Estranged father now very ill, wife asking me to step in

[Bitsandbobs2]

Hello everyone!
Very long story - my dad left us for other women when I was 14. It destroyed our lives completely. My mum had a depression, I was the only child looking after my mum, struggled financially, emotionally. I had mental health issues myself and was looking for "comfort " dating older guys,etc. It literally took years and lots of counselling/medication to get through this. I don't think my mother recovered at all, we both still struggling to maintain our relationship because of it.
My dad knew we were in s*it, however he didn't seem interested. I was NC with him for 10 years.
Until...he had a stroke and his second wife called me as she thought he'll die. He survived, we started to see each other. I helped him financially a lot as he had a daughter with second wife while in really bad financial situation, at one point I paid for their bills, food, etc for months. I realised he using me financially, cut the contact again. He was trying to reach me out, however, since my financial support stopped - he was very cold, we literally exchanged messages "how are you doing " and that's it for 5 more years.
He is an alcoholic, lost his kidneys, dialysis every day and having serious health issues. He is at the hospital now and doctors said his legs will need to be amputated today/tomorrow. I called his wife and she said he is really bad mental state. I called him, messaged him - no answer. Then she calls me again and asking to step in, to come back (I'm originally not from UK), support him,etc.
However, i don't want to do it. I've been really emotional today as I remembered how I was illegally working at 14 after school, coming back home to take care of my mum, having 4 hours sleep before school next day. He didn't care, why I should care about him now?
I know I'll probably feel guilty later, but what are your thoughts on this? I don't have anyone to speak about it...

I can't believe the relatives or other people being so judgemental of you. Let them go and give time and money to help him out.Maybe if someone says he's your father you should look after him.Say look here Mary my dad never lifted a finger to help me when I needed him, I have already subsidised his life over 6 months I have done enough.
Or something similar, have something prepared to say.
It sounds like you've done amazingly well considering what happened to you, so pat yourself on the back.

If he wanted a daughter’s support, he should have been the best father he could first. He has been beyond selfish and you need to focus on you now as you have so much to deal with already.

Your not his victim any more. Just say it's impossible due to your kids.

"But he needs you "... No he doesn't. He wants you.

Don't be guilt tripped into doing anything for either of them.

Please tell me you are still going through with the divorce. You are not an emotional punching bag for these men. I hope I have misinterpreted it but I read your comment as in you were going to divorce, then your husband became sick, and now you are not divorcing anymore.

You owe him nothing at all. You have already given more than he deserves. I've been where you are and it's really hard but his wife and he need to fight for support from the services I'm the UK, not look towards you. I'd send some links of places that can support him and say you can't but here are some charities that can. Not to help but to make a point... Im not caring for you and you can't guilt me into it because other places can.

You owe him nothing OP. I believe you reap what you sow in life, and unfortunately too many men leave their DC without a backward glance to go off with other women or just please themselves. They're too selfish to do otherwise. But then when old age and ill health come for them, as they come for most of us, what do they want? Those DC they abandoned and often didn't even financially support, leaving them in poverty, to rally round and support them. He doesn't deserve anything from you and his wife certainly doesn't. You owe neither of them anything, so don't feel guilty 💐

I miss my Dad sometimes
Do you though? Which Dad do you miss? The one who abandoned you when you were 14, the one who lost interest in you when you stopped giving him money or the alcoholic who still hasn’t reached out to you properly but whose wife doesn’t want to care for him?

Or do you perhaps just miss the idea of A Dad, the Dad you deserved, the type of parent who loves and supports their child consistently? Perhaps he was briefly a good parent when you were very young but he hasn’t been that man in an extremely long time and you should feel no guilt for refusing to sacrifice your life for someone who has behaved so shoddily over such a long period of time. You can’t fix him. He’s an alcoholic who has drunk until he needs his legs amputating. You need to put yourself first because he never has.

DH late m, walked out on her 3 small kids,they were born in the 1950s she went off with another man, ruined their lives..no counselling then, nothing, except an angry bitter df given custody..mental issues for over 50 years. DH said it was worse than her dieing because she chose to go. My late DM died,6 weeks later f has a girlfriend he married.. only child,no support from him whatsoever! He didn't attend my wedding, I think because of her.Second wife died, married 3rd,6 weeks before he died,he was aware he didn't have long. I became the sandwich generation, youngest of 4 dks was 9 ,I was nursing did a 12.5 hour Nightshift and 80 mile round trip to look after him, while his wife went to look after her 90 plus year old DM. I was pretty much ignored at his funeral. DH was going to attend his mother's funeral (recently) out of politeness,was told he wouldn't be welcome...by siblings who never had a good word to say about her,he went NC with them almost 20 years ago. It's your time now, sending support 💕

My husband was diagnosed with brain tumour 2 weeks after we decided to fill up for divorce.

I simply have no energy, no time and no money . I have so much on my plate I don't think I would even have strength to move forward.

You sound like a ‘giver’ and he like a selfish ‘taker’. Only re engage if you can clearly define and stick to your own boundary conditions. Ie no financial support, visit when you want to and for how long you want to. I fear you will get sucked in again as they will probably try to emotionally blackmail you. But if you feel you can manage the boundaries you should be ok.

For very different reasons my relationship with my mum went from great to very fraught as I grew up and throughout adulthood, and part of it was because as she became more disabled she also became very demanding and manipulative - it was always a part of her but I don't think it would have been central in the way that it became. I did a lot of caring for her, very hands-on, partly because I felt the guilt of not doing it would be unbearable. What I want to say to you OP is that when I did eventually step away (because there were other people who could do it and I was just completely wrong out), I did feel terribly guilty, but the guilt was more bearable than the caring. And that was a relationship where for all its faults there was still a lot of love between us and I was not abandoned the way that you were.

My honest advice would be not to do it and sit with the guilt. You need so much love and gratitude and common ground to tolerate caring for someone very disabled and how has your dad fostered that?

Is the difference between your home country and the UK so big, that just because you live in the UK, they would expect you must be loaded?
And is there a higher level of family obligations expectations?

Don't go back. It is not your responsibility. The second wife and new daughter are the first ones to he there. Don't expect that they will understand and accept an open and detail explanation why you can't help. They won't, they see you as an ultimate solution.
So give them a short no and don't overdo explanations.

I don't think I would be ok with boundaries, that's why I decided I won't be going back home.

The fact he cut contact when you stopped paying his bills, his wife's and his daughters is just as bad as all the other stuff. Shows you who and what he is.

Cease all contact with all of them. For your own self esteem.

If I might be so bold.

I’d wager that you don’t miss your dad, but you grieve and miss what you could have had. The support and love.

My therapist was really useful talking through how to deal your inner child who was let down so badly - one of the suggestions was to treat yourself to something small you’d use or see every day and buy it with the intention of marking how far you’ve come since being a child. To celebrate the you of now. And every time you use it or see it you remember that.

You owe him nothing but you owe yourself happiness and emotional security.

Then you reply but I was his daughter and I needed him..

And you can turn that back to ‘but I’m his daughter and I needed him’

Ha. Snap.

Agree 100pc - they will expect you to cover the funeral, wake, help with probate, organise it and finance them going forward. Just no.

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. What leeches your father and his wife are.
Put your own children first, spend all your love and time with them. They need you more than anyone else does.

@Bitsandbobs2 you matter. I can understand you shelving the divorce for a moment, I would. You can't cope with helping your Dad and you've given more than many would. So I would go with the line that unfortunately your husband needs you and you're unable to help.

I'm sorry your Dad is so ill. These sorts of illnesses are always so prolonged and it's amazing how much some people can survive. It sounds like his vasculature is really struggling though, so I wouldn't be surprised if he succumbs relatively soon. It sounds like you've registered that, though. His wife is probably quite overwhelmed and wants to share the burden, which is understandable, but you've got so many burdens of your own. You can't pour from an empty vessel.

I’m sorry you’ve been through this and agree with everyone that you owe him nothing. I’m wondering if he is in a country where there is likely to be a large medical bill that you’ll be expected to pay? If so prepare yourself for saying no.

No, tell his greedy wife to do one.
What you are feeling is the longing for the father you should have had. In reality your father left you and for all he cared you could have died.
Harsh but true.
People reap what they sow.
You have gone over and above what is deemed reasonable in your situation.
Maybe try counselling for yourself op.
Block his wife’s number if you have to.
Don’t let either of them guilt trip you.
All the best.

Maybe tell her the money you previously gave was a loan and you need her to start paying it back. Obviously you wouldn't be able to enforce that, but it might get her to fuck off.