Husband suggested opening marriage and mentioned my sister, am I overreacting?

[Falalalalalala86]

Posting in relationships for more traffic as haven’t been able to stop thinking about this. It feels quite petty compared to some things on here but it’s been playing on my mind all day.

DH and I have been together 12 years, married 7. Two kids (9 and 6). Generally we get on well.

Last night after the kids went to bed he asked if we could talk. I assumed it was something normal (finances, holiday plans etc).

Instead he asked if I’d ever thought about “opening up the marriage”.

I genuinely thought he was joking at first but he was completely serious. He said lots of couples do it now and it can actually make relationships stronger.

I was really taken aback and said absolutely not. He then backtracked a bit and said he was “just curious” and we don’t have to do anything.

But it’s really unsettled me.

I asked where this had come from and he said it was just something he’d been reading about online.

Here’s the bit that’s bothering me though.

When I pushed a bit more he eventually admitted there’s a specific person he was thinking about.

And it’s someone I know.

It’s actually my younger sister.

Apparently she’d joked with him a few weeks ago about “modern relationships” when we were all having drinks and he says that’s what made him start thinking about it.

I feel completely weird about the whole thing now and honestly a bit sick.

He’s saying it was just a hypothetical conversation and I’m massively overreacting.

But I can’t get past the fact that he clearly has been thinking about my sister in that way.

AIBU to think this is completely inappropriate or am I turning something stupid into a huge issue?

Ah, you see, I thought differently. I took it to mean that the sister had made a joke and the husband made a giant leap to “she would be glad to sleep with me”. It’s entirely possible that, had the OP been up for opening the marriage (ugh), he would suggest this to the sister and she would be appalled.

Thanks so much for all the replies. I’m still going through them. I’m not contemplating an open marriage in any way. I’ve always been very content with monogamy and if he wants to shag someone else, he can jog on! I’m still not 100% if he was just joking. I think he was serious about wanting the open marriage but maybe just joking about it being with my sister

He’s been sucked into the manosphere nonsense. This will not be the only misogynist attitude he has.
But it’s personal as well; he wants to bang your sister, and when he asked about opening the marriage, he was actually planning to go after your younger sister and have sex with her… just assumed she’d be up for it. Pure misogyny. Bad guy.

This has got nothing to do with open relationships. Your sister is making a play for your husband and your husband is asking for permission to fuck her.

Might as well throw him away now, they'll be fucking behind your back in no time.

You are definitely NOT over reacting. He’s told you he wants to have sex with your sister and then he’s telling you that you are overreacting. He’s playing with fire here, I don’t know how you get past this.

Petty? Really?

Just to add, my sister wouldn’t be interested in him anyway which is the main point. I don’t even think she particularly likes him that much, never mind fancy him.

It’s a relationship ender.

I’d also speak to your sister.

I agree with PP. If my husband told me that he wanted to have sex with my sister that would be the end of our marriage.

As for 'open marriages' so not a good idea, someone is going to get hurt & it's all about the man's ego. IMO it's like having a whole shop full of cakes & wanting to take a bite out of each one.

<exits to puke>

Sounds like your sister has the measure of him.

If she's any kind of a loving sister, this would confirm her poor opinion of him & she would feel sorry for you being married to such a low-life loser.

And it’s someone I know.

It’s actually my younger sister.

Ba dum tish

Absolutely this. I had a long term boyfriend do this many years ago: he tried to bring up opening up the relationship in a 'sexy' kind of way, and when it was clear I wasn't into it, he tried to reassure me it wasn't as bad as I imagined because -guess what!?- I was already in an open relationship, I just didn't know it yet, so we might as well carry on, eh? He'd sort of 'trial-opened' it over the previous months and enjoyed quite a few hook-ups -nobody too regular for me to feel jealous about, god forbid- just to see whether it was something he felt we could get into -together, of course. He was definitely always going to tell me, in fact this was the moment. And in his experience, and yes, I had to admit that his lived experience as a person exploring polyamory ought to count for something, it was working out really well and had certainly enhanced his sense of fulfilment both within and outside of our relationship, so I should definitely give an open relationship a go. After all, I could 'go at my own pace' and wouldn't even have to join in at all, he wouldn't mind if I didn't. Such a dick. It was horrendous and it took a long time to get over. Don't rule out icreatedascene's hunch.

Completely inappropriate
is the understatement of the year!

Christ that's really really grim. I'm sorry he's such an utterly crass turd. There's no way I could get over that.

Is this real? No man could be that thick to suggest such a thing (or could they!!???).

OP, I think youre being very complacent about his comments. Maybe youre in shock.

The open relationship comment is out of order, the sister comment is next level and isn't funny under ANY circumstances.

Good luck.

Even joking about it would be a deal breaker as I wouldn't like that his mind even went there ‘for a joke’.

He doesn't want an open marriage. He just wants your permission to shag your sister. Or at least try to.

He had a specific person in mind , your younger sister

I agree with this.

And I reiterate that you need to give yourvsister the heads-up. Because he is thinking he is in with a chance there, and you don't want her landed in a situation where he makes a pass at her and she then gets the anguish of having to decide whether to tell you or not.

P. S. It wasn't a joke; decent men don't make jokes like that, so, if he said it, he isn't a decent man.

He's not thinking about having sex with your sister - he already is. Opening up the marriage just means he doesn't have to hide it anymore
Has your sister always wanted what you have?

Please don’t kid yourself he is joking - you know he’s blown up your life and it will never be the same. You can have a happier life without him.

I'm polyamorous and no, absolutely not. Google 'messy lists' for more info.

It's usual to agree not to start relationships with a partner's siblings + other relatives, work colleagues, maybe close friends, maybe their exes. Different people will have different ways of conceptualising this 'veto' power / will re-evaluate the relationship if you do this. Different people will have different agreements about who's off limits - where people share social circles friends may not be off limits etc. But I cannot think of any realistic situation where dating a partner's sibling would be thought OK.

If you want to stay monogamous, stay that way. Divorce is a better option than trying polyamory because your husband is trying to insist. Generally opening up a monogamous relationship only works when both people really want to do it and are prepared to put time into thinking about how to make it work.

My first and only thought is why do you even need to ask that question?
I haven't read the thread.

Op he wasn’t joking he was getting your reaction and he didn’t like it he changed tack. Op I would have said well you know my sister wouldn’t touch you with a shitty stick so I wouldn’t waste your brain on fantasies about her. Either way he’s thinking of it now so how do you put that back in the box.