Estranged father now very ill, wife asking me to step in

[Bitsandbobs2]

Hello everyone!
Very long story - my dad left us for other women when I was 14. It destroyed our lives completely. My mum had a depression, I was the only child looking after my mum, struggled financially, emotionally. I had mental health issues myself and was looking for "comfort " dating older guys,etc. It literally took years and lots of counselling/medication to get through this. I don't think my mother recovered at all, we both still struggling to maintain our relationship because of it.
My dad knew we were in s*it, however he didn't seem interested. I was NC with him for 10 years.
Until...he had a stroke and his second wife called me as she thought he'll die. He survived, we started to see each other. I helped him financially a lot as he had a daughter with second wife while in really bad financial situation, at one point I paid for their bills, food, etc for months. I realised he using me financially, cut the contact again. He was trying to reach me out, however, since my financial support stopped - he was very cold, we literally exchanged messages "how are you doing " and that's it for 5 more years.
He is an alcoholic, lost his kidneys, dialysis every day and having serious health issues. He is at the hospital now and doctors said his legs will need to be amputated today/tomorrow. I called his wife and she said he is really bad mental state. I called him, messaged him - no answer. Then she calls me again and asking to step in, to come back (I'm originally not from UK), support him,etc.
However, i don't want to do it. I've been really emotional today as I remembered how I was illegally working at 14 after school, coming back home to take care of my mum, having 4 hours sleep before school next day. He didn't care, why I should care about him now?
I know I'll probably feel guilty later, but what are your thoughts on this? I don't have anyone to speak about it...

This. Mum and and Dad are, to me, 0 to do with biology.

I went through similar when I was younger. Dad left my mum with nothing. Ruined her life. Didnt bother with me or his other 3 kids once he met his now wife. He tries to message us now (about 15 or more years later) like happy birthday, merry Christmas. They get ignored.
If he was dying I might go to his funeral but no way would I be caring for him.

Where was HIS care when you were still a child? He didnt give a fuck then. If you want to, do it. If you dont then dont. You dont owe him anything.

@Bitsandbobs2 you've done above and beyond for a father who absolutely didn't deserve it. Your turn to look after yourself now as best as you can when life keeps serving up struggles for you.
Never feel a moment's guilt. Your father made his choices and isn't worth it.

He walked out on your and turned his back when you were not much more than a little girl. You owe this “man” zilch. Little Miss home-wrecker (assuming she knew your father was married) will just have to get on with it or find someone else.

No. Sometimes you need to put yourself first for you own well being. I’ve had similar experiences and I’m now no contact with my dad - when I finally went no contact it was like a weight lifted. For years I kept forgiving as I also felt sad / guilt and worry/family duty but then I realised I had to put my mental health first.

Nope. His behaviour in the past has caused his situation now. You have already done far more than he ever deserved. Keep your distance and look after yourself.

No, don’t do it. You owe him nothing, down to his wife to care for him now. She’s also the problem she should of made him at least pay maintenance to your mum for you. The pair are wicked and deserve it.

You don’t need to do this. I have been there, my dad died, I don’t regret not going to see him. Sending love from someone who gets it.

I'm so sorry that you have been through all of that OP. With everything that you have had to deal with, not only have you managed to keep yourself going, you have also somehow managed to provide incredible support to those around you, whether they deserved it from you or not. You are an absolute superhero.

Now imagine a future where you use all of the amazing resourcefulness you possess to lift yourself up. You cannot change the past but you can build a better future for yourself – one where your own needs are finally prioritised and where everyone you surround yourself with loves you and has your best interests at heart. It's sad but true that your dad does not belong in this picture. You have already done so much and it sounds like he deserved none of it. Feel the difficult feelings and be proud that you're the caring person that you are but move on. You have enough to concentrate on with your own things. Best of luck with your divorce. I know how difficult that is. But I also know that it can lead to an infinitely better life on the other side, and I wish that for you. You so deserve it.

You give him the support he gave you when you were a child and needed it.

IE; none.

Only do anything if you feel you would regret not doing it. If you know you realistically can't then don't lose sleep. He brought abandonment into the dynamic, not you.

Also was the wife pushing for you to be involved when there might have been more in it for you than just shouldering her responsibilities?

People make their own beds.

No, you don't owe him anything.

What other people think is irrelevant. Do what is in your heart. Nothing else.

Leave him be ...... walk away.

You have done more than enough for him and need a clean break from all this.

No.

You survived his abandonment, had to suppress your own grief in order to juggle work, schooling and your mum’s mental health. Your feelings were ignored as your mum took centre stage with her own and it was traumatic for you.
You did go to your father when you were told he needed you only to be fleeced of money.
Not one of your parents even if they were in good health would help you.
You have put your separation on hold because your husband has found out he has a brain tumour, once again you will be burying your own wants and needs to care for someone else. You need all the love and support whilst you will be caring for your H and your DC and you won’t have the time, money or energy to help your feckless father.

Why do children do this?? What about loyalty to your mother? If you were my child id be hugely disappointed you were supporting him physically emotionally and financially the first time round let alone a second.

Absolutely not. Rid yourself of him for good. He is your step mother’s responsibility, not yours. He deserves absolutely nothing from you. As a parent I know that when my children grow up they will be able to chose whether to spend time with me. I hope our relationship is such that they will, but I will always respect those freedoms.
I would urge you to focus on your life, how you have been able to rebuild it and the children who are now your responsibility to protect, love and nurture. This is sadness and negativity that is just not yours to take on.

He's not your responsibility. You were his and he abandoned you. You owe him absolutely nothing.

You should have been cared for and nurtured by your father and he didn’t do this. You got back in contact and he used you financially. You’ve given him more chances than he deserved and he blew it. You don’t have to give him any more of your energy.

I would be very wary also that your step-mother is reeling you back in because she is going to struggle financially if your father passes away.

You have done more than enough OP for a parent who was never there for you and always put his own needs first and caused his own health issues.

Make it clear to his wife that you will not do this. They all sound like a bunch of money grabbing users to be honest who are taking advantage of your good nature.

Step away from them and live your own life.

This is a very good point. And if his wife now is the other woman... she has some cheek.

You put yourself first. He has never ever put you first or considered your well being. So you should not feel an ounce of guilt. He is not your problem. Be kind to yourself op. I too had to take care of my family from an early age and I know it becomes normal to us to care for others above ourselves. But you have to stop that now. You deserved better back when you were 14 and you deserve better now x

Hi OP, I had some similar family dynamics and spent a lot of time in counselling. What I slowly learned is that I did not owe someone who had abused me anything. I cannot control how they behaved, but I can control my response which in my case was to severely limit contact. I did not change this approach when relatives were very ill. Why would you? Nothing has changed. It is also useful to think about what would happen if things were different. If your father was wealthy do you think he and his wife as he edges towards the end of life would be thinking what can I do to make my daughter's life better? No they would not. Stick to your original approach.

You feel sad because you’re grieving for the family life you could have had and the dad he could have been. But you didn’t have that because of him. He let you down then he used you. You will never get back what could have been, you need to let him go for your own sake. Put yourself first, just like he always has.

I’m sorry you’ve had such awful things happen in your life OP, and want to wish you all the best for the future.

Your Dad let you down massively multiple times throughout your life so please dont deel guilty. It also sounds like he only kept contact you with to use you for your money so he sounds quite despicable and doesnt deserve anything from you. Put yourself first OP and let his wife deal with his care!!