Husband watching porn nightly and masturbating in bed, unsure how to handle

[BlueBeeMee]

I’ve discovered my husband of 25 years has been watching porn every night. I believe he has an addiction. I haven’t approached him about it because I know he’ll just reply that it’s because I no longer want sex, it will be my fault. I’ve woken up during the night because the bed is shaking as he’s masturbating.

Sex for me is well over, I’ve never really enjoyed it. I’m happy just to live as companions as we grow into our later years but I’m not sure if I can live with this. I’m finding it all a bit disrespectful and disgusting.

I’m thinking I just have to put up with it as I’m not interested in that side of our marriage and that’s not his fault.

I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Id complain about being woken up.

He should be respectful enough to not masturbate or watch it next to you. You need to openly discuss whether the marriage can continue under these conditions and if you both want it to continue, then you need to negotiate the ground rules.

You can definitely complain that you're being woken up, and you're also entitled to decide if porn use is a dealbreaker for you personally. The masturbating, no, that's not your business.

I also wouldn't stay in a marriage where one person had unilaterally decided we were never having sex again, though - it doesn't excuse him waking you up at all, but is he aware that you've drawn this line? Is he okay to continue being married? It feels like a bit decision to make in your...forties or fifties, I'm assuming?

If you really never want to have sex again and dislike the sex, then I’d say his masturbatory habits are his business now. It’s not really surprising he’d want to masturbate daily if he’s basically never having sex in this relationship again but still sleeps next to you. And obviously he wants to see another woman’s body, even if porn is somewhat problematic.

However, it’s unfair of him to do it in bed when you’re together, and you’re trying to sleep. Can’t he go somewhere else? It could also be seen as a bit passive aggressive, but that depends on how tense things are between you both.

Doing it next to you isn’t very nice. But, neither is you deciding that he no longer has a sex life with you without him having a say in it. He needs to do it in the shower or when you’re out, and the pair of you have to decide whether you have a marriage worth saving.

All this

Separate bedrooms or beds. But bear in mind that whilst you might be ok with a sexless marriage, he may not be, and so divorce might be a better option for both of you.

Sounds like separating would be the best solution. Separate rooms, starting immediately would be the solution to him waking you up. It is grim.

However if my husband had decided he no longer wanted sex with me, the marriage would be over. I don't want a flat mate.

You haven't given your age. Well maybe his age is more relevant, in general..I hope you can manage to make some agreement or compromise..All the other posters have answered it as well as I can. Best wishes OP.

Yeah doing it next to you is wrong. But I don’t blame him you deciding he doesn’t have a sex life any more. What would he rather do cheat on you instead.

What a ridiculous comment.

OP is entitled not to want sex. She is entitled to expect her H to have more respect for her than to lie in bed next to her and masturbating to it. It sounds as though he is doing this deliberately to get back at her.

But yes I agree that OP and her H should be having a conversation about the future of their marriage . He has a perfect right to not being hapoy with a sexless marriage but the way he is addressing the problem at the moment is plain disgusting.

It sounds like he’s actually doing it partly because he knows it annoys you because he’s angry about the situation. You’re entitled not to want sex and if he isn’t happy with that he’s welcome to leave. He shouldn’t be waking you up wanking.

The marriage is over.

It isn’t okay he does that next to you. It’s also not okay to just say oh I’m happy without sex, it suits me so good luck with that one husband. It doesn’t work like that. It is fine to never want sex again but the marriage is over as he might still want it. Have you seriously not thought about his needs?

Is your DH happy to live with his wife as companions for the rest of his life? Depending on your ages, that could be a few decades. I sure as hell wouldn't be.

Masturbating is not an issue nor is it your business if you have shut off sex.

porn is a little more questionable although if he isn’t having sex with you because of your decision, then one could argue he still needs some form of sexual stimulation and porn is the easiest way for him to do this.

Wanking off in bed next to you imo is ok, as long as he is respectful to your sleep, which he isn’t from what you have said.

Watching porn in bed whilst you are lying next to him isn’t right , it’s disrespectful and he should go do his daily wank elsewhere.

Yeah because denying men sex means she deserves to be treated like shit eh? 🙄

This thread will go the same way all threads do when a woman says she doesn’t want sex any more - he will be made out to be the poor suffering hero and she will be ripped to shreds.

Rules of misogny number 2 - saying no to men is a hate crime.

Op - just ask him to be respectful and do it elsewhere as it’s waking you up.

Rubbish. These threads usually blame the man's actions as the reason the OP no longer wants to have sex with him.

@Screamingabdabz

Nobody has said that.

I don't think OP thinks he shouldn't masturbate. (I can't imagine she thinks she shouldn't masturbate herself, should she wish to).

I think her objections are to porn use, and to being woken.

OP I don't think it is fair to object to him using "other stimuli" to get off, but the fact he is willing to look at porn (as opposed to just sexy bits of movies with well paid actors for example) is something that I personally would find morally objectionable because of the dreadful exploitation in the porn industry, and because it is so twisted and misogynistic

I do think it is not on that he is waking you up. It may well be a passive aggressive 'protest' that sex has gone between you. It may just be thoughtless. This is something you need to address with him but obviously if he is doing it to make a point, the conversation might lead to a place where you have to discuss your marriage and his desires - so if you want any of this to change, be prepared for the whole conversation.

Its a conversation that you probably need to have. He might is happy to stay in the marriage with no sex - great, but in that case he needs to be considerate of your sleep - which shouldn't be too hard eg a second bed. Or he might actually want to be having sex with a woman again and this is his way of raising the topic.

If we take the contentious aspect of the sex life out of it for a moment :

Him wibbling the bed about enough to wake his partner every night is not kind if he's aware it's happening. No matter what it is he's doing! Have you told him he's waking you up OP?

Has he refused to take it elsewhere?

The sex life issue - although OP hasn't asked for opinions on it - i would agree with the majority and say that given the circs. it's no surprise he's seeing to himself.

Nobody has said that anywhere. You’re just making stuff up.

This is nothing to do with the rules of misogyny and you dilute the value of these very important rules when you misuse them in an inappropriate context.

OP is in a marriage and she clearly stated she doesn't want sex. But
she is married to someone who clearly does.

They need to have a conversation about the way forward. That is what people are saying.

You are happy to live as companions, but what about him?

Not defending the porn use, or disrespect he is showing you, but at the same time you haven’t said how he feels about being companions.

FWIW I’m not ok with viewing porn so for me that would be an immediate end to my relationship. His views have to align with mine and if they don’t, in such a vile way, i couldn’t continue in any sort of relationship. If you are ok with someone who sees no harm in the porn industry that’s up to you, the next issue is the disrespect of him lying there wanking next to you, which you are not happy with.

I would suggest a proper discussion with him about how you both feel re going forward as he needs to be happy with your ‘companion’ idea whilst also being a bit more considerate about his shakes.

If you never want sex again and he does then you need to think about what your future will be. I would not be happy to have a man masturbating next to me, so that's one thing. But clearly he does still want sexual relief and you will have to think about how he is going to obtain that relief.
Basically, you need to discuss the future of your relationship. It might mean the end of it, or the two of you living separate lives in the same house, and him being free to have other relationships.
You are entitled to your decision. He is entitled to make his decision.

I’m guessing you haven’t had a conversation with him about how you are no longer interested in having sex with him.

I’m finding it all a bit disrespectful and disgusting.

This is a strange reaction to the man you married having a wank. Have you spoken to anyone about your feelings towards sex?