Are all my midlife friends having affairs? (Apart from me)

[SnowIsOn]

This was the title of an article in the Times at the weekend.

The writer is an author who in the process of researching a character for her latest book contacted select female friends who then anonymously reported back - 12 out of 17 were having or had had affairs.

Obviously take this fluff piece with a huge pinch of salt but I can only think of a handful of people I know who’ve had affairs and they’re all just acquaintances. So this just doesn’t ring true to me. See it a lot on threads here, but that’s from a huge readership and very self selecting, and it’s mostly the husbands who are doing the dirty.

Or am I very naive, are a large minority of mid life women having affairs and are super good at hiding them?

@Thewookiemustgo

Long seemingly happy marriage, three happy young adult/ young teen kids. Well educated, great career and pillar of the community. Solid as a rock to the outside world.

So she was presumably everything to all people. People often cheat because they don’t like who they’ve become. It’s these types of people such as your friend who are prime candidates I’m afraid

Change your friends...they have no integrity!

@Tooconfused12 possibly so, but through her own choices. She was no victim of a husband and family of neglectful ‘takers’, if you get me. (Not saying that’s what you were intimating though)

She admitted that she wasn’t exactly unhappy, she just wanted more and to feel ‘desired’ again. The thing is that she was, but no long term relationship can give you novelty again or the same kind of ‘new relationship’ rush. She mistook it for something else and is still looking for it.
About five guys in four years later (not judging, just shows how quickly what she thinks she’s found wears off) as soon as that novelty starts to get into a ‘real’ and longer relationship it goes tits up, because she keeps thinking that new guy #2/3/4/5 is ‘the one’ until the first rush wears off. As soon as it becomes normal everyday stuff, she thinks the guy is the wrong one. She’ll never find this magic guy she’s after because she’s viewing the novelty rush as ‘love’ and that stage never lasts long. She’s pursuing a feeling and situation instead of a close relationship with the guy, he could be anyone she fancies who flatters her enough initially. She’s pursuing a feeling, she just can’t see that and has no idea why it keeps ‘going wrong’ (her words).
Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors I guess, no matter what image is projected to the outside world, but her level of selfishness during and especially after is off the chart, it’s how she justifies everything. Some things she’s done which affect her now young adult children badly I just can’t condone, no matter how much she has the right or believes she was all things to everyone. Can’t say what it was here because it’s potentially outing, but things she’s said and done on public social media posts must have been crippling for her family to read. Bad enough to do and say it, but putting it on social media was unforgivable as far as I’m concerned.
I have supported and empathised and helped along the way but I’d be a hypocrite now to sympathise with her any longer. I have never judged her and only ever helped, but I have my limits and am very sadly pulling back from the friendship now. I can’t condone or sympathise any longer, can’t actively support and cheerlead things she does which harm others. Her messes and choices are her own responsibility as a grown adult and are affecting others who love her badly. She has every right to leave her marriage, but her manner of doing so and subsequent choices have done a great deal of harm.

Sadly that’s what I’ve done, can’t condone it.

I agree.

Having an affair to try and sort out marriage problems, is like fire-bombing your house because the kitchen tap's leaking. 🙄

@shhblackbag I never understand when people say, 'how do they have time?'

because there are only 24 hours in a day, and only so many excuses the cheater can have for being away from the house and kids.

The only reason my exH got away with it for so long was because he worked with her, and I wasn't one of these "clingy" women who was ringing him up at work a lot.
I was far too busy with my own career to be on the 'phone to him every 5 minutes.

But do you really have to have problems in your marriage to have an affair? I think the main gist is that these women don’t want to leave their marriage.

And for the PP who discussed woman and oxytocin - I had quite a few short relationships (pre marriage) where there really were no romantic feelings but really good sex, and they didn’t go anywhere precisely because there was no emotional attachment.

Not at all. It’s a myth that only people unhappy in their marriages have affairs. What can happen is that they start concentrating on the negatives of their marriage and the positives of the exciting new person as a way of trying to ease their conscience and ‘justify’ the unjustifiable.

@SnowIsOn 'But do you really have to have problems in your marriage to have an affair? I think the main gist is that these women don’t want to leave their marriage'.

That's a bit difficult to answer as I don't know many married women who have admitted to having affairs.
From what bit I know, it seems they all have perfect marriages apart for one thing and the AP supplies that one thing, whatever it is. 😳

The other big factor which has not yet been mentioned on this thread is grief and bereavement. People who are consumed by grief can do out-of-character things in the bid to temporarily forget and feel alive again.

I am not excusing it of course, but I think it is a known phenomenon.

Seeing as not many people will admit to an affair even in an anonymous survey, I presume the real number is even higher than 12 out of 17! I've always considered affairs to be something that men have, now I realise that not many middle-aged men have good chances of finding a young single woman to have an affair with so they're mostly sleeping with middle aged married women.
I only know of two married women who cheated, both of them had multiple affairs. I'm pretty cynical though and think that's just the tip of the iceberg. I work in an industry that's notorious for affairs and I've heard all sorts of stories about my older colleagues! The younger ones are either hiding their affairs well or haven't yet started.

Where I live there’s a lot of horrific behaviour from both men and women 😅 small, rural place, not sure if that’s got any relevance 😂

One night last winter a family friend was down the pub and clocked 5, yes 5 different people in relationships/married all over people 😂🫣 husband and wife out at the same time, both snuck off with other people!

Last year it came to light that one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met (but don’t know all that well) had discovered her partner had cheated. She posted a lovely status about her “salt of the earth” friend and how lovely she is, grateful for her support etc etc. Anywayyyy this “salt of the earth” friend is hiding a big secret from her, the fact it was her best friend that her partner was sh*gging on the school playing field 🤢

A lot of the time people won’t be discussing the things they shouldn’t be doing, nobody wants to air their own dirty laundry 😂

These people want to have their cake and eat it, the safety , comfort and financial security of long term marriage- but excitement of new relationships and having sex with others but staying with the security boundary of marriage

@lauribec do you live in Rutshire? Is Rupert Campbell-Black a neighbour?

No, Herefordshire 🫣

I always thought this. A busy job, children, interests. How on earth would you manage it, without sacrificing at least some of that?

Most affairs, if statistics are to be believed, start in the workplace or through work.
Coffee breaks, lunch breaks, meetings after work that aren’t, conferences at weekends that aren’t, leaving/ birthday/ retirement celebrations after work that aren’t…. messages and emails and calls to do with work that aren’t….
A million different excuses that are plausible and happen away from the home, childcare can be arranged, husband or wife goes away ‘on business’ at the weekend or during the week and their spouse/ childminder/ nursery takes care of the children. It’s way easier than people think and the busier somebody is, the more plausible being busy in meetings/ at hobbies etc can actually be.

I think it's nothing to do with being rural or not, it's more about the people who surround you. If it's "normal" to have an affair in your peer group, then you will be much more likely to have one yourself. If nobody seems to be having an affair, then embarking on one seems like a much bigger step to take. That's probably also the reason why affairs are particularly rife in some industries.

People prioritise what they really, really want to do. ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way’ isn’t a clichéd adage for nothing.

I was a married woman who had an affair. No real problems in my marriage. The one thing that my AP supplied was who he was. In this case, an ex.

Was a married woman? Or did the affair end? How do you feel about it now? Did anyone ever find out or are you one of the seemingly typical women who managed to keep it secret?

What about your ex, was he single or married?

I was told it’s not even about unhappiness or even the other person sometimes, even though at the time they believe it is. Many people get such a rush from the risk, secrecy, high drama and forbidden romance that the situation is what is causing the obsession, not the other person. More than once I have been told or read here that the OW or OM could have been anyone they found attractive who took an interest in them, they never spent long enough in each other’s company to know who each other really was, just a few hours a week.
Reinvention, fantasy, risk, drama, the ‘first date’ feelings are artificially perpetuated by this for far longer than in a normal relationship precisely because of the affair set up: must be kept secret, not much time together, obstacles in the way of the relationship etc. Those involved in the affair believe that the intense feelings and excitement must be heightened and lasting longer than usual because the new person must be extraordinarily special. Nine times out of ten that’s rubbish, the situation magnifies everything and the secret ‘bubble’ it operates in keeps reality, familiarity and the mundane nature of everyday life out.
Most affairs wreak havoc in people lives ultimately for nothing. It’s rare affair partners end up together permanently and rarer still that these relationships last. It happens, yes, I know a couple who started as an affair who are still together after twenty years, but I also have friends who are divorced who say their exes never lasted with the OW beyond a matter of months or very few years. Statistically the odds are against it.
Once the novelty is allowed to wear off and the struggles of the aftermath of divorces hit, many hit the buffers.
I rewatched “All About Eve” at the weekend and there’s a narrated part in it from a character who realises her playwright husband is infatuated with the young rising star Eve:
“It seemed to me that I had known always that it would happen. And here it was.
I felt helpless. That helplessness you feel when you have no talent to offer, outside of loving your husband.
How could I compete?
Everything Lloyd loved about me he’d gotten used to long ago.”
And there it is in a nutshell, a happy husband gets their head turned and ego massaged and takes for granted and puts to one side all they love about their wife, because it’s not new and exciting any more like the new, mysterious, as yet undiscovered OW is.
They are happy, love their wives and have no intention of leaving, because affairs aren’t necessarily about any of that, they are about getting high on novelty and feeling like a teenager again and being weak enough to choose to pursue it.

It’s never popular on here but it’s true, you can love someone and be otherwise happy but when that frisson and opportunity comes along, given the right circumstances, we are all vulnerable to a certain extent. Only our choices in those circumstances separate us.

Why do you only refer to husbands? Wives can, and do, behave in exactly the same way.

I've had a few, mostly with younger men for the sex. It only gets messy if they want more which has happened, affairs are always a huge gamble and I don't advise it.

Wise words from @Thewookiemustgo

“People prioritise what they really, really want to do. ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way’ isn’t a clichéd adage for nothing.“