Husband suggested opening marriage and mentioned my sister, am I overreacting?

[Falalalalalala86]

Posting in relationships for more traffic as haven’t been able to stop thinking about this. It feels quite petty compared to some things on here but it’s been playing on my mind all day.

DH and I have been together 12 years, married 7. Two kids (9 and 6). Generally we get on well.

Last night after the kids went to bed he asked if we could talk. I assumed it was something normal (finances, holiday plans etc).

Instead he asked if I’d ever thought about “opening up the marriage”.

I genuinely thought he was joking at first but he was completely serious. He said lots of couples do it now and it can actually make relationships stronger.

I was really taken aback and said absolutely not. He then backtracked a bit and said he was “just curious” and we don’t have to do anything.

But it’s really unsettled me.

I asked where this had come from and he said it was just something he’d been reading about online.

Here’s the bit that’s bothering me though.

When I pushed a bit more he eventually admitted there’s a specific person he was thinking about.

And it’s someone I know.

It’s actually my younger sister.

Apparently she’d joked with him a few weeks ago about “modern relationships” when we were all having drinks and he says that’s what made him start thinking about it.

I feel completely weird about the whole thing now and honestly a bit sick.

He’s saying it was just a hypothetical conversation and I’m massively overreacting.

But I can’t get past the fact that he clearly has been thinking about my sister in that way.

AIBU to think this is completely inappropriate or am I turning something stupid into a huge issue?

@Rhaidimiddim is right, it's such a destructive thing to say, it's a difficult (if not impossible) bell to unring. This is marriage ending. He has no boundaries at all.

So lots of people are opening their marriages, are they? Jeez what a creep. Not a single person I know is into this. And I second/third/100th the resounding belief that wanting to sleep with your sister is marriage-ending.

Honestly, he wouldn’t be sleeping in my home tonight.

That is revolting. You are under reacting if anything. I could never get past that

Yuck, and I’m sure I’d not quite trust the sister either. Was she flirting with him for him to think that way, rather than just being a general conversation.

He has basically said he wants to have sex with your sister and for you to be ok about it….
That is not a conversation I would get over to be honest because I’d always be wondering if he was thinking of someone else and her specifically and it’s just so gross.
Some couples may open up their marriage and survive doing it, I don’t think he’s accurate when he says ‘many’ do and the one I know about, the marriage didn’t survive because the bloke just used it as an excuse to shag around as much as possible.
Sorry but it all sounds very grim to me and once that subject has jumped out of the box, there really isn’t a way to get it back in.
I would be looking to end the marriage.

I don’t think having a conversation about potentially opening up a marriage is necessarily a bad thing. It’s often one of the suggestions on here if people don’t want to leave their partner but the partnership is not sexually compatible.

But to mention your younger sister!? My god. Is the man crazy. Unless he said it like she was talking about the subject generally and that’s what gave him the idea to look into the subject , rather than wanting to shag your sis.
If it was in a wanting to shag your sis way, LTB, you’ll never get it out your head.

Fuck. I am open minded but he can fuck right off. Your younger sister?? What a cunt.

I would be devastated. You have my sympathy.

You're not over reacting at all. This strikes at the heart of the marriage commitment. Even for most people in open relationships, this would be considered completely unacceptable. His lack of empathy and care for you and your relationship with your sister is astounding.

I would be asking him to leave and give me time to reflect. This isn't a person to spend a life time with.

Yes.

Disgusting. He's a pig and you need to see this for what it is. Not hypothetical at all. Would he want you with his brother/dad/friends?

That was my first thought. Thought I have a sister that I would not put it past.
And an ex-husband that I’m sure would’ve been easily led down that path

What the actual fucking fuck.

Bloody hell. Have you spoken to your sister and asked her what the fuck she was thinking?

This cannot be real.

if it is then immediate divorce.

You could say you would like his brother or his best pal to join you. I expect he would shut up then.

That would be the end for me. I would be getting my ducks in a row for divorce. I worry that a few weeks from now you will be posting that your DH had been having an affair with your sister.

Urgh, yes agree you are under-reacting.

I really wouldn't assume anything is going in with your sister. All he said is that she made a joke about modern relationships- no suggestion at all here that she was flirting or suggesting anything. The fact that he has spun that into this is on him, not her.

Does he watch a lot of porn?

As others have said, even people who have open marriages have ground rules around friends and family. It's so inappropriate it's off the chart.

I think this may be the beginning of the end- or perhaps I hope so for your sake. I'm sorry, OP.

"Apparently she’d joked with him a few weeks ago about “modern relationships”

and he extrapolated that into sex with your sister?...

The conversation that would be the most illuminating is with, whomever you trust, the most. Sister or husband? Or maybe they're both morally bankrupt!!

What a bastard he doesn't want an open marriage just permission to shag your sister

This would a no-brainer immediate divorce proceedings. Not only does he want to cheat on you, he wants to cheat with your sister. He’s disgusting.

Why on earth do you think you might be over reacting? What exactly would be the line where you didn’t wonder such a thing?

Agree- it sounds like it’s been written by AI. The short paragraphs and ‘it’s my sister’ reveal are the giveaway

I was thinking the same thing!!

He's probably already fucking her

And surely no intelligent woman would wonder if they were over reacting?

And thinking it’s petty? I think someone is taking the piss.

I wonder how he’d feel if you told him you want to shag his brother. I would be starting divorce proceedings now.