ask for . Leave your country to return and care for a man who will be an amputee and end stage kidney , liver failure ? It's too much for anyone . Let his wife deal with care homes, support etc. She picked him , you did not .
No reason for you to feel guilty at all .

You owe this man and his wife absolutely nothing. He was a cruel, cheating, absent father and was never there when you needed him, even as a child. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty but I'm sure it won't feel like that to you because you are clearly used to taking on everyone else's burdens. Please try to concentrate on yourself and your own DC who need you. Even if you had nothing to do all day and all the money in the world, I would still that you owe this appalling man nothing.

Don't do it. Protect yourself, he doesn't deserve anything from you and you should feel no guilt, at any point.

I went NC with part of my family, not because I didn't love them but because they never considered the effects of what they did and how it affected me and it was always about them. After trying to talk with them for many years about how it made me feel, I realised I couldn't change them but I could change me. Its been horrific and I have grieved for my family although I know they are still alive.

I have lost count of the times people have said, "x is old, you will be sorry if they die before you make up (we are only thinking of you)", or "how could you abandon them at a time like this". It drives me mad. They need to shut up and think how hurt and desperate I was to have to do what I did. They were willing to let me get repeatedly hurt for their own benefit and it was killing me and made me feel worthless. I may have been the one that walked away but they abandoned me well before that but I carry guilt. But that guilt does not outweigh the massive relief I feel from the absence of constant hurt, pain and continually having it reinforced by their actions that my feelings do not count.

Now is the time to prioritise you and YOUR family, be the parent your Dad wasn't, its understandable you may have some qualms if you are anything like me. I try to treat others like I would like to be treated but you can't do it at the expense of losing yourself. I feel guilty I am not there to help an elderly family member who I would love to be with but then I have to remind myself that the family only call when they need me, not to support or help me not to HEAR me, not to love me, just what I can give to the family.

Be honest, you can't help financially, you are not in a position to help practically as you have two children whilst your stepmum has your half sister. You are going through a divorce and she has a husband in hospital who if he survives, will need serious physical and mental support. Guilt tripping you is not the way, I would feel sympathy for your stepmum and half sibling but it is not your problem, your Dad made it clear that you have never been his problem or main concern, and from the sounds of it, your stepmum has not been able to reform him either and she should appreciate you need to protect your children as should she.

You can feel sorry for your Dad and be sad for what could have been, but that loss was down to him, he put himself in this situation and you have more than tried to prop him up and build bridges. Your stepmum needs to make the same decision and personally I wouldn't be surprised if you stepped in to help and she cut and run.

Don't do it OP, don't get sucked back in. Realise your limitations, protect your mental health and when you waiver, remember what you and your mum went through and that despite that, you gave your Dad multiple chances and he still did not step up. Do not do this to your kids when they are struggling with the loss of their own Father. Big hugs x

Thank you everyone, someone mentioned medical bill - he has an insurance and all his treatments are paid.

Ask yourself the question "Would he do the same for me? "
I think you know the answer.
You owe him and his wife nothing.

He abandoned you. He let you support him financially and then withdrew when you weren't able to continue that support. You cannot give him what you don't have and you need to concentrate on your own well-being. Don't feel guilty at all, he wouldn't in your situation. Remind yourself that you have done over and above what anyone could expect.

He is a terrible person for what he has done to you.

You deserve to be secure and happy and surrounded by people who love you and he will never be part of that.

Just reply 'no'. It's a whole sentence!

Firstly well done for turning your life round, you should be proud of yourself. I wouldn't bother, he left you and didn't seem to care when you were really suffering. Leave them to it

You need to look after you not him. He only wants you when you can help him. Please put yourself first.

"I called him, messaged him - no answer."
He doesn't even want you there, his wife does.
Draw a line under this. Take care of yourself, he never has

No.
Protect yourself. Heal yourself.
Sit with your 14-year-old self. Protect her too.

Because now you can.
You can protect yourself.

Ignore.
My relationship with my parents was poor due to many factors.
When they died I didn’t grieve at all, still haven’t 5 years on.
Anyone who criticises me for that needs to have lived my life.

Did the step mum feel sympathy for 14 year old OP trying to hold her mum and the family finances together in place of her father? Not enough to help her or clear off it seems.

I agree with the poster that said your dad is not your responsibility. When you were his responsibility he was nowhere to be seen.

Don't give any of them another thought OP. You have enough on your plate and you will be there for your children unlike your father who wasn't there for you. Your children are your priority and they need you. Don't disrupt them for people that wouldn't lift a finger for you.

Grieve for the father that you should have had and deserved but not this one. He doesn't deserve your sadness.